And it is only 10:00 a.m.

You know the day can only get better when you start the morning with a sentence that includes both the words "black" and "big" to an attorney at your firm. Then I somehow managed to spend 10 minutes crazy glueing (is that even a word?) my burberry glasses together (times are tough), and then another 20 minutes trying to rip my fingers off because they were krazy glued to the glasses, and then another 30 minutes cleaning the glue off my finger tips. Really the day can only get better from here.

Not before Coffee Please

The new associate at my firm came into my office today (Note: before my morning coffee) and started asking me a range of questions and talking a million miles a minute. I don't know about anyone else, but before my morning coffee it is way too early for you to come in and babble aimlessly because I will probably hear only 1/2 of what you are saying. Not to mention, GET TO THE POINT! So, I stop her mid sentence and say "Huh, okay I am not sure what you are asking. What do you need to know?" (In other words if you do not leave quickly I might throw a binder at you) She then went on to show me a document that was marked up by my partner. She turns to me and states "I do not know why I am working on this document, I thought this was sent to court already." Again confused as to why I should care what document she is working on, and also confused as to why she is questioning a document that was given to her by my partner. If the partner at my firm gave me her grocery list, shit who am I to question why she is buying whole milk instead of soy? Nevertheless, let's continue....Again she rambled for about 10 minutes, at this point the lack of caffeine is giving me a headache so I stop her again. I then say "Okay let me check the case file and see what we find". I pull the case file and can not locate this mysterious document that she claims exists. Instead of saying "It's okay I hear voices too" I tell her "Okay looks like it is not here, so just do as told (slave) and process the document in your hand." She then excitingly points to a stack of paper clipped documents and says "There it is!" Happy that maybe now she will leave my office so that I can go inject some espresso in my veins, I grab the paper she pointed at and look at it. It is a document that is all marked up with red ink from my partner (hmm, looks a lot like what she is holding in her hand). I look at her with this strange dazed look (Did you eat paint as a child?) "A, you realize this is just work product..This does not tell me whether the court received it." She looks at me confused and says "But I thought....(she thinks??) 10 minutes pass, and still me minus coffee. She walks into my office again. I pick up the stapler, she is going down. She exclaims "Oh, I forgot that I asked the secretary to send it" (F**k the coffee, now I need a shot of whiskey to help me understand how you graduated law school). "A, glad that all worked out, have a nice day"

Why I hate Law School

Jerk Law Student: Are YOU in THIS class???
Me: Yes. (What the f&ck you never noticed the hispanic girl with wild curly hair behind you, or were you too busy surfing the net for porn?)
Jerk Law Student: Really, because I never knew you were in this class.
Me: Yes, I have always been in this class (Well now you know AS&H*LE!!)
Jerk Law Student: Really? Because I have never seen you or um..noticed, I always thought this class was an all male class.
Me: I don't know why you would think that? (Now the whole class is staring at me - Thanks Jerkoff!! I am about to punch you in the balls if you don't stop saying how you NEVER see me and NEVER knew I existed)
Jerk Law Student: I mean no offense, I just haven't seen you. I don't know why I didn't know you were in this class.
Me: Hmm, maybe because I was out last week. (Maybe because you have half a brain and I am not sure how you got accepted into law school maybe you lied on your LSAT essay and said you were saved from a sex camp in Romania and since you spent most of your life being someone's bitch you decided to be a lawyer so you can fight justice)
Jerk Law Student: Maybe? I mean no offense...Really
Me: No, dont' worry (Don't worry I will not kill you right now, but maybe when your not looking I might stick something sharp in your leg when you walk by me - watch your back punk!)

Intellicrib

I have decided I am ordering one for when I have a kid, because if I can not hire Maria and ship her down illegally and pay her below minimum wage then I need a back up plan.

Shark Week

I have come to the conclusion real estate brokers are the devil's spawn. I do not want to offend anyone who might actually have a soul in their body and is in this profession, but I truly believe they ask you to leave your morals at the door when you are hired. The midwestern and I have a secret vice and visit open houses on Sundays after brunch. I think we partly do it because we like to see how the other side lives, and the other part of me somehow really wants to believe I should have been rich and the stork just made a mistake dropping me off in Queens. Either way, I have come to meet a lot of these sharks and I have grown to dislike them more and more. They will convince you to sell your dog or pimp him out if they thought it would get them a commission.

Can't Touch This

Yesterday, I rode the bus to New Jersey. I have not been on a bus since the First Friday of our First Fridays. That was not as scary as this. It was a bus to Ridgewood which I do not know a lot about except that apparently it is a town of alcoholics. I sat down in an empty aisle seat and this blond woman in her 50's with a skirt and a suit jacket looks at me and yells "Don't Touch Me". I lift my left eyebrow with this look of both confusion and dismay. I then say in a very Queens voice "Excuse me??" I was thinking that perhaps the lady had turrets syndrome so I wanted to give her another chance to speak again. She looks at me with this glazed look and said "It's okay, it's fine." Now my face has this deer caught in headlights look, did she just excuse me as if I was apologizing. For some strange morbid reason, I decided to stay in my seat. That was until she started staring at me. I ignored her, and proceeded to text madly to the midwestern to say my farewell because I was not going down without a fight and I was afraid I would be locked up with a butch woman in Bergen county Jail. All of a sudden I saw her head sway and slump over on the window, she was either going to throw up (or so it seemed) or die in her chair. I got up and moved my seat within 2 minutes she was passed out making funny faces at another passenger. I was safe now, but not without some inner scars. I have decided that either I need to find out where this woman goes to happy hour and slap the bartender silly for not cutting her off, or just never ride the bus again. I do not want to say that this is what happens in the burbs but it makes me happy that at least on the Path platform no one would notice me passed out on the platform snuggled amongst 100 other drunks .

BUTLER/HOUSEHOLD MANAGER NEEDED ASAP $85K-$12OK DOE

I am dropping out of law school.......


"Wonderful family is looking for hands-on, experienced Butler to help manage the family’s home and act as a household manager. The family lives in the heart of Boston in a tasteful and elegant townhouse. They are looking for a polished, organized, trained butler to do daily household management, prepping and cooking, gourmet grocery shopping and household inventorying, errands, assistance with planning and executing luncheons and small affairs, vendor management, small household repairs, internet research, staff training and management and family assistant duties. This is a wonderful opportunity to work for an amazing, aesthetically oriented, philanthropic family. Ideal candidate will have excellent communication skills, be polished, extremely organized and able to wear a variety of hats. Live-out or Live-in (separate accommodations provided). Salary open DOE. Must have a clean background, wonderful references and clear driving record as a full check will be conducted. PLEASE SEND RESUMES IN A WORD DOCUMENT AS WELL AS REFERENCE LETTERS.

YOU MUST HAVE AT LEAST 5 YEARS EXPERIENCE WORKING WITH A FAMILY

PLEASE NOTE THIS JOB IS IN BOSTON MA.

Am I the only one who feels weird wearing suit pants when I am not wearing the entire suit. It is like I broke up Sonny & Cher. I keep thinking that I should not wear these pants unless it is traveling with its counterpart jacket. But this morning, when I looked at what clean slacks I had...I had no choice. Of course no one will know the difference, but the suit jacket might be just a tad jealous next time I wear them together. I might have damaged the relationship forever. Yes this is actually how my brain thinks.

Bong Hits for Jesus

I am sitting in children, family & state law and my professor is talking about free speech for children. The topic is of the most recent Supreme Court case that decided on an Alaskan student who carried a sign at a school function "Bong hits for Jesus". Why is it we have all these strange people coming out of Alaska? It is not bad enough that we have hockey mom Palin who can't figure out where Russia is on a map but insists she can see it from her house. Now we have crazy kids running around with signs about pot smoking and JC. Is there something in the water? Whatever it is, I am moving to Canada.

But only after the debate tonight ;)

Green with Something

I do not ususally discuss work on this blog partly because I always fear that some how I will be found. Nevertheless, I need to understand why I am having cruel "Blair" thoughts of how to sabbatoge a new girl at the firm. She is slowly moving into what is supposed to be my position when I return from the bar. And even though I know no one can take away the 3+ years of experience and good relationship I have with my partner. It stil worries me that while I am studying for 14 hours a pop during the 2 months I am off for the bar exam that somehow little miss sunshine is going to start doing bar shots with my boss on Friday nights. She has called me for minor questions, and I have been helpful but never offering to do more than needed. In the back of my mind, I am thinking of how I can tamper with a brief she wrote and switch it with it an angry email to a boyfriend or maybe slip into a conversation with the boss about how she was known at school as the class drunk. But in the end, I will not do any of these things but it always makes me feel better to think about them. Law school has taught me so well how to handle competition. Kick it in the knee and then run as fast as you can.