Monday, June 30, 2008
So if anyone knows me even a little they will know that children are not on the top of my list of favorite things. Not that I am mean or cruel, I just lack motherly chracteristics. I mean my dog goes hungry and without water at times, because I am downing shots of vodka on a Friday night and forgot to put the food bowl down. These are not things I am proud of, but I have to be honest with myself. So when the idea of a wedding came up, I said NO KIDS. Of course I sucked it up for the Midwestern's cousin's baby and made her the flower girl - but I draw the line outside of blood relatives. So when I received an RSVP 2 weeks from the wedding that the Midwestern's old college buddy is bringing his 2 offspring I almost screamed. The discussion led to the "No, we can not revoke his invite" I guess this is not like a license or something? So I spent most of Sunday trying to figure out where to seat these 2 little people. I could not have them at the original table with bitsandgiggles and my 3 co-workers trust me I would hate to see my boss with cake on her face. So I moved the whole family to another table that I basically made up just for them. I know this is not a big deal and if this is the worst that can happen I will suck it up. But I swear if I hear a peep out of either of these mongrels I will go down that aisle and smother them with my veil.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
So this weekend was the 2nd wedding (surprise surprise) that we were attending this month. This time, I was the one in the bridal party. So I spent all of Saturday and Sunday with the bride doing bridesmaidish things. Since this is my first time being a bridesmaid I will give credit to all of those who have done it before - Hail to you oh great ones! It is hard ass work. I ran around going to brunches, and lunches, and dinners and nails, and hair and feet, etc.. Not to mention the emergencies such as lipstick on gown (Tide to go!) or bustles that do not bustle. You get the point, but I will say the best part is that my friend was the sweetest bride. There was always a please and thank you after every request, so note to self (and all others). Be nice! Even if you are hot and sticky under a 30 lb dress just suck it up because these girls have sucked it up with you. With that said, there was a lot of dancing, a beautiful interfaith ceremony, and an annoying photographer that I almost beat down Queens style. I also got to sing Hava Nagila which made the midwestern question whether I was from S.A. or Israel. We had a great time - Cornell alumni you rock and the music and location was great (anything near a body of water pretty much rules)! The only mishaps on the trip was we almost ran out of gas in the middle of the sticks at 1 a.m. and we almost had our bodies chopped up into a million pieces by the Wolf Creek killer. (Another note to self) Put gas in the car before you get on the road to nowhere. Corn fields do not show up on GPS, and if anyone needed to find us not even Jack Bauer could. Hopefully the only mishap in the next wedding will be me and bitsandgiggles doing shots out of our pink flask before the ceremony.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I walk up to the open bar and ask the bartender for a stiff one and he responds "can I see ID?" I giggle and say "Okay seriously I will have a double grey goose vodka martini shaken not stirred and make it fast." He looks at me with this blank stare and repeats it again..."Can I see your ID?" By this time, I was ready to start dipping a straw into the vodka bottle. So I explain to him in my ever so sarcastic voice that no one with half a brain brings an ID to a wedding. I am not at a bar or a club, I am at a wedding. A wedding where I just dropped $300 into the money box and squeezed my mashed potato butt into a tight black dress, and a wedding where my Midwestern cooked in the sun without a bathroom break for 4 hours, and a wedding where I had 30 children running around my feet screaming and making noise. At this point I need a drink so badly, the bartender should just start breaking out the funnel. I storm off, tell the groom the problem but the bartender still refuses. Luckily one of the groomsmen bought me a drink, but the rest of the evening I had to ask someone to get me drinks. So I figure dinner is about to be served it can only get better - right? Wrong! I sit down to a Pork and Veal dinner. Who in the world makes a wedding with only 2 choices, baby cow and pig? I meal at least throw some fish or veggie options. Well I was not too concerned because the bride assured me that she ordered my meal in advance. I tell the waiter I am part of the vegetarian crowd and he nods and walks away. I am so excited that my mouth is watering. He returns with a plate of arugula, 2 pieces of asparagus and a mushroom on top for decor. At this point, I am convinced this is the salad. Oh silly me!!! it was the damn entree. Now I am trying to figure out if I can some how grab my tweezers to grab the envelope back out of the money box and take back my gift to the lovely couple so I can buy myself a slice of pizza down the block. The Midwestern trying to make lemonade out of lemons asks the waiter for a plate of polenta. He brings over a side of polenta and I ate it with half a loaf of bread because I was so hungry I could have started eating my purse if it were not synthetic. I wish I could tell you I was too drunk to care or that the music was so good I was too busy dancing and that all of these mistakes meant nothing in the scheme of things. But as I listened to the temptations and other horrible old music from my parents generation. I sat around making more mental notes..."My humps", "Soldier Boy", "Gold digger". So no, I will not have centerpieces the size of a small child, and the midwestern will not wear a $800 tux and my groomsmen will not all wear stupid patent leather rental shoes(oh wait what groomsmen??)and $150 Armani ties, nor will I have ice sculptures of the Louvre in Paris. Instead, the Midwestern will wear his hot new Cole Haan's with his Jones New York Tux and Gold Italian silk tie we bought on Wall Street. And the only flowers will be petals on the table and our music may be filled with inappropriate mix of rock, alternative, pop, hip hop, salsa and reggae. But who cares
So it is wedding day and this is where the fun begins. When you make six figures, a wedding is so much fun to plan, because everything goes. For example, you get 2 suites at the Four Seasons because you need one for getting dressed and one for sleeping. You also rent a trolley to take your 16 person bridal party around Chicago in 95 degree heat with 88 degree humidity for 4 hours to take pictures. Why? because you can. But somehow all the money in the world can not make the trolley's air condition work so you have 8 sweaty men in tuxedos ready to pass out and faint. So you bring beer lots of it, and chips and sandwiches, but all that does not matter when there are no bathroom breaks. Why? Because the psycho photographer and Bridezilla can not go off their time schedule. So the midwestern almost got left behind while he ran in to use the can at the museum. The only good thing is the boys got to sit in the dug out at Wrigley Field which made getting heat stroke all worth it. I on the other hand was strolling around magnificent mile shopping, enjoying the Victoria Secret Sale. I got a call from a few of the girlfriends of the bridal party who then met me for brunch at this cool spot off the avenue. Once I got back to the hotel to get dressed the midwestern walked in as red as an apple and with a rose wilted from the heat on his lapel. I told him to take a cold shower before the ceremony, but he said bridezilla would not let them - something about more pictures. Jesus I mean I love my bridesmaids but I do not need 5 hours of pictures of them. So I forced him to shower and off he went to the ceremony. I finished getting dressed and met them all at the restaurant and threw an extra pair of shoes for the midwestern in a bag. Because the patent leather tux shoes rentals were pinching his feet. Apparently the groomsmen were not allowed to take those off either. I just about had it with all the do's and dont's of this OCD wedding. I figured if anyone said anything, I would just beat them with the heel! The ceremony felt ten hours long, and the homily lasted longer than an inagural address. I di sort of laugh though because even the minister made fun of the bride and her type A to the fifth power personality. Then there was a rose ceremony, a unity candle ceremony, lighting candle for the families ceremony. I thought if they drag this on anymore I will stand up and scream "fire". Instead 5 screaming flower girls ran around the altar while the priest spoke and the bride and groom said their vows. While I made mental note to call my doctor to tie my tubes as soon as I got back to NY. After the wedding march (I hate the wedding march), it was off to cocktail hour. The apps were good but little did I know my night had just started.
So this Friday I was off to Chi town to celebrate the Midwesterner's best man's wedding. He was getting married in Chicago with his wonderful fiance and this was supposed to be the wedding of the lifetime. We took a 5 am taxi to the airport and arrived in Chicago way too early. But that's okay by the time we rode the L to the hotel, they let us check in early. Yeah! for wedding party perks! So after checking in, we decided to splurge on some deep dish pizza. Being from the East coast the closest I have come to that was Uno's, and was not too impressed. That was until I tried my cheese and spinach deep dish at Gino's East and fell in love with the midwest. After consuming way too many calories we were off back to the hotel to meet the rest of the wedding party. The Midwestern took off while I went to the spa and learned a hard lesson. There is no such thing as hard wax in Chicago or the state of Illinois for that matter. I forgot to visit Flor before I left and I called ever damn salon in that windy city and no one knew what I was talking about. Finally I ended up at Elizabeth Arden Red Door and met the nicest Ukrainian lady named Svetlana who took care of me. I liked her so much and she was so sweet, we discussed shopping and eating, while she had my legs spread eagle. So $1000 dollars later, I paid her for the most expensive wax job of my life and went back to getting ready for the rehearsal. The rehearsal was at Gibson's where I ate a pound of raw tuna with cheese mashed potatoes and Key Lime Pie all while wearing my lime green shoes and patent leather clutch - Yes I matched the desert. How the hell was I supposed to fit into any dress tomorrow eating and drinking like this? I was put in charge of watching the $150 Armani ties of all the groomsmen and was probably carrying around a grand worth of cranberry silk ties. The night ended at some bar and I took off because I luckily left my ID at the hotel and was not allowed into the dive shamrock bar after midnight. The idea of walking on sticky beer floor while wearing my hot green stilettos made me nervous. So I went back to our very expensive not worth $200 night hotel. At 4 am, I woke up to the sound of the Midwestern as he walked in and told me he basically talked the groom off the ledge. I was not sure if the groom was freaking out because he thought I ran off with the ties or if he was just freaking out because his bride-to-be spent a small down payment on flowers. Either way I was tired and did not care so I rolled over thinking of the wedding tomorrow and whether I can fit my butt into a satin dress or if I had to run out and buy spanx.
Well, a lot has happened since my last post. I had a wonderful bridal shower that resulted in a ride around central park in a gondula with a man wearing a funny outfit. Champagne toast on the rooftop of the Ritz waiting for the sunset and oh I forgot to mention the crab benedict and goat cheese salad. So thanks to my wonderful friends some who traveled very far (well I am not sure which is farther Queens, Chicago or Sayerville :)I had wonderful memories, gifts and just a grand day. Since my last post I have also had the pleasure of escaping wedding stuff to share in something of greater importance bitsandgiggles graduation and celebration of passing both bars (damn over achiever) And had a wonderful meal at Del Posto with wine oh so much wine! And also during the last month I found a wonderful organist, bought both wedding bands and spent way too much and started summer school. But let us not forget the weekend wedding in Chicago. Oh the stories...to be continued in Part Deux