Friday, March 30, 2007

Size XXXL here I come

My entire life I have spent trying to keep myself in shape, popping diet pills, watching endless episodes of thin and trying all sorts of gimmicks. And all that work was for nothing, because that's all over. Bikini season is around the corner and ladies we no longer have to count calories, and live off liquid diets. We can eat what we want, drink what we want, even indulge in deserts and fried foods without any concern. The new bathing suit of the season doesn't have strings and is not made of that flimsy material that doesn't cover or hide any part of that pizza you ate last night. Instead it hides all your assets and conceals cellulite and the new bathing suit will not care how much Chinese food you have eaten over the weekend. Check out, and get rid of your hydroxycut and stacker III, I know you all hide them in your handbag where no one can see them. Instead eat, drink and be fat!!

Friday, March 16, 2007

Hair today gone tomorrow

So tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day and no callbacks on the shot girl application. Wow, what a shot to a girl's self esteem. So to make myself feel better and boost my self image, I decide to splurge and go see Flor. She is my Brazilian waxist. We have not seen each other for awhile and I missed her and her me. As I walked into the salon, I realized she had a new haircut. I complemented her and she scolded me for not visiting for so long. Well, you will pay for it she says. Oh Jeez, I know I will. So after making small talk about the shade of brown she colored her hair and the new blow/cut she got, I spread my legs and here we go. I cringed every time she "taught" me a lesson for waiting longer than 4 weeks to see her, but I forced a smile and told her I thought her eyes looked nice with the new sweater she had on. After she told me to basically touch my nose to my knees, I ran out of things to tell her so we discussed Brazil and how beautiful the women are there and how this is a must for all that live there. After all is said and done, I walk out feeling like a new woman. I realize the pain is so worth it when I look down to view the lovely work she has done. Hitler's moustache is this week's choice and I am proud as I put on my clothes. So screw you bars that refused to hire me as a shot girl. Who needs you! I am beautiful and proud and whenever I need reassurance I will just rip out my hair follicles from the root of my sensitive skin to prove it - Yes, us women are weird.

Shot Girl

So, for the past few weeks I have been desperately trying to tighten my budget in order to save up for an apartment. Yep, you heard right in this world of real estate my goal is to own a second piece of property before I am 30. It is quite the feat but if it gets done, I might end up eating peanut butter sandwiches for the next 30 years. Because of this, I am watching my budget, cutting back on mani/pedis, wax, haircuts, etc. I still do the night out on the weekends, and the occasional shopping spree at whole foods but that is just because I think eating and drinking are necessities. In the hopes of making extra money, I have been surfing Craig's list for part time jobs. I am actually looking on how to make money fast because law student, a full time job, and kickboxing is enough to occupy every minute of the week. So after I passed on numerous postings with titles such as: "open minded ladies looking to make $1000 a week" and "Do you have pretty feet?". I finally came across an ad for a St. Paddy's shot girl. Brilliant, one night of wearing some skimpy green outfit where I have to deal with drunken men all night long while they drink body shots off me. Sounds like an easy $300-500 bucks. So I send in my response and it goes something like this: 28 yr old, law student, looking to make extra cash, no experience but am quick to learn, positive, persistent and energetic. I am 5'3", 120 lbs, brown hair, brown eyes and measurements, 36x27x34. So I lied about my age by a year because the idea of being almost 30 I thought would prevent me from getting the job, I am not sure about my measurements because I never put a ruler to my ass, but I am guessing it is 2 inches smaller than my breasts. I figured the waist by a pair of pants I am wearing and I scrapped 4 lbs off my weight - Ay what do they know, they won't put me on a scale will they?? I might have to take diuretics and run around the bar in a trash bag to loose the extra 4 lbs if they do. Or I hear there is this salon that wraps you up in foil and cooks you and you are guaranteed to loose 6 inches. Not sure how pleasant that would be, but hey whatever it takes.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Nip and tuck

I am not sure why the idea of plastic surgery has suddenly become my new obsession. It might be because I have tapped out of all furniture searches for small spaces. If I watch any more HGTV shows, I think the Midwestern is going to leave me. I am not sure what did it, but I guess it had something to do with Pimp my Bath playing in the background during a romantic interlude. So instead I have decided to look up ways that I can suck huge amounts of fat deposits from my body. I am very scared of pain, and I am sure that I would chicken out kind of like when you are waiting on line for the front row of the roller coaster and you end up slipping underneath the bar and run out before it is my turn. I can't imagine how I would sneak out of an operating room, maybe I can stuff some pillows underneath the white sheet and then sneak out through the back. The problem is how can I not get noticed with the hospital gown on and my bubble butt showing through the back. Maybe I can get a free ride back to Hoboken?