Green with Something

I do not ususally discuss work on this blog partly because I always fear that some how I will be found. Nevertheless, I need to understand why I am having cruel "Blair" thoughts of how to sabbatoge a new girl at the firm. She is slowly moving into what is supposed to be my position when I return from the bar. And even though I know no one can take away the 3+ years of experience and good relationship I have with my partner. It stil worries me that while I am studying for 14 hours a pop during the 2 months I am off for the bar exam that somehow little miss sunshine is going to start doing bar shots with my boss on Friday nights. She has called me for minor questions, and I have been helpful but never offering to do more than needed. In the back of my mind, I am thinking of how I can tamper with a brief she wrote and switch it with it an angry email to a boyfriend or maybe slip into a conversation with the boss about how she was known at school as the class drunk. But in the end, I will not do any of these things but it always makes me feel better to think about them. Law school has taught me so well how to handle competition. Kick it in the knee and then run as fast as you can.

Rejected

So with the approach of graduation around the corner and about $150K in Student Loan debt. Not to mention 2 months of unemployment and bar fees that I still have not factored in. With repayment plans kicking in before the hazy days of summer begin, I am starting to think of ways to make quick money. I have considered flying to France to do a sleep study and even getting a nice pedicure in hopes that the foot fetish people might hire me. But I think I hit rock bottom when I decided to sign up to be an egg donor. I figured why not. I am smart, healthy, I do not smoke, and I can make up to $10,000. Easy enough just so they can steal some eggs, no problem. That was until I filled out the application. Have you or anyone in your family been diagnosed with ADHD? No. Are you or anyone in your family on Prozac? No. Do you smoke? No. Do you have a college degree? Yes. Woo hoo. I am on a roll...So I await my results. Here is what they sent me.


We're sorry, but you do not meet the minimum
qualifications to become an egg donor.

Thank you for your interest in our program.

I have been rejected! My eggs do not even qualify, they are not worthy. Sigh, back to salon - how is red for the toes??

It's all about the Benjamins

A lot has happened since my last post, and I began to wonder what could possible spark me to start writing in my blog again. If it wasn't the two weddings I had, or the amazing honeymoon through Colombia or calling the US Embassy to get me out of Colombia. If none of these very exciting yet story worthy events did not spark me to begin writing again (whether it be due to lack of time or just plain laziness) then what would it take?? Well, it took a 3 1/2 lb lobster. I spent this weekend celebrating the new hubby's birthday and I decided to go to Atlantic City. Now AC as the Jersey people call it has gone through a variety of stages. Back in the day when the mobsters and Frank Sinatra were around it was classy and only the high rollers would go party at the casinos. They would arrive in fancy limos and eat at extravagant restaurants and the casinos were filled with glitz and glamour. Then the city soon began to get filled with old ladies with plastic cups filled with quarters and all you can eat buffets. The only thing arriving at the casinos were DeCamp buses from the Port Authority bus terminal. So when I heard that AC was going through a rebirth, I decided to give it a shot. The last time I was in AC, I picked up a guy at the casino who became my long distance, pill popping, alcoholic, hot and sexy boyfriend. Don't judge. We all have had a least one bad boy in our life. So this time, it was another man who brought me to AC, a cute Southern chef who has an eye for good ole fashion American food. My hero - Bobby Flay. After many nights of Iron Chef and a night out at Mesa Grill, the Husband became a huge fan. So I figured what better birthday dinner than to drive out to Atlantic City. I booked us a night at the new retro luxury hotel, The Chelsea. Bashaw, the owner, hired the operators of the oh so popular Beatrice Inn to run their lounge so I figured I can not go wrong. The hotel was a hit, the rooms are ultra retro with leopard print chairs (I love animal print) and a bar with 2 fireplaces and a open air patio with a hot DJ blaring great music in the back. The hotel used to be a grimy, dingy Howard Johnson so I worried the area would still smell of old sex, but the hotel is brand spanking new. You would never suspect there used to a sleezy dump where the new Stephen Starr restuarant now stands. Anyway, I have gotten off track...Back to Bobby Flay. So after I had a cucumber/prosecco vodka martini to start the night (I had to get my daily serving of vegetables somehow), we were off to the birthday dinner. The dinner started off with a great bottle of Bordeaux and a wonderful lobster crab cake and oysters. Then came time to order entrees. I made a few mistakes that evening. Mistake #1 Asking the waiter to suggest an entree; Mistake #2 Trusting the waiter. I was recommended the lobster, and the waiter told me it was a specialty at the restaurant and the lobster was very fresh. Considering I walked past a tank of lobsters, I figured he could not be lying. I also thought when can you ever go wrong with a lobster. So he insisted he would crack it open and take out all the meat for me so I would not "dirty my pretty self". Oh how i am a sucker for compliments. So I went for the lobster. When the plate arrived he showed me the before and then came the after. A huge plate of lobster meat with butter and lemon on the side. I was so excited, and dove right into my plate. This is where Mistake #3 came into play. I never specified how many pounds I wanted. So after eating a wonderful mushroom mashed potatoes made in truffle oil and a delicious cauliflower with goat cheese side dish that we both split. I was in heaven. That was until I saw the bill!! It was then that it occurred to me that my waiter friend had picked shamu the whale to serve me for my entree, because my bill said 3 1/2 lb lobster! Who in their right mind would think that a 5'2" inch woman can or needs to eat 3 1/2 lbs of lobster meat? Not to mention, who in their right mind would think I can afford to eat a 31/2 lb lobster? Did he not get the memo I am a law student that is about to be unemployed for 2 months. Considering, I did not want to make a scene. I politely asked the Husband for the Amex because I knew my credit card would laugh in my face. I tipped 18% because the small child I just ate was eating the other 2% of his tip. Damn waiter! I am going back to AC next weekend so I can begin my part time job at Lace. Thanks Bobby Flay!

Vows

I still owe a post on my wedding, but in the meantime I am having second thoughts and think I should have chosen these vows:
Pastor: Will you love her when you’re fit,
And also when you’re feeling sick?

Groom: Yes, I’ll love her when we’re fit,
And when we’re hurt, and when we’re sick,
And I will love her when we’re rich
And I will love her in a ditch
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold
Ten years from now a thousandfold,
Yes, I will love for my whole life
This lovely woman as my wife!

Elvis baby

Is it too late to Elope?

So if I have not repeated what every bride says 1 week before the wedding. Why the hell didn't I elope? I am not saying I have not loved the planning, and I am sure I will love the food, the open bar for 5 hours, and of course the coffee hazelnut cake. But I am just sick and tired of begging people so that we can either a) do something nice for them or b) ask that God forbid they put their selfish needs aside and do something nice for us like "stop complaining"!!! I have had to deal with 2 very difficult bridesmaids (one more than the other - did I forget to mention she made herself a BM??). If they are not too busy, they are too sick, too broke, too claustrophobic, too low class and too lazy to give a crap about their friend getting married. Then I have people that think things are too far, too long, too traditional, too non traditional. Since when did everyone lose focus? It is a damn wedding which means 2 people sharing vows and then a big fat party. All you have to do is show up. Well that is unless you are one of my BM then you have to complain or if your one of the nice BM's on the other side dealing with the complainers. (sorry bitsandgiggles). So I extend my apologies to everyone who has had to deal with headaches due to difficult guests, and I express my gratitude to all those who have had to deal with what I have had to deal with. And all I ask is that day everyone just leave their dramas at the door and if the church is too small for you and you feel short of breath-GET OUT!

Liver who needs one?

So this weekend was full of goodies. It started off with leaving work early and having 4 martinis with some co-workers and then momofuko for the best morel butter known to mankind. I would not suggest anyone go check this place out unless you like pork, pork and more pork. The oysters with kimchee were good but not $16.00 good. We spent a lot and ate way too little. Hence we move on..Friday I spent drinking 2 bottles (sharing with the Midwestern) of cotes du Rhone and a Bordeaux - one better than the other. Amazing what $2.00 will make a difference. This was sitting on a rooftop of a brownstone overlooking riverside park. While I contemplated why I did not get my MBA instead of law degree. Maybe then I would not be so sad as I walked past the kitchen bigger than my whole apt in Hoboken. And so we move on to Saturday which was filled with cheesy boat performers and a $105 meal (the garlic mash were worth it I suppose) but it was spent celebrating 30 again! With my childhood buddy. Then comes Sunday...oh Sunday if my liver had not seen the worst then he was about to. It started with unlimited mimosas and other champagne cocktails at Paradou. Oh how I love the French. Then off to Pastis to sit next to meatheads with no necks. And bitsandgiggles and I have decided that the lack of neck is equivalent to the size of brain cells. So then we offer to pay the cute gay couple to sit next to us so we would not have a guy with plaid shorts and polo shirt with his collar standing up staring at us like we were lunch meat. Then on to the next place to pee of course. Jane's Tavern looked decent enough as English pubs go, but since we did not want to crash on boys night, we got suckered to sitting out front of Little Owl with a pregnant lady and then opted to not wait the hour and go spent our loan money for a Austrian dinner at Wallse. Ahh! So after my wallet and liver took a break I stumbled home back to my apt only to wish I had more Sundays like this.

Kids

So if anyone knows me even a little they will know that children are not on the top of my list of favorite things. Not that I am mean or cruel, I just lack motherly chracteristics. I mean my dog goes hungry and without water at times, because I am downing shots of vodka on a Friday night and forgot to put the food bowl down. These are not things I am proud of, but I have to be honest with myself. So when the idea of a wedding came up, I said NO KIDS. Of course I sucked it up for the Midwestern's cousin's baby and made her the flower girl - but I draw the line outside of blood relatives. So when I received an RSVP 2 weeks from the wedding that the Midwestern's old college buddy is bringing his 2 offspring I almost screamed. The discussion led to the "No, we can not revoke his invite" I guess this is not like a license or something? So I spent most of Sunday trying to figure out where to seat these 2 little people. I could not have them at the original table with bitsandgiggles and my 3 co-workers trust me I would hate to see my boss with cake on her face. So I moved the whole family to another table that I basically made up just for them. I know this is not a big deal and if this is the worst that can happen I will suck it up. But I swear if I hear a peep out of either of these mongrels I will go down that aisle and smother them with my veil.

Wedding in the Sticks

So this weekend was the 2nd wedding (surprise surprise) that we were attending this month. This time, I was the one in the bridal party. So I spent all of Saturday and Sunday with the bride doing bridesmaidish things. Since this is my first time being a bridesmaid I will give credit to all of those who have done it before - Hail to you oh great ones! It is hard ass work. I ran around going to brunches, and lunches, and dinners and nails, and hair and feet, etc.. Not to mention the emergencies such as lipstick on gown (Tide to go!) or bustles that do not bustle. You get the point, but I will say the best part is that my friend was the sweetest bride. There was always a please and thank you after every request, so note to self (and all others). Be nice! Even if you are hot and sticky under a 30 lb dress just suck it up because these girls have sucked it up with you. With that said, there was a lot of dancing, a beautiful interfaith ceremony, and an annoying photographer that I almost beat down Queens style. I also got to sing Hava Nagila which made the midwestern question whether I was from S.A. or Israel. We had a great time - Cornell alumni you rock and the music and location was great (anything near a body of water pretty much rules)! The only mishaps on the trip was we almost ran out of gas in the middle of the sticks at 1 a.m. and we almost had our bodies chopped up into a million pieces by the Wolf Creek killer. (Another note to self) Put gas in the car before you get on the road to nowhere. Corn fields do not show up on GPS, and if anyone needed to find us not even Jack Bauer could. Hopefully the only mishap in the next wedding will be me and bitsandgiggles doing shots out of our pink flask before the ceremony.

Conclusion to Chi Town Wedding

I walk up to the open bar and ask the bartender for a stiff one and he responds "can I see ID?" I giggle and say "Okay seriously I will have a double grey goose vodka martini shaken not stirred and make it fast." He looks at me with this blank stare and repeats it again..."Can I see your ID?" By this time, I was ready to start dipping a straw into the vodka bottle. So I explain to him in my ever so sarcastic voice that no one with half a brain brings an ID to a wedding. I am not at a bar or a club, I am at a wedding. A wedding where I just dropped $300 into the money box and squeezed my mashed potato butt into a tight black dress, and a wedding where my Midwestern cooked in the sun without a bathroom break for 4 hours, and a wedding where I had 30 children running around my feet screaming and making noise. At this point I need a drink so badly, the bartender should just start breaking out the funnel. I storm off, tell the groom the problem but the bartender still refuses. Luckily one of the groomsmen bought me a drink, but the rest of the evening I had to ask someone to get me drinks. So I figure dinner is about to be served it can only get better - right? Wrong! I sit down to a Pork and Veal dinner. Who in the world makes a wedding with only 2 choices, baby cow and pig? I meal at least throw some fish or veggie options. Well I was not too concerned because the bride assured me that she ordered my meal in advance. I tell the waiter I am part of the vegetarian crowd and he nods and walks away. I am so excited that my mouth is watering. He returns with a plate of arugula, 2 pieces of asparagus and a mushroom on top for decor. At this point, I am convinced this is the salad. Oh silly me!!! it was the damn entree. Now I am trying to figure out if I can some how grab my tweezers to grab the envelope back out of the money box and take back my gift to the lovely couple so I can buy myself a slice of pizza down the block. The Midwestern trying to make lemonade out of lemons asks the waiter for a plate of polenta. He brings over a side of polenta and I ate it with half a loaf of bread because I was so hungry I could have started eating my purse if it were not synthetic. I wish I could tell you I was too drunk to care or that the music was so good I was too busy dancing and that all of these mistakes meant nothing in the scheme of things. But as I listened to the temptations and other horrible old music from my parents generation. I sat around making more mental notes..."My humps", "Soldier Boy", "Gold digger". So no, I will not have centerpieces the size of a small child, and the midwestern will not wear a $800 tux and my groomsmen will not all wear stupid patent leather rental shoes(oh wait what groomsmen??)and $150 Armani ties, nor will I have ice sculptures of the Louvre in Paris. Instead, the Midwestern will wear his hot new Cole Haan's with his Jones New York Tux and Gold Italian silk tie we bought on Wall Street. And the only flowers will be petals on the table and our music may be filled with inappropriate mix of rock, alternative, pop, hip hop, salsa and reggae. But who cares

Wedding Part III

So it is wedding day and this is where the fun begins. When you make six figures, a wedding is so much fun to plan, because everything goes. For example, you get 2 suites at the Four Seasons because you need one for getting dressed and one for sleeping. You also rent a trolley to take your 16 person bridal party around Chicago in 95 degree heat with 88 degree humidity for 4 hours to take pictures. Why? because you can. But somehow all the money in the world can not make the trolley's air condition work so you have 8 sweaty men in tuxedos ready to pass out and faint. So you bring beer lots of it, and chips and sandwiches, but all that does not matter when there are no bathroom breaks. Why? Because the psycho photographer and Bridezilla can not go off their time schedule. So the midwestern almost got left behind while he ran in to use the can at the museum. The only good thing is the boys got to sit in the dug out at Wrigley Field which made getting heat stroke all worth it. I on the other hand was strolling around magnificent mile shopping, enjoying the Victoria Secret Sale. I got a call from a few of the girlfriends of the bridal party who then met me for brunch at this cool spot off the avenue. Once I got back to the hotel to get dressed the midwestern walked in as red as an apple and with a rose wilted from the heat on his lapel. I told him to take a cold shower before the ceremony, but he said bridezilla would not let them - something about more pictures. Jesus I mean I love my bridesmaids but I do not need 5 hours of pictures of them. So I forced him to shower and off he went to the ceremony. I finished getting dressed and met them all at the restaurant and threw an extra pair of shoes for the midwestern in a bag. Because the patent leather tux shoes rentals were pinching his feet. Apparently the groomsmen were not allowed to take those off either. I just about had it with all the do's and dont's of this OCD wedding. I figured if anyone said anything, I would just beat them with the heel! The ceremony felt ten hours long, and the homily lasted longer than an inagural address. I di sort of laugh though because even the minister made fun of the bride and her type A to the fifth power personality. Then there was a rose ceremony, a unity candle ceremony, lighting candle for the families ceremony. I thought if they drag this on anymore I will stand up and scream "fire". Instead 5 screaming flower girls ran around the altar while the priest spoke and the bride and groom said their vows. While I made mental note to call my doctor to tie my tubes as soon as I got back to NY. After the wedding march (I hate the wedding march), it was off to cocktail hour. The apps were good but little did I know my night had just started.

Weddings Part Deux

So this Friday I was off to Chi town to celebrate the Midwesterner's best man's wedding. He was getting married in Chicago with his wonderful fiance and this was supposed to be the wedding of the lifetime. We took a 5 am taxi to the airport and arrived in Chicago way too early. But that's okay by the time we rode the L to the hotel, they let us check in early. Yeah! for wedding party perks! So after checking in, we decided to splurge on some deep dish pizza. Being from the East coast the closest I have come to that was Uno's, and was not too impressed. That was until I tried my cheese and spinach deep dish at Gino's East and fell in love with the midwest. After consuming way too many calories we were off back to the hotel to meet the rest of the wedding party. The Midwestern took off while I went to the spa and learned a hard lesson. There is no such thing as hard wax in Chicago or the state of Illinois for that matter. I forgot to visit Flor before I left and I called ever damn salon in that windy city and no one knew what I was talking about. Finally I ended up at Elizabeth Arden Red Door and met the nicest Ukrainian lady named Svetlana who took care of me. I liked her so much and she was so sweet, we discussed shopping and eating, while she had my legs spread eagle. So $1000 dollars later, I paid her for the most expensive wax job of my life and went back to getting ready for the rehearsal. The rehearsal was at Gibson's where I ate a pound of raw tuna with cheese mashed potatoes and Key Lime Pie all while wearing my lime green shoes and patent leather clutch - Yes I matched the desert. How the hell was I supposed to fit into any dress tomorrow eating and drinking like this? I was put in charge of watching the $150 Armani ties of all the groomsmen and was probably carrying around a grand worth of cranberry silk ties. The night ended at some bar and I took off because I luckily left my ID at the hotel and was not allowed into the dive shamrock bar after midnight. The idea of walking on sticky beer floor while wearing my hot green stilettos made me nervous. So I went back to our very expensive not worth $200 night hotel. At 4 am, I woke up to the sound of the Midwestern as he walked in and told me he basically talked the groom off the ledge. I was not sure if the groom was freaking out because he thought I ran off with the ties or if he was just freaking out because his bride-to-be spent a small down payment on flowers. Either way I was tired and did not care so I rolled over thinking of the wedding tomorrow and whether I can fit my butt into a satin dress or if I had to run out and buy spanx.

Weddings, Weddings and More Weddings

Well, a lot has happened since my last post. I had a wonderful bridal shower that resulted in a ride around central park in a gondula with a man wearing a funny outfit. Champagne toast on the rooftop of the Ritz waiting for the sunset and oh I forgot to mention the crab benedict and goat cheese salad. So thanks to my wonderful friends some who traveled very far (well I am not sure which is farther Queens, Chicago or Sayerville :)I had wonderful memories, gifts and just a grand day. Since my last post I have also had the pleasure of escaping wedding stuff to share in something of greater importance bitsandgiggles graduation and celebration of passing both bars (damn over achiever) And had a wonderful meal at Del Posto with wine oh so much wine! And also during the last month I found a wonderful organist, bought both wedding bands and spent way too much and started summer school. But let us not forget the weekend wedding in Chicago. Oh the stories...to be continued in Part Deux

TC

So I am sitting here on a Monday afternoon after finishing my adoption law 48 hr exam early and enjoying my freshly painted toes. When I turn on the TV and see Tom Cruise. Not really a big deal, but then I realize that Oprah is interviewing him to celebrate 25 yrs of acting. So as I open up my products liability book, I hear "You've lost that loving feeling" in the background. Then I realize that if there is a movie I can see more than once - Top Gun is absolutely one of them. Maybe that is why when I was at Cravath even the boys were naming their tape guns Maverick. Because the truth is I think everyone loves that movie. And then we have The Firm. Ahh, who can forget that scene where the music is blaring and he whispers in his wife's ear, and she runs out screaming and crying. Or what about the scene where he dances around in his underwear and socks in Risky Business singing "Old time rock and roll". Then of course I am not sure when I cried more either in "A few Good Men" (I think this was when I decided to interview for JAG) or "Born on the 4th of July". There is really no point to this blog entry except that I just realized how much I really like Tom Cruise as an actor and even though he is into Scientology I forgive him because "he had me at hello."

Oye Como Va

The other night I booked a hotel for the 5 days/4 night stay at the island of San Andres in Colombia. Okay so what is the big deal you say? Well then maybe no one will think it is weird that this is the 3rd hotel I have booked for the same days in the same location. I refuse to cancel any of my hotel reservations and why may you ask? Because Colombia for some reason does not own credit card machines and believes in good old fashion "I give you my word". I have contacted numerous hotels who have told me okay miss we will see you on August 13th? I then proceed to ask if I need to give a deposit. The guy on the other line says "No, just call us a week in advance to remind us." What! Are they kidding. So it is no wonder I now have 3 hotels just in case, because the last thing I want is to be in a 3rd world country run by drug cartels with no place to sleep with a blue eyed gringo on my hands. Trust me, I will not be calling myself Mrs. Midwestern at any point before we return to the good ole U.S. of A. And in case any one happens to be passing through Colombia I have a reservation for each one of you.

Freak show

So yesterday class was cancelled, and I decided to go to the gym. After 30 minutes on the elliptical machine I figured if I was paying a million dollars and eleven cents a month for this gym membership than I might as well take a class. So there was a Yoga class on the schedule and I said to myself "Eh, can't be that bad." That was until I had my ankles behind my ear and was standing on one leg. Are they kidding? Nobody should be able to twist their body in ways that this man made us last night. I felt like a member of cirque de soleil. So after an hour and a half of downward dog and warrior pose I was done. I was so sore and my limbs were like jelly and all I kept thinking is I can not wait to take it again. I am either a sucker for punishment or I am hoping I can use some of these moves in the bedroom.

Close Calls

So something happened to me that made me realize life is scary sometimes. I was cleaning the house yesterday and I grabbed my products liability textbook to put burn in the fireplace (just kidding) actually to just move it to the bedroom. When as I was walking in my white athletic socks slipped on the Mexican rug and flew across the living room. The scariest thing was I could have broke my chin open because I fell face forward onto the wood floor. The good thing is the textbook saved me. If it didn't I was definitely going to use to help me sue the company that made the Mexican rug for defective design trust me. I got up bruised up on both knees and a little shaken up. Thoughts of me falling on the coffee table and cracking my head open flashed in my mind. I mean what would spike do? Would he try to alert the neighbors or just eat me while I lie on the floor. Nevertheless, I called the midwestern and he asked "Do you need to go to the hospital?" No, I just needed a hug but I did not know how to explain that - Guys just don't get it. So I just went back to watching the High School Reunion Marathon. And I took off those damn athletic socks too.

Rock of Love

So if anyone knows me well enough they are aware of my guilty pleasure of realty TV. I figure after spending years studying hours of endless boring case law and regulations I deserve it. I need to not use my brain cells and watch crazy people make complete fools of themselves on tv. The midwestern also tells me that somehow I get joy out of watching people with really f&*cked lives. Maybe it is because then my petty life issues will not seem so bad anymore. So when the midwestern came home late last night from pulling overtime at work, he was surprised to see I was still awake. That was until he realized why. Not because I am the sweet fiancee that waits up for her man, but I was waiting for another man. Bret Michaels. I sat and watched the season finale of Rock of Love, and tried to guess what in the world he saw in Daisy. The girl seemed like she was high on something at all times.Not to mention her eyebrows were non existent. But then I saw what I am sure Bret fell in love with her fake boobs and over collagened mouth. Love is not skin deep. But at 1:30 am in the morning I was shocked when he chose the less attractive girl but much smarter one, see and they say nice girls finish last. But my favorite part of the night was when they started playing Poison songs in the background and all of sudden I hear....."I wasn't looking for rock of like or rock of lust. I was looking for a Rock of Love." Yes, Bret me too! The end result is the midwestern and I have decided to make these our wedding vows. Now the question is would it be weird to say it while playing "Living on a Prayer" in church. Does that break the 80's hair band rule? Not sure, but if anyone knows please let me know.

I laughed when I first learned of the McDonald's case where the woman sued McDonald's for her burns when she spilled coffee on herself. Firstly, the facts of the case were outrageous because she was driving and she put the cup of coffee in her lap. I definitely can think of easier ways to not have kids. But this morning, I finally understood why she sued. I went upstairs to my coffee room to get my instant Flavia coffee. If anyone does not know what that is, it is the machine where it takes these packets and sucks them up, eats them, and spits out coffee. It is pretty amazing and provides endless entertainment for the corporate world. So after I get my coffee I decide it is too full and I need to spill some out. Except I obviously mistook myself for a sink. Before I could scream "Attorney", the scalding coffee burned my delicate olive skin and I am positive created 3rd degree burns. If it didn't, well then it sure felt like it burnt through at least two layers of epidermis. And after running cold water on my hand which actually I think is the worst thing you can do. The first thing that came to mind was "Damn I hate that Flavia company". Even though it was obviously my fault, I still felt this psychotic anger toward this company. Which makes no logical sense, but logic at this point disappeared like the hair folicles that were seared off my skin. This coffee company probably has a headquarter office in Topeka, Kansas and has no idea that there is this clumsy law clerk in NYC that just bathed in what felt like volcanic acid. So as I sit here writing this blog entry I am also gathering my thoughts for a letter to Flavia and how they should lower the temperature of their coffee or put warning labels such as: "Please do not rub hot liquids on your skin because it may hurt as much as cutting your limbs off with a butter knife". So here I am using my $150K lawyer skills and writing a letter claiming defective coffee. Thank you J.D.

EJ got a big ole butt

Purses are a wonderful item. They hold our prized possessions like condoms, make up, blackberry, wallet, even shoes. I rely on my purse to dress up an outfit or to beat off nasty guys at the club. Sometimes I love my purse so much I take it with me to walk the dog because you never know if your going to run into the cute guy with the doberman. But ladies our purse does not need its own seat on the train. I know it may seem tired from all the hard work of carrying all our stuff but it really could fit nicely on our lap. As a matter of fact it prefers to be nestled on our laps where it is close to us. It appreciates this intimacy. So unless your at Daniel where Mr. Boulud is nice enough to provide seating for your significant accessory, keep your freaking bag off the train seat so my big ass can sit down.

Wedding Dance

So I hate line dancing. The chicken dance, macarena, electric slide have all been banned from the wedding. I even told the DJ to remove all disco, if I hear Abba or Donna Summers someone is going down. But back to line dancing. The idea of 50 guests lined up doing the dollar dance scares me. It brings back all terrible memories of worst weddings ever. However, in order to change it up a notch. I am thinking of maybe having my bridesmaids and I do this dance at the wedding. Why? 1) Because I love the song 2) Because I can do it better than these guys 3) To give my future MIL a heart attack. So bitsandgiggles I think MOH will agree now all we have to do is convince the Russian and we are set.

Green with Envy

So after putting myself further into debt yesterday I figured it no longer mattered any more. I grabbed the credit card and said to hell with it. Screw the ice sculpture mama's buying herself a new pair of shoes. So I start the marathon. I traveled all of the Hoboken designer boutiques buying handmade jewelry, patent leather clutches, but still no shoes. I even picked up a chunky bangle that will probably be worn once, but no shoes. You see I needed a pair of green shoes. Not green camo but a nice sexy money green. The new colors for spring/summer this season in case anyone missed the latest edition of Vogue are bright colors like yellow, blue, green, pink and even orange in some areas. I already owned a pair of hot pink and I wanted something different. So I decided on green. So in my mind I am thinking pointy toe patent leather green stilettos. At this point, I am so far into debt I have decided I am wearing this dress with all the accessories for my bridal shower, the rehearsal in Chicago, maybe even bitsandgiggles' graduation. Damn I may even sleep in the dress tonight (with the necklace, clutch, earrings and bangle too - well if I need to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night at least I will be dressed fashionably). So finally I find them - and they are perfect (so we didn't find pumps but with a 4 inch heel who cares). Ahh, amazing what a new pair of shoes will do to a woman's self esteem. So here I am walking home with numerous bags and fearing I will run into the Midwestern. Too late...He looks at me from the corner. I try to hide between the liquor store and the brownstone. Maybe I can run in a get a bottle of grey goose to wallow in my sorrows after I examine my receipts? Sh*T, I've been caught. He turns and stares at me with the same look of disgust that Elizabeth Sue gave Nicolas Cage in the mall scene. "Will we be able to pay the mortgage this month?" I look at him with this face of pity and remorse, and whisper in his ear. "Probably not."

Shopping Spree

When I woke up yesterday the weather was gorgeous and I finally felt like spring had arrived. So what better way to celebrate the spring but with shopping. Most people would think this is no big deal except with me it is different. You see its like putting an alcoholic in a brewery. I love to shop but my problem is I don't shop cheap. I am not sure if it is because I somehow want to believe I am rich or I feel like I should be rich, or maybe it is just because I like nice things. But "NO", see it is more than that. I like the way it feels to walk into a store and not look at the price tag, and to have the sales person cater to me like I am Ivanka Trump. If anyone has been to the shoe department in Nordstrom they know what I mean. The salespeople come over with 10 boxes of shoes of all different styles and colors and you feel like Leona Helmsley. And even though the only reason they like you is because they work off commission - who cares. Because the only reason why you are there is because you somehow have sunken to an ultimate low in your self esteem and need some reassurance as to why you are on this planet. Thus bringing me to yesterday's shopping spree. I decided to check out my neighborhood boutiques, not realizing two things 1) Hoboken residents have a sh*T load of money 2)We have someone become Soho while I was sleeping. I walk into the first shop and I should have seen the red flags when I picked up a dress that said Badgley Mischka. But I hate to be seen looking at price tags and running out. So I play cool as if I own ten of those, and keep browsing. It wasn't until the lady decided to ask me if I needed help that I froze. She looks at me and says "You are a size 2 right"? Damn your good. I didn't want to tell her I am a size 2 with a size 4 a*ss but I did not want to interrupt her as she started grabbing dresses off the rack. Next thing you know I have 4 dresses in the dressing room and she asks me what size shoe? Shoes? I came in here for a dress, well actually I came in here with an empty wallet but she doesn't need to know all that. So I walk into the dressing room and try on the first dress. I walk out in front of the floor length mirror and the woman in the room next to me was buying 2 dresses. I told the lady that I was getting married and I needed an outfit for my bridal shower. Okay first dress gorgeous black and white trapeze style dress. I loved it..Loved it so much I refused to say it for fear I might have to buy it. So I waited until I tried on another dress. The next dress was a black sexy Audrey Hepburn looking dress with pockets. Pockets! All dresses should have pockets don't you think? So I grab both and at this point feel like a drug addict in a crack house. I will take the black one, I said. I thought the Audrey Hepburn look was hot if I paired with some smokin' stilettos and a clutch. Should I go yellow, red, blue or green??? She said well this is 50% off. Whew! So off I go to the cashier. At this point, I am thinking which card is not maxed out. Is it the Citibank? No I booked the honeymoon tickets there. Is it the Bank of America? No, I think Puerto Rico is still on that one? Okay here you go. So she rings me up and I realized that that I just paid $300 for a dress that was 50% off. She must be mistaken. It did say 50% right? Well at this point, all I want to do is run as fast as I can and start seeing if the escort agency on 5th will hire me. As I am walking out the door, she says are you sure you don't want the trapeze dress I mean it is such a steal it is only $450. I nod my head and tell her I need to go pick up the Benz at the shop but will be back. And then run, Forest, run. Off to the shoe store.

Brooklyn

So I had to take a trip to Brooklyn today for a close friend's bridal shower. When I heard Brooklyn, I started to think.."Oh God I hope it is nowhere near Coney Island." I should not complain, because my bridal shower will probably be in Sheepshead bay which is somewhere near the beach which has got to mean far far away. Nevertheless, when I received the email the host told me it was in Brooklyn Heights. Okay that is easy enough - right? Wrong! I head out about 11:30 am because I figured I did not know where I was going so better to get a head start. Then I get a text: A train not stopping at High Street must take A to Jay street and then turn back around and take the A train one stop to High Street. Great! Now I have to carry two very heavy bags even farther and transfer trains. Okay okay and we are off. So after I get off the station, I start looking for Adams Street. The email says "Apartment is 100 yards from train". Easy enough...Except then I read somewhere on the email "make sure you are on the right side of the bridge." Bridge? What bridge?! So I walk, and walk, and walk. Finally I ask someone "Where is Adams? " So I find it 10 minutes later and then I walk up Adams and down Adams and up Adams and down - you get the point. I am doing this all while I am holding my phone looking at Google Maps and it keeps telling me that the building was to the right but every time I went there I hit a dead end. How can GPS be telling me this is where the building is - there is nothing here but a damn wall and then the highway. Hmm? Finally after 20 minutes I find a police officer. I ask her "Do you know where this is?" She tells me the other side of the bridge. Where the F*&k ois this bridge? There must be something in the drinking water!. That is she until she points to a sign that says Brooklyn Bridge. I start panicking, do I have to cross the Brooklyn Bridge? My hands are about to fall off, and I think I have lost all circulation from the 5 lb soup I am carrying or is it the 16 piece spice rack? Nevertheless, I was ready to give up and open those babies up and just start having my own bridal shower on the bridge. Luckily the cop told me that I just had to cross this very large intersection and I would be there. So I take my badly wrapped bridal gift and I start crossing this very large intersection. 100 feet later I am at the building. As I press the doorbell it hits me....I am never moving to Brooklyn.

Safe Sex please!

I realized today why it is I do not have children. No it isn't the screaming, or the whining, and it isn't the annoying "Why?" after everything you say. The reason came to me while I was home last night. I had just finished watching an episode of "The Wire", and my dog Spike would not stop whining. Now if anyone knows my dog, they will know that he has ADD, and should probably be on Prozac anyway. Well he also loves to whine, and it gets old fast. The Midwestern took him out thinking he might have to go for a walk - Nope. One hour later he started up again, so this time I took him out, thinking maybe now he really has to go - right? Wrong. Finally both the Midwestern and I are watching Will and Grace and getting ready for bed, and all you hear is whine, whine, whine. UGH! Then the Midwestern turns to be and asks: Did you give the dog water today? Um, No did you? His response: Um, No? OMG! I run to the kitchen and fill up his water bowl and Spike ran to it like he just crossed the Sahara. After he finished his 2nd bowl of water, the Midwestern turns to me and asks: When was the last time you gave the dog water? Um, last week.
This is why I don't have kids.

Client 9

There is this girl in my class who always wears super short skirts and low cut blouses, and I feel as if she saw Erin Brokowitz way too many times. The difference is this woman is a large woman, not I need gastric bypass large, but the I had too many cupcakes large. Well every time I see her, I have to check out what she is wearing because watching someone make a fashion faux pas is always quite fun for most women. Today, I noticed she had these very high stilettos with a metallic gold heel with her one size too small suit. Is she kidding? Who the world wears metallic gold stilettos to a law firm? Does she work for Spitzer on her free time? I am very worried, and I want to run up to her and tell her that she should stay clear of the clearance section at Rickys, but I decide to keep my silence. Instead, I start walking to my drafting litigation documents with my paper in hand which is due today. I run into my classmate and he says "Hey did you do your paper?" I nod my head. "How many pages?" I look at him and say "Six". I see his face turn white and his mouth open. I start to sweat..Did I write too little? Should I have included a table of authorities? "Are you kidding? You were only supposed to write 2 pages."

Payback is a bitch

Adult only Weddings

I am going to say something that might make me burn in hell, and my good Catholic parents very upset. But I am not a huge fan of children. No that does not mean I will not have my own, because I am sure that motherly instinct will kick in. And no that does not mean I do not like kids in general. I am just not a big fan of crying, screaming children and at times I find them overwhelming. I figure I probably have 3-4 more years of this until I start wanting kids so much that a trip to Babies-r-us is filled with ooos and ahhhhs. But until that happens, the last place I really want them is running down the aisle at the church during the wedding. So how do you write in a tackful way

You are kindly requested to keave your screaming mongrels at home.

Everyone Loves Little Girls

I am going to say something that might make me burn in hell, and make my good Catholic parents very upset. But I am not a huge fan of children. No that does not mean I will not have my own, because I am sure that motherly instinct will kick in one day. And no that does not mean I do not like kids in general. I am just not a big fan of crying, screaming children and at times I find them annoying. I figure I probably have 3-4 more years of this until I start wanting kids so much that a trip to Babies-r-us is filled with "ooos and ahhhhs". But until that happens, the last place I really want them is running down the aisle at the church during the wedding. So I figured it might be too tacky to put on our invites "Adult only reception", because it might give people the wrong impression. It is bad enough that my law school budget is forcing me to invite some people without the "plus 1". I do not want all my friends to hate me. So when I heard that my future MIL was inviting her niece and her baby, I wanted to scream. I started thinking? What if she starts screaming in the church? What if she throws cake at people? What if she is just plain cute?? Nah! So I decided, if I must have a child there (mind you the only child), then she must serve a function. I must give her something to do, thus making her a flower girl. I never thought I would have a flower girl, because of the reasons listed above. But I thought, shoot if I have to have her there then she has to work. You know what they say about idle hands? Well that opened a can of worms. All of a sudden, I started to get tons of emails on dresses and colors and shoes and tiaras. Why cant they just put her in combat boots and overalls? Do I really care what she wears? Well apparently I do, because when they showed me some dress that was red and frou frou. I probably should have told them I hate red...Oops! So now I have to take back the ever so kind "Oh any dress is find". Um no! I had to politely tell them my color theme of the wedding and hope they get the hint. Which they did - and low and behold I get these pics of this ever so cute little girl dressed up like a princess smiling at the camera. Apparently, she told her mom she was getting all dressed up to go see a "princess."Okay okay the kid got me. Anyone who can recognize my royalty ancestry has scored points with me. For that I might even pick her up a damn tiara.

MPRE

This weekend I had to take the MPRE, and for those who do not know what it is I will explain. The American Bar Association beside making you take 3 days of a grueling 21 hours of exams also makes you take this 3 hour ethics exam. Okay it was more like 2 hours and 25 minutes, but nevertheless. The midwestern thinks it is their way of policing themselves so that the state or federal government will not get involved in making laws to govern how lawyers practice. I kind of agree. So with that said, in order to get admitted you have to take this ethics exam which they recommend you take your last year of law school so that it does not interfere with you studying for the bar. Except they never considered it might interfere with the 2 papers I have to write for school. Jerks! Anyway, I spent 5 hours studying on Friday night after 1 vodka/soda and a martini. I do not know why I insisted on having alcohol in my system, but I figured if I had to do 180 multiple choice questions dealing with: Can a lawyer be subject to discipline for commingling client funds, or Is it proper to pay for referrals?. BORING! I figured I should be tipsy. So back to the exam. I wake up at 7:00 am on Saturday for a 9:00 am exam. This is very odd considering that the exam center is all of 15 minutes from my apartment, so why did I wake up 2 hrs earlier? Well because part of being a law student or a lawyer for that matter is being anal. That is why some students book 3 rooms for the bar exam, just in case one burns down, one is hit by a tornado, then you have back up. So I woke up 2 hrs earlier, in case the path was flooded, the ferry sunk, and the taxi cabs went on strike..I would still have a way of getting into the city on time. I showed up on Church street at 8:30 am which gave me enough time to scope the proper seat. You know the one that is not too close to the person with the fidgety hands, or the girl who is blowing her nose. Which brings me to taking any exam in the winter. It should be banned! Too many damn people blowing their nose, that half way into the exam I thought the blowing of the nose sounded like it was in unison to a song I heard on the radio. Someone get the girl a freaking nasal spray! I heard a person behind sigh very loudly and slam her pencil down, but the girl did not get the hint. She kept going - honker and all. Finally I finished all 60 questions, and even the test center questions where I get to give my opinion of the test center. I gave everything raving reviews (NY law school is in a nice building and great location..I mean the distance to the bubble lounge is great because all law students should have champagne within walking distance) But the question about taking the exam with no distractions made me look for a space where I could make additional comments about Gonzo over there but I could only answer: Excellent, Fair, Bad, Terrible. I chose "none of the above", and then walked out of there as fast as I could praying that the champagne bar was open at 11 am.

Eating Gold

So it is March 5th and I am 4 months away from the big day. I have spent the last 4 months planning the important stuff: Food, Liquor, dress. Oh was there more important stuff? You see I hate fussing over stupid details like what color should the flower girl dress be - who cares? So long as there is no screaming crying baby running down the aisle - you can put her in a green camouflage overall outfit for all I care. So when it came down to trying to decide if I wanted to spend $33.00 on a flap that hangs over the side of my invites - I was ready to scream. The wedding industry as I have mentioned before is nothing more than a way to get people to spend way too much money on things they can't afford and everyone will forget within the first 3 martinis. So I figured that's it!!! Focus on Martinis! So I started looking at martini ice luges. For anyone who has never seen one - it is a 200 lb block of ice where you pour the vodka down what sort of looks like a water slide in Disney and the vodka comes out chilled as you catch it in your martini glass - Brilliant. What worries me is that I may have people with their tongue stuck to the ice sculpture because they have decided to catch it with their mouth (see Exhibit A above). Trust me those people will probably be the Midwestern and me - bitsandgiggles are you in? During my research, I also came across this new luxury vodka that has Gold flakes in it. Wow! How cool would it be to ingest 24 kt gold flakes, that has got to increase my net worth some how right? Does anyone know if our bodies can even digest gold? Ahh all these details.....

War or Honeymoon?

I was sitting in the living room when I heard the Midwestern say something to the fact that "Chavez is sending troops to Colombia." What? Chavez? Colombia? What the hell is that batshi*t crazy psycho doing with Colombia? I mean anyone who goes around chewing coca leaves all day has got to have a few brain cells short of a oraguntan. Well it looks like not only is Venezuela going to send troops to my homeland, but so is Ecuador (my other homeland)- WTF? You see for me that is a big problem considering that my wedding is in Ecuador and my honeymoon is in Colombia. I really do not feel like flying through enemy airspace. Not to mention that it is already normal to be greeted at the airport by AK47's, but now I have to worry about being caught in the middle of the military fire or trying to find a pink bullet proof vest to go with my outfit. You know most people pick normal places to have their wedding and honeymoon, like Mexico, Bermuda, Jamaica, or Hawaii. Not a 3rd war countries that are run by Farc, and especially not countries that have thousands of paramilitary guerillas walking around as if it were a cops during the St. Pattys parade in NY. So with that being said, I am on the internet looking at the refund policy of my airfare under the category "war", and hoping that I can change my hotels as well. I mean Avianca (colombian airline) has to understand, right? I mean they do not really want to be target practice either do they? Anyone have any places I can get some nice combat boots?

I was not sure that whether my fingers or my nose was going to fall off first, but I knew if I did not get to work soon one was going to go fast. Today was probably the coldest day of the year, if anything has convinced me not to move to Chicago this was it. Luckily I heard the weather while I was getting dressed so I pulled out my wool slacks, my turtleneck [which I bought on one of the coldest days in Paris] and then grabbed the J-Lo coat. I have this coat that is long and furry and suede and sort of makes me look like Jenny from the block. It is a mix between ghett-o-licious and fab-o-licious. And I am sure if I had as much money as J-Lo I would own two. The coat also makes me feel like a Russian princess with its big hood, so I thought "Bring it!" That was until I started walking my way up Pine Street and I though Oooh...God must be really pissed off at us for this global warming thing, that he decided to kick our a*ss this morning. God: "Oh so you want to keep driving those SUV's don't you?" Us: "Yes we do and what are you going to do about it." God: "Well how are you going to feel when 9 of your toes have turned black. Now let me see you push that gas pedal on that Escalade....What you got!!?" (I swear I have these conversations in my head) The Hummer thinks it won the battle with its Hybrid (that is such an oxymoron). So instead of gas we use hydrogen - And? When the car is THAT big it doesn't matter if we use Champagne, I still see a world war breaking out over some grapes. So now I am sitting at my desk next to the window, being thankful that I work on the 50th floor where I can feel the unprotected UV rays of the sun beating down on my face. Ahhhh...I can slowly start feeling my circulation pump back into my toes. Whew, because it would suck if I only had one - How else would I drive the "beast" in Puerto Rico?

Farewell my Friend and Confidant

Farewell, my friend and confidante! As you go, so must I return upon the well-worn path. Each soul must travel by. Wend where you will, my wanderer, Even as you stay. Long-treasured in my lonely heart, Loved well, though far away.

I am writing this blog with much happiness and sadness to my dear friend JK. He is currently sitting in an internet cafe in his flip flops somewhere near the Andes drinking a cafe con leche. I did not have a chance to bid farewell and am very saddened for that. However, between him trying to finalize the last 30 something years of his life in NY and me trying to rush out of NY practice class at 8:30 - our paths never crossed before he took off on his journey to the Equator. So instead I send this message to him by the only means I see fit - Internet blogging. So as I sit here and think back to the late nights of eating Lobster tails at Outback in White Plains, or the CD production logs that kept us so long in that God forsaken building of IBM... I still smile. Then we progressed to a deeper friendship over highlighting trial exhibits and sticking labels on green folders in the pencil top skyscraper of CSM. Ahhh what we would do without the life of 80 hour weeks of the corporate legal world to bind us? I have met so many amazing people over the midnight Island Burger meals at a conference table on the 36th floor. And now I bid adieu to one of the first and definitely one of the most important of the original CSM crew. I will miss you JK - keep wearing your slippers even if it is 80 degrees in Cusco and keep in touch. In the interim, I will save the lobster tail for you senor frog until you return.

Sadness in Election 2008

I regretfully announce that my boy Richards oops, I mean Edwards has dropped out of the race. I call him my boy because according to http://www.campaignissues2008.com/, he is my preferred candidate. I feel bad that he has decided this race is mostly about either putting a woman in the white house or putting an African American in the white house. Since when did it become a race about "history blazing its path" http://www.wral.com/news/state/story/2374923/? I thought it was about the Iraq, health care, stem cell research. Not lets see how much history can be made in 2008 - is it a woman or is it a man? Is it white or is it black? Well I am very disappointed that the celebrity candidates have pushed out a perfectly good candidate from the campaign. Okay enough of my political platform, I will just let the celebrity candidates rip each other to shreds until the best man/woman wins. Now I have to go take that quiz again to see which of the two is more "my candidate". Too bad they do not ask questions like "Are you more interested in hot pink pumps?" or "red patent pumps?" Then I would know who is my candidate!

BitsandGiggles Big 30!

I have been sort of behind on posting my blog entries. It has been a variety of laziness, being busy reading for school, and watching too much WE channel. So I have to back track to Jan. 18th when Bitsandgiggles celebrated her big 30. The night started with Russian vodka infused with cranberries or was that raspberries? The night ended with russian vodka infused with more cranberries...Ooh and then the honey came out. I vaguely remember calling the Polish restaurant (I know I said Russian, but it is owned by a Polish woman), at 11 pm and asking..How long are you open just for drinking? Yes, I said drinking not drinks. I was excited what can I say. Her response was "How many?" How many what? Drinks, I don't know, one, two okay lets be honest three carafes of vodka. Oh wait she meant how many people! Six! Okay she said. We walk up to the place and her husband (I think), was pulling down the gate. "Wait" I think that was bitsandgiggles running in her new zebra print Steve Madden shoes. So we walk in and went through 4 carafes of vodka - ok we lied. It started as three I swear. I will say the night was a blast. It was full of yummy middle eastern food, belly dancing, bitsandgiggles suggesting Scores, etc.. I lost the bet of bridezilla leaving early, but she let me slide..whew! I could not afford another $20 bet. I just lost one the day before - damn she knows her friends. I never got to show her the evite that I created with pink polka dots, but I believe it went off without a hitch and we all had a great time. But the best of it all is now the Midwestern and LJ want to exchange email addresses. What else can we ask for??

Engagement What?

I woke up sick as a dog on Saturday to the blaring sound of not one but two cell phones. Apparently, my parents think that if I do not pick up the phone the first time then either a) keep calling until I do or b) call the Midwestern and me at the same exact time until someone picks up. So I wake up frantically thinking someone must be hurt, dead or worse. I answer to hear my dad yelling why don't I pick up the phone, blah, blah, blah. My head is asking "get to the point dad, because I have enough Nyquil in me to numb me for another 3 hours." He starts telling me how my uncle (my mothers brother) is upset because he is throwing me an engagement party and no one is attending. WTF? When I hear that my uncle is throwing me a party to celebrate my engagement, I think lunch at his house with the family - right? Wrong! Apparently he thought catered food, bottles of champagne, the paparazzi. Why didn't anyone tell me? Oh yeah, because he somehow lost his ability to dial a telephone number on his cell phone and now is crying "oooh no one is coming to my party!" So I start making a million phone calls to all my friends. Okay the truth 10 phone calls to my only friends. I already knew that it was going to be hard to drag people from Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx and Manhattan to Greenwich, Connecticut. But my uncle has offered to have his driver (I must be in the wrong line of business), pick up my friends in NY and bring them back. So problem solved right? wrong? It still does not take away from the fact that it is 1 week away and I actually do only have a handful of friends. Which is ok because better a few great friends than a lot of bad friends. Thus here I am 5 days away from my engagement what? Party. With a half a SUV filled with a few of my friends who so graciously have agreed to eat and drink with me and take the trip to another state. AHHH what would I do without you guys.

Last Will and Testament

I have been sick for over a week now and I have decided it is not worth living. I am tired of drinking Nyquil (is that stuff addictive?), taking Theraflu, drinking Dayquil (the color is cute), and ingesting an obscene amount of disgusting antioxidant juice. Not to mention these concoctions that the Midwestern bought me with beets, wheat germ, spinach and apples and other disgusting nasty stuff. The only good that has come out of the past week is two days off from work, home made chicken soup, and the occasional pity party from people. But now I am getting people asking me "Your not still sick right?" Why? is there a time line? Or is it illegal to hold onto the flu..or the cold..or whatever the f&*k this is for longer than 4 days. I start school this Wednesday and I am not looking forward to sitting through 4 hours of class when I am coughing out a lung. But in the process I do have some home remedies that my Russian friends have recommended which I am going to try tonight. One involves drinking a shot of vodka with pepper. Even if that does not work maybe my liver will feel better. The other involves boiled potatoes on my chest (No, not boiling potatoes and my breasts). This sounds like it might land me in the burn unit. The last one involves a ridiculous amount of raspberry preserves. Believe it or not that remedy is actually from my Russian doctor. Instead of just prescribing me some codeine and antibiotics like a normal M.D., he tells me to eat as much raspberry preserves as possible and call him in the morning. I am not sure where my health insurance money is going, but I swear if I do not feel better by tomorrow and my finger nails are stained red, I am having him pay for my manicure.

Crashing the Bar

So my dear friend bitsandgiggles is preparing for the most terrible experience of her life - no she is not getting married or having a baby she is taking the bar exam. I have been vicariously living through her while she is going through the PMBR and the new BARBRI classes. Even though I can not even fathom what 5 hours of class and 9 hours of studying 6 days a week does to a person, I am trying to find humor in all that surrounds it. We need the spirits alive! So when I read the Barbri method, I finally understood why so many lawyers are addicted to drugs. Are they kidding me? Not to mention that they make you buy 380 lbs of books and then not sleep, or eat for two months. Then I read this article and it all made sense http://blogonaut-blogonaut.blogspot.com/2007/11/lawyers-defense-to-meth-charge-i-did-it.html. Of course our lawyers of America are making Meth! But that is not the worse part, the fact that they are able to get away with drug charges for pleading "handicapped" because he was high is BRILLIANT! So when these law school graduates are sitting through hours of contracts and torts and then realize their $150K education did not teach them half of what they need to know for the bar. All they need to know is at least they will be able to keep themselves out of jail. So, I have decided to start staking up on Sudafed and ammonia, and I have the dog already. Bitsandgiggles hang tough, and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel or crack pipe whichever comes first.

Oh the weather outside is frightful!

So the holidays are upon us and I have spent the past few days doing last minute Christmas shopping, cleaning, entertaining, cleaning, entertaining, eating - Did I mention cleaning? This Christmas week, it has been all about the apartment. I know it is only 700 square feet but since I did not decorate this year I wanted to get the place in order. There are a few projects I have been meaning to tackle for example: new closet doors, new bookcase, filtered water (Hoboken water tastes like Mexico city), add lights in the kitchen, putting up pictures...Okay so my list is big. But I will say with the help of generous parents (mine and the Midwestern) we now have new pictures, a light in the kitchen, a water cooler [I love 50 degree water], and have the closet doors on order. Oh and you can not forget the new stainless steel recycling bin - Hey if I must save the environment why not do it in style? I know I sound sooooo domestic, but with all the time I spend studying at home (the library can get a little exhausting) I might as well love it. Even if all it took was some clean water and some pictures on the wall.

Hitting the Town & Country

So the last day of finals ended with a wonderful engagement AGAIN. I was treated with a beautiful visit to our old favorite champagne bar Flute in midtown and then surprised with a proposal and a canary diamond so big my eyes hurt. After being treated to strawberries and cream by the manager we were off to dinner. Then the night ended with a fab dinner at Country where the ceilings were 20 feet high and the chandeliers were bigger than my sofa. And even though there was no chair for my purse (Daniel Boulud your the greatest), there was still plenty of cool items. Such as the frog legs...OHH Kermie! And the complimentary champagne and the balcony table for two. Not to mention the menu with our names on it and the white chocolate with "Congratulations" written in dark chocolate. Should I tell the chef I hate chocolate? NAH! After 3 exams, one which included the horrid Federal Tax exam I needed this. Because after the tax exam, I came close to sticking a large object in my eye or possibly ripping my fingernails out one by one - I figured either one would be more pleasant then how I spent those last 10 hours. If I have not said it already - Law school will suck the life out of you and then spit it out and make you eat it. With that said, nights like this one spent with the Midwestern are welcomed in order to take my mind off what horrors lie behind and ahead.

Thats just my baby daddy

The past 7 days have been spent eating fat free pringles, wearing sweatpants and flats, not doing my hair or make up and reading pages of Bankruptcy and Tax. But before I could subject myself to the stale air of the Newark library, I went to my new gym. My thoughts were "be healthy & don't get fat" because eating easy mac and fat free pringles just was not going to keep my figure slim. I also figured it would assist me in getting through the day. So that while I am sitting at an exam I can think about how I did an extra 10 minutes on the elliptical machine so I can eat that extra gummy bear staring at me. But then it hit me, the real reason I was going to the gym was not for the fancy locker rooms, or the new ski machine but it was for Maury and Montel. It occurred to me that I ran to the gym to plug in my head phones so I can finish watching "my daughter is sleeping with 50 men" or "Shocking DNA!" episodes. I guess I figured if I am sweating while I jog on the tread mill that it excuses my sorry self from watching mindless talk shows that are trashy and disgusting. I keep telling myself if I have to read endless notes about indebtedness and adjusted basis then I deserve some trash TV. But what I did not appreciate were all the commercials. I timed it, Montel spoke for all of 4 minutes and then he kept taking commercial breaks. If I saw one more Reggaeton Optimum online cable commercial with the mermaids I was going to scream. So now exams are over and no more Maury and Montel, but I will miss "My babby daddy is my boyfriends father" on Friday damn!

Bat shit Crazy

So the past two weeks have been lovely. Puerto Rico, great friends, birthday, then Thanksgiving, great family, etc... I know that this is all coming to an end because finals are around the corner, but luckily I started outlining early that I am not too behind schedule. So when I opened up my mail the other night with the return address from a HS friend of mine - the first thing that came to mind was "AWW" She sent me a belated bday card. NOT! So I open up this paper of pure evil and read a page about how I am not the friend I used to be, and there is some discussion of her feeling "numb" - Damn you would think I was sleeping with her and I forgot the foreplay. The letter discusses this stupid fight we had and in so much words how I swept it under the rug and acted like nothing happened (or chose to ignore or forget it - I think were her words). And then ended with a Good bye and have a nice life! What I forgot to mention is that this fight happened 4 yrs ago. Yep folks you got it - she is bat shit crazy (thanks bitsandgiggles for the adjective that is so perfect). Not only had we been on speaking basis for a year, but we did lunch just a few days before the letter showed up. Flutter, flutter, do I hear the bat wings? First off, who the hell holds a grudge for 4 yrs and then keeps it quiet for a year and then writes a poisonous letter right after my 30th birthday after a lovely lunch date?? Those nasty little black flying insects oh and her! So am I a little bitter? Yes. Am I probably developing some psychotic tendencies? Yes. But I promise, I will not write a letter if I need to discuss my frustrations. I will handle it the mature way...Sticking my Stuart Weitzman's in her eye.

Gobble Gobble

Another Thanksgiving gone, and another fall semester coming to the end. I am sitting here doing practice exams for Tax and of course no answers! So I sit here and waste endless hours doing questions that I will never know if they are right or not. And I listen to hours of monotone voices on CD of a boring professor that they hired from some southern state to teach me Bankruptcy. UGGH, life sucks again. I have eaten massive amounts of mac n cheese, mashed potato, green bean casserole, and the pies...Oh the pies! Pumpkin, squash (I made that one), sweet potato, cherry, apple, pecan. I am looking for different ways to pump my stomach and remove everything I just ate in the past 4 days. Not to mention that the weekend consisted of the Midwestern's two stepbro's showing up which always entails loads of Makers Mark and endless hours of cigar smoking. I can tell the wedding will be fun and smelly :0 So as I contemplate over the past few days and think of where the next few weeks will leave me. I am not sure what I would rather, read about capital gains, eat another pie, or staple my stomach with a Swingline and no anesthesia.

The BEAST

So as much as I am worried about the environment and the oil wars, I have to admit my father owned a beast for many years. The beast being what half of America or at least the entire state of Texas own....A "SUV". I just finished reading an article about the price of gas going up to $4.00. I did not know the effects of this until recently when we tried to refill the gas tank in Rincon. The price of gas was in liters so I did not realize how pricey it really was. I remarked "WOW" "Gas is so cheap in Puerto Rico." I never was good at conversion. Then as J was pumping the gas (well I couldn't because I got my drivers license in Jersey so I never took the pumping gas class), we saw the numbers creep up. Is that machine broken? J reacted and said "No, it must be in pesos!" Nope we were both wrong - the total being about $55.00. Well I guess I am not a minority according to this article http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/Extra/HundredDollarFillUpComingToPumpNearYou.aspx?gt1=10621
So lesson learned, do not buy a large beast unless you want to continue to pump ridiculous amounts of cash into your gas tank, continue to enjoy hot days in October because our ozone has become almost non existent, and most of all unless you want to spend another x-mas with our boys in Iraq. See Puerto Rico was even a learning experience of current affairs - who would have thought?

30 and counting!

Well the past four days have been spent snorkeling, taking in the sun, eating mofongo, swimming, driving around in a large SUV, and consuming an enormous amount of alcohol. I celebrated my 30th birthday in Puerto Rico. It was 87 degrees on average, the ocean was 80 degrees and the surfers were out. The town of Rincon, is beautiful (even if it is invaded by guys with blond hair and flip flops). The food is cheap, the town is small but with enough to do to keep 7 people very busy. The house we stayed at was gorgeous and the kitchen was bigger than my Hoboken apartment. The 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom house had 2 living rooms, a pool, dining room, patio, balcony, 2 car garage. I could not have asked for anything more. Not to mention that all the people I care about the most were celebrating with me. Who else would drive 1 hour and half to see glowing micro sea life? Who else would finish an entire bottle of Tortilla Tequilla and a gallon of Puerto Rican rum with me? God I did not think I could eat that many cheetos in one sitting. [Note** do not mix with Cheez wiz) Who else would make sure I always had a coconut in my hand? Not to mention there is one person in mind who stood by me when we were being stalked at the airport? I mean come on! Anyone who sighs at Bette Midler and can sing "Always" by Bon Jovi at the top of their lungs deserves kudos from me. I love you. I do not know how to thank my friends for what they did, but they made this the most memorable birthday ever!! I still think back to admiring green moss ocean rocks with J, watching sunsets with the Midwestern, salsa dancing with K, and driving to Homeland security singing "God is watching us" with Bitsandgiggles. "Sigh" So no more bowling in the living room, eating lots of processed cheese, and drinking Rum with pistachio ice cream at 2 am.....What are we going to do without Rincon?

Countdown

So I have 8 days and counting until I turn the big 30! I thought I would be scared and depressed and there was a time when I sort of moped. I thought I should be making more money, I should be living in a huge apt in the city, I should be finished with law school, and I should have a rock on my finger. Then I realized, I got credit cards who needs money, my 700 sq foot apartment is still closer to NY than my friends who live in Brooklyn (sorry guys), I should not be rushing to pay student loans, and well lol and behold I am engaged. So I guess I cant complain. Not to mention I like my job, my boyfriend, my family, my friends and most of all my dog (cant forget Spike). On top of all that mushy stuff, I am going to Puerto Rico in 8 days where I will swim naked in my pool, and snorkel with strange animals in the Caribbean (and the fish too:), and drink an obscene amount of alcohol, and hope not to puke in my hair. So life ain't so bad. I have just rewinded back into my 20's except the only difference it will be on some tropical island. So I have concluded that the older we get the only thing that really changes is the places where we decide to stick our head in the toilet just become more exotic.

We got it going on!

Instead of going to tax and bankruptcy on Tuesday night, I was jumping around dancing singing "Shot through the heart and your to blame..." You get the point. Jon, came to visit our humble city of Newark this week. Actually he is here for 10 days, to celebrate the grand opening of the new Prudential center. I will say the show was amazing as usual and it was even better that it was free. But what got me most was that I actually enjoyed the opening act. Big & Rich, this country band that apparently half the women over 40 in the audience knew the lyrics of. Scary that I can say I enjoyed it with them. Especially when they sang this song "I play chicken with the train" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0jvyyz4Bhc with a beautiful black cowboy named Troy. Well, I never knew they had them in Texas. So now that I cant stop singing "Go on kinfolk tell you mom and them,Chugg a lugga, Chugg a lugga, Chugg a lugga" OMG what is next, I will start voting Republican and I will think Bush is a genius. Help me God.