Thursday, February 09, 2006

Let them eat cake

One of the exercises that we were asked to do in Criminal Law class is to come up with "a story" for the defendant we represent. Now this exercise can be quite fun, yet disturbing at the same time. Especially when you are blaming drunkeness on beating a grandmother to death, or a seizure being the reason the defendant ran over his cheating wife. or my favorite was the lawyer that constructed the "story" of the husband who threw his wife overboard on their honeymoon because she ate too much cake. Remind me to stay away from the lemon meringue.

Battle of the Bulge

Any who has known me even for a fraction of my life, knows that I have always been thin. I am not saying this to brag, I have a fast metabolism and I was always small as a child and teenager too. But the days of eating bags of cheez doodles and powdered donuts are over. Since May of last year I have somehow managed to put on 16 lbs. Now I am a whopping 5 feet 2 inches, and regardless of the 5 inch heels I am a short girl. You see, 16 lbs on me makes me look a little bit like Daniel Baldwin. Yep that bad guys! Luckily, the LIL has not noticed and even if he has, he still tells me I look beautiful. AHH, love is blind. But when I tried to put on those tight little courderoy hip huggers the other day, and I could not get them past my J-lo on steroids ass I realized I was done. It was time to make a change. But what did I do wrong? Was it the changing of jobs? Changing of BF's? Was it the late night meals, or the new chef in the house? Finally, I narrowed it down to the Cappucino muffins, and the Freshman 15. So after many weekends hiding in sweats and having sex in the dark, until that black Friday when my dad told me I was putting on the pounds. Okay goodbye muffins! I decided about a month ago to do what I never thought I would be doing - Dieting. And don't get me wrong nothing wrong with it, except that there are so maby fad diets out there that it has become a craze. One day it is the eat all fat, grease, fries, steak and eggs, and loose weight diet, the following week it is eat only raw foods, then no white foods, etc... When it came for me to join the fat wagon, I decided on good ole fashion diet...WW. I don't have to spell it out, those that are on it know exactly who I am talking about. The LIL doesn't know I am a member, but I am sure my internet history doesn't lie. Especially, when everything that pops up is points, smartones, and I just dropped $50 on Lean cuisine. So here I am - 8 lbs lighter and counting. My goal was to drop 3 more lbs by the time I go to Puerto Rico, which is tomorrow. Which means unless I purge or take tons of horsetail, it aint going to happen. But I am okay with that, I am still throwing the bikini on and will be walking down San Juan with my head up high. Because the one advantage to sun bathing in Latin countries is that latin men love a good size booty and thighs. Thank god for my people! If not for the love of the curves, every Hispanic would be forced to look like Kate Moss. But since the men all want your ass to look like a mix between Beyonce and Scarlett Johansen - I am all set for the weekend. And the good news is that the Lean Cusine's have not burned me out yet, but I have become overly obsessive (like I do with most things). It is a sad day when I am counting 21 cheetos on my plate.

Baby Come Back

Well it has been way too many months since I have posted anything of any relevance, not including the angry letter to the editor that I was so very proud of. Well let’s cut to the chase and do a briefing on what’s been going on since the last entry. In October, the Midwestern came back (a.k.a. BF). After two weeks of heavenly bliss, and endless days of not getting out of bed, all that patience finally resulted in permanent residence. The BF abroad has graduated to Live in Lover. Quite a feat considering that he was first the friend, (after a messy break up with Hitler and a rebound with the Russian) then the friend with benefits, then the commitment phobic BF, then the somewhat serious but leaving for sabbatical BF, and finally the BF abroad. (Long distance sucks in case anyone has not figured that out by now). Go back through the Archives if you missed any episodes. The one advantage to having the BF abroad were the lavish exotic places I visited for our romantic rendezvous. (And of course the shower in the jungle). After a transitional and very exciting 10 months, I think we have developed into quite the couple. Even though we were pretty head over heels over each other for most of it, it was just a matter of getting him to stay still (read Taxi entry). I would even be bold enough to say we have become the envy of most, so perhaps that is why I have avoided writing in the blog. Because no one who has any brain cells wants to hear all the lovey dovey details of someone else’s relationship. It is almost as bad as putting a picture of the two of you on your cell phone (okay yes I have one of those too - I can’t help it). What’s next? His face as my MSN messenger icon? Damn it, too late! (Just kidding Kim) Lets be honest, the exciting blog entries are those that contain ugly fights, hidden wives, suga daddy’s, and restraining orders. Ahh memories…So since for once in my life I don’t have any cheating boyfriends, jealous lovers, or saggy ass booty calls, I figured I would take a break from the blog writing. Until I was out the other night, and I realized there is still plenty to discuss besides googly eyes. So I am back and hopefully with a vengeance. Stay tuned “battle of the bulge”.