Tuesday, February 27, 2007

40 yr old virgin

I am walking down Wall street being passed by my morning breakfast of good looking men in 3 piece navy blue suits. And while I am passing the stock exchange, getting ready to enter my gold skyscraper that I call home from 9-5, I am bumped by a black and white furry bear. No, there was not a bear walking around the financial district. But instead there is a 40 yr old woman dressed in a hooded parka who just walked past me, with a blue backpack that has a stuffed panda bear attached to her zipper. I start to think that maybe I should not have skipped breakfast until I realized that this is the same woman that I heard in the copy room say “I am not allowed to sleep over a boys house.” No we do not support child labor. This is in fact a 40 yr old woman. I could hear my mother’s voice in my head say “I do not want you playing with that girl, she is very strange.” I was in the copy room one morning when I heard Goldilocks telling another co-worker that she told her parents she was sleeping over a co-workers house for the weekend so she could actually stay over her boyfriend’s house. Which sounds vaguely like an excuse I used 15 years ago. Apparently, she has been dating the same guy for years and lives at home with mom and dad AND they still think she is a virgin. Oh did I mention the Easter bunny was in the copy room too. I felt as if I am watching a scene from Pleasantville and any minute now I will see a shade of red. Or so I hope. I think my parents sort of gave up on me somewhere in my teens, when they realized that girls in my neighborhood were buying maternity clothes. I am not sure if it was the panda bear attached to her Jansport that gave this woman’s parents the idea that she is still a budding flower, but I could not fathom that people like that exist. I should have known when she showed up at work in pink UGGS.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Hi my name is Conchita!

Why is it that I open up my hotmail account to read a message that goes something like this...My name is Guadalupe. I found your email on that dating site.I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :(If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at___. No I am not revealing the email address just in case it is a legitimate e-mail and we establish a lesbian relationship. Where in the world does my e-mail pop up that these crazy websites find me? Was it that one time that I was curious what tea bagging was?! Could googling the velvet rope get my e-mail snatched by these dirty hackers? Damn, if I would have known it was that easy to get an offer of sex from a sexy Latin girl, I would have googled dirty porn long time ago, or just stayed at home with myself and Bugs.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

My Hero

There was a time when action movies were entertaining and even though they were sometimes outrageous we could have fun living vicariously through Bond. Now, we are forced to deal with action heroes like Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, and the Rock. Each of these actors has had one good movie that gave them this title, but they have all slowly moved to more ridiculous characters. Which has caused me to loose all hope in the action hero of this generation. When Vin Diesel is changing diapers and fighting crime with a baby bottle in his hand, I begin to forget what attracted me to his lovely bald head. When the Rock is wearing a baby blue powder suit while fighting crime, I start to think what happened to the guy who could beat up five guys with a 2x4 and somehow still make a sweaty black BVD look good. Then we have the guy who used to be my favorite super star Jason Statham, a.k.a. Frank Martin, http://www.transportermovie.com/home.html. I seem to notice a baldness connection, which works out well in case the Midwestern ever looses his hair. So long as it is a good head, not egg shaped like Brad Pitt. Who thought he could look so bad http://www.tmz.com/2006/12/01/brad-gets-bald-in-big-easy. Okay back to "Frank", I was so excited when it was time to watch the sequel, I put on my favorite pajamas and grabbed the light microwave popcorn and pressed play with the same excitement that comes on Monday nights at 9p.m. to watch my man Jack. After the 1st hour into the movie, I was ready to turn it off. Jason had disappointed me with ridiculous stunts that made Spider man seem believable (another bald one). And what was going on with the blonde with anorexia and non waterproof mascara?? I think I threw my popcorn in the air after I saw him race the Audi 8 into the air and over the dock, flip it over while the hook of a crane catches a bomb. The bomb explodes, but his car somehow lands safely and the "Frank" is without a scratch. [Besides the fact that I know want an Audi]. I have given up! I am moving on to turtlenecks and Ron Burgundy. At least then I can look forward to the receding hair line.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Hard Knock Life for Us

It is ten below zero, the crowd is yelling at decibels way too high for my ears (perhaps my dog can hear it). I can't hear myself think and my fingers have frostbite. No, I was not watching the superbowl in Chicago, I was at Jay-Z's club 40/40 http://www.the4040club.com/

The ultimate hot spot for Superbowl everyone says. Yeah, maybe if your a polar bear with the salary of a Chicago Bear. This place not only broke my bank account, but I could not even speak to anyone at the table (Did I mention the hypothermia?). The plasmas were so loud, I thought my eardrums were going to come out of my head. I do not care who owns this place, but no one in the city of Manhattan should be able to charge $90 for mozzarella sticks. It is fried cheese! I was dining at Vong on Friday and spent less. Since when did Jean George get cheaper than Beyonce and Jay-z? And if I am dropping $180 to drink bud light and eat mozzarella sticks and wings, then why can't Jay-z afford to put some heat in this place? Maybe because he dropped $4 million to build this damn bar, he must have run out of cash before he was able to put the boiler in. The web site says "We tried to create a place that would be favorable to both men and women, and we think we have found it with the combination of sports and an upscale hip lounge." I don't know about you girls, but last time I checked fried twinkies and sliders were not my idea of an upscale lounge. I may need to have a talk with Beyonce. On a positive note, you can purchase a membership for $1,500 to gain unlimited access to the VIP room. Maybe they have heat there?