Thanskgiving Recap

So I spent 4 days eating tofurkey, drinking wine, and watching bad movies. For me this is the best way to celebrate thanksgiving at the in-laws. There was a visit to Vermont and some antique window shopping. Not to mention plenty of intense democratic rhetoric and republican bashing (thank god my dad is not here). Either way I managed to buy bitsandgiggles a gift from "out of town", and I ate lots of pie. Speaking of pie, I managed to pull off my very first cheesecake. And not just any cheesecake, but maple syrup WW approved cheesecake. It was a hit, or so everyone said it was in order to make me feel better. The pie also managed to get me into an argument with the Midwestern, because for some reason I felt that he rather drink beer with his friends then keep up with tradition and bake pie. I must have had way too much estrogen pumping through me that night, because normally I would jump at the opportunity to run around the house naked with a bottle of prosecco baking pie. Either way, that was the sum of the long weekend, and some how I squeezed in 2 hours of criminal procedure and played bongo drums (don't ask).

Thanksgiving

Considering I have had some pre-bar blues, I figured what better time for Thanksgiving. The one holiday when you reflect on all the things good in life and 4 days of eating and drinking. So here it goes: (in no particular order)
1) I am thankful for my mom and dad, they are always there for me and they have been my rock through everything good and bad. I love you guys!
2) I am thankful for my bro, even though I see you only when you do not have band practice, I have to beg you to go to college, and you rather spend your money on guitars than school tuition...I still love you. Your a good kid brother and please don't ever change.
3) I am thankful for the rest of my family (especially you grandmama!) you all love me very much and I am grateful for that.
4) I am thankful for my friends, there have been some which are no longer around and I am happy I have weeded out you guys. The friends that have stuck it out are true friends and I thank you for being wonderful.
5) I am thankful for bitsandgiggles, yes you get your own shout out! Thank you for being there for law school, a wedding, and now the bar exam. You are wonderful and I am lucky to have you around. Who else loves fine dining and being cynical more than we?
6) I am thankful for the midwestern, you have survived the 100 hour work weeks with me while seeing me at my worst: when I am hungry, tired, and with no make up. You have stuck it out through the terrible 3 years of law school, many travels around the world, my dog, living with me, dealing with my obsessive personality, my stilleto tastes compared to your granola lifestyle. You haven't smothered me with a pillow while I am sleeping yet, and you actually married this high maintenance woman. Kudos to you! And if you survive being my husband while I am studying for the bar, you have a free pass to heaven. Good luck!
7) I am thankful for my dog, you are always happy to see me when I come home, you never answer me back, you give me lots of kisses, and you keep me warm at night. You kept me company when it was just the two of us, and you are a loyal friend. Never leave me, and please stop barking in my ear. Love you!
8) I am thankful for my job, even with the new girl. Without you job, I would not be able to afford the nights out at Bouley or any other michelin star restaurant. So what if I can't pay the cable or the electricity with the salary you give me- those things are over rated.
9) I am thankful for the coffee cart guy, even when the weather is crummy you always make me smile because. You are always happy even though you have to sit in that cold cart all morning dealing with slimy stock brokers. You know exactly how I like my coffee and you always ask me how I am. Thank you.
10) I am thankful for you martini glass, you are the one who holds the one thing that makes a crappy day into a nice day. I don't know what I would do without you. (I will see you at 5pm)

It could be worse

Thanksgiving is around the corner, and so are finals and so is the bar exam and so is the last day of work as a paralegal (hopefully). My patience has run thin these past few days. Yesterday, I spent the day thinking about how to booby trap the door to my office to prevent the new girl from coming in. Then I snapped again today when she emailed me for the 200,000th time. I am sick and tired! I am tired of everything. I am tired of making copies, dealing with stupidity, studying for exams, the Socratic method, making small talk, the man in dunkin donuts who talks too loud on his cell phone, the stupid law student who let his friend cut the entire line at the cafeteria, the fact that there is nothing to eat at home but week old cheese, running out of veggie bacon, burning veggie bacon, the fact that cable sucks all the time, the fact that I pay $140 a month for cable to suck all the time, telemarketers, closet doors, the fact that I have no closet doors. I am just tired. I am counting the minutes until tomorrow when I get to leave work and enjoy a 4 day weekend and eat tofurkey with a bottle of red wine. I will not think of bar applications, or law school exams (okay I lied yes I will). But I will not dwell on how to prevent the snack shack guy from leaving, or how to make the new girl leave. I keep telling myself I am just in a slump, and it will all get better. Then I remind myself that "No instead it will get worse". Instead, I will break out into tears while doing practice questions, or run into the bathroom during Bar/bri class because I am confused about the law of perpetuities, or speed dial bitsandgiggles for some sanity after the simulated MBE. Oh, I have so much to look forward to.

New Girl

Dear New Girl at my job:
1) Stop wasting my time and asking me for my work. If you have nothing to do, not my problem. Stop trying to steal my billables.
2) Stop kissing a*s, it is not becoming of you.
3) Do not talk to me when I am eating lunch. If I have noodles hanging out of my mouth it is usually a tell tale sign I am busy.
4) I know you think we are friends, but you are mistaken.
5) Stop asking me how I am or how is school, because let's be honest you don't give a shit and neither do I.
6) Do not call me or email me or stop by my office 3 times in one day or I will have to suffocate you with your own turtleneck.
7) Do not poke around my office when I am not there, or I will have to chop off your fingers.
8) Stop acting like you have enough work to keep you there until 7 pm, we all know you are really surfing the net.
9) Stop coming in before 9 am. Our work day starts at 9:30 a.m., you are making everyone else look bad.
10) I would prefer if you don't acknowledge me at all it would just make the world a better place.

Thank you Train Lady

So I walked out of the MPRE, and for those that have no clue what that is. It is the Ethics exam the Bar requires you take in order to get admitted to practice. So in other words, I could pass all excruciating 21 hours of the Bar exams in 2 states but without this damn 2 hour and 5 min test I can't practice (what the hell is the 5 min for anyway to tear up the exam in case you have a nervous breakdown?) Anyway, I was getting on the train in Tribeca passing all these places I love Centrico, Landmarc and knowing it is way too early to eat but never too early to have a drink. I knew if I was taking the MPRE with bitsandgiggles we would totally hit up the Bubble Lounge and grab a $16 glass of champagne. Because she knows how we like to do it up right. Okay back to the story. Getting on the train, I see this lady with her 2 kids. I immediately begin to worry that they are going to sit next to me, because we all know how much I love anybody younger than 18. So of course the family comes and sits down next to me. Just my luck I thought. "Are you studying for the bar?" I look up...the mother is speaking to me. I nod "Yes I am". Her daughter (in a very fashionable petticoat) asks "Mommy what is the bar?" I want to chime in "the bane of my existence". But instead the mother answers "Well honey it is a very hard test, which takes a lot of studying and it is very important. Mommy and Daddy took it together and we locked ourselves in the apartment for 6 weeks and even fought a lot but it was worth it." A smile slowly comes to my face, what a cute story damn I wish the Midwestern was in law school doing this with me. The little girl made this face which looked like she just drank sour milk and she said "Ooh does it have math? That sounds bad". (Yeah math does suck. Right on sister!). The mother turns to me and then asks "Are you studying for Feb exam?" I respond "Yes". She then smiles this comforting and warm smile (one that a mother would give to her child) and says "Good luck". I don't know if it was because I hated my multi grain bagel because they put raisins in it (if I wanted a raisin bagel I would have ordered one), or the over abundance of emotion for finishing this damn MPRE, or the fact that I only had 5 hours of sleep. Whatever it is I was touched. I never felt so good to be sitting next to a mother with 2 kids. As I got up to get off on my stop, I looked at her and said goodbye, and she looked at me again and said again "Good luck" and the little little girl smiled this big smile at me. And at that moment, for reasons I can't explain, but I just knew it was all going to be okay.

Waiting on line at the Guggenheim

Okay that was my cheezy attempt at a rhyme. Last night was another successful First Friday. I had to run the dinner alone, which for some reason made me nervous since there might be people there who knew bitsandgiggles but not me. Thoughts ran through my head on how I would come up with witty comments the way she does in hopes of not having an awkward silence. But in the end, dinner was fine. I ate a whole lot of raw fish for $25.00 and PETA I am sure would not be too happy with me. I am wondering if I contribute that much this month do I get a free pass? Anyway, after dinner we ran over to the Guggenheim which as a New Yorker I was ashamed I had never been. But then again how many people knew there was a Jewish Museum on 92nd street. If your Jewish you don't count on knowing that. I now know because I walked the wrong way, but that is besides the point. Once I figured out the difference between north and south on 5th avenue. We waited on line with a whole lot of people to get in. The 2 people in front of somehow reproduced into 6 people when boy George with the ugly houndstooth scarf brought all his yuppie friends with valley girl accents. Which brings me to the diverse crowd at the museum. The crowd was a mix of Williamsburg hipster with rich Upper East Side kids dressed to the nines and then the of course overlap of gossip girl followers. Trust me I was not judging, I was actually feeling a little under dressed. But after fighting for a glass of wine (served in plastic which took away some of the elitist quality to the event) I was convinced the Guggenheim on First Friday was the place to see and be seen. At any moment, I felt like someone was going to run up to me and ask me if I saw what Serena was wearing, but my luck it did not happen. Aside from the dead Pinocchio in the pool (which made me a little teary eyed), the place was quite fun. I did have to visually block out the image of the woman with needles stuck in her skin and pervert carved on her chest with a baby sucking her saggy breasts for most of the night. Just the thought of it now makes me glad I don't do drugs (and that I have perky boobs). Is it too late to marry a gay plastic surgeon?

Obama Baby

To all those that think the only reason Obama won was because every republican stayed home and did not vote yesterday. The truth is all the republicans DID vote but they voted Obama Baby!
Palin what are you going to do now? I hear Russia needs a new president.

I am singing this until Tuesday

And it is only 10:00 a.m.

You know the day can only get better when you start the morning with a sentence that includes both the words "black" and "big" to an attorney at your firm. Then I somehow managed to spend 10 minutes crazy glueing (is that even a word?) my burberry glasses together (times are tough), and then another 20 minutes trying to rip my fingers off because they were krazy glued to the glasses, and then another 30 minutes cleaning the glue off my finger tips. Really the day can only get better from here.

Not before Coffee Please

The new associate at my firm came into my office today (Note: before my morning coffee) and started asking me a range of questions and talking a million miles a minute. I don't know about anyone else, but before my morning coffee it is way too early for you to come in and babble aimlessly because I will probably hear only 1/2 of what you are saying. Not to mention, GET TO THE POINT! So, I stop her mid sentence and say "Huh, okay I am not sure what you are asking. What do you need to know?" (In other words if you do not leave quickly I might throw a binder at you) She then went on to show me a document that was marked up by my partner. She turns to me and states "I do not know why I am working on this document, I thought this was sent to court already." Again confused as to why I should care what document she is working on, and also confused as to why she is questioning a document that was given to her by my partner. If the partner at my firm gave me her grocery list, shit who am I to question why she is buying whole milk instead of soy? Nevertheless, let's continue....Again she rambled for about 10 minutes, at this point the lack of caffeine is giving me a headache so I stop her again. I then say "Okay let me check the case file and see what we find". I pull the case file and can not locate this mysterious document that she claims exists. Instead of saying "It's okay I hear voices too" I tell her "Okay looks like it is not here, so just do as told (slave) and process the document in your hand." She then excitingly points to a stack of paper clipped documents and says "There it is!" Happy that maybe now she will leave my office so that I can go inject some espresso in my veins, I grab the paper she pointed at and look at it. It is a document that is all marked up with red ink from my partner (hmm, looks a lot like what she is holding in her hand). I look at her with this strange dazed look (Did you eat paint as a child?) "A, you realize this is just work product..This does not tell me whether the court received it." She looks at me confused and says "But I thought....(she thinks??) 10 minutes pass, and still me minus coffee. She walks into my office again. I pick up the stapler, she is going down. She exclaims "Oh, I forgot that I asked the secretary to send it" (F**k the coffee, now I need a shot of whiskey to help me understand how you graduated law school). "A, glad that all worked out, have a nice day"

Why I hate Law School

Jerk Law Student: Are YOU in THIS class???
Me: Yes. (What the f&ck you never noticed the hispanic girl with wild curly hair behind you, or were you too busy surfing the net for porn?)
Jerk Law Student: Really, because I never knew you were in this class.
Me: Yes, I have always been in this class (Well now you know AS&H*LE!!)
Jerk Law Student: Really? Because I have never seen you or um..noticed, I always thought this class was an all male class.
Me: I don't know why you would think that? (Now the whole class is staring at me - Thanks Jerkoff!! I am about to punch you in the balls if you don't stop saying how you NEVER see me and NEVER knew I existed)
Jerk Law Student: I mean no offense, I just haven't seen you. I don't know why I didn't know you were in this class.
Me: Hmm, maybe because I was out last week. (Maybe because you have half a brain and I am not sure how you got accepted into law school maybe you lied on your LSAT essay and said you were saved from a sex camp in Romania and since you spent most of your life being someone's bitch you decided to be a lawyer so you can fight justice)
Jerk Law Student: Maybe? I mean no offense...Really
Me: No, dont' worry (Don't worry I will not kill you right now, but maybe when your not looking I might stick something sharp in your leg when you walk by me - watch your back punk!)

Intellicrib

I have decided I am ordering one for when I have a kid, because if I can not hire Maria and ship her down illegally and pay her below minimum wage then I need a back up plan.

Shark Week

I have come to the conclusion real estate brokers are the devil's spawn. I do not want to offend anyone who might actually have a soul in their body and is in this profession, but I truly believe they ask you to leave your morals at the door when you are hired. The midwestern and I have a secret vice and visit open houses on Sundays after brunch. I think we partly do it because we like to see how the other side lives, and the other part of me somehow really wants to believe I should have been rich and the stork just made a mistake dropping me off in Queens. Either way, I have come to meet a lot of these sharks and I have grown to dislike them more and more. They will convince you to sell your dog or pimp him out if they thought it would get them a commission.

Can't Touch This

Yesterday, I rode the bus to New Jersey. I have not been on a bus since the First Friday of our First Fridays. That was not as scary as this. It was a bus to Ridgewood which I do not know a lot about except that apparently it is a town of alcoholics. I sat down in an empty aisle seat and this blond woman in her 50's with a skirt and a suit jacket looks at me and yells "Don't Touch Me". I lift my left eyebrow with this look of both confusion and dismay. I then say in a very Queens voice "Excuse me??" I was thinking that perhaps the lady had turrets syndrome so I wanted to give her another chance to speak again. She looks at me with this glazed look and said "It's okay, it's fine." Now my face has this deer caught in headlights look, did she just excuse me as if I was apologizing. For some strange morbid reason, I decided to stay in my seat. That was until she started staring at me. I ignored her, and proceeded to text madly to the midwestern to say my farewell because I was not going down without a fight and I was afraid I would be locked up with a butch woman in Bergen county Jail. All of a sudden I saw her head sway and slump over on the window, she was either going to throw up (or so it seemed) or die in her chair. I got up and moved my seat within 2 minutes she was passed out making funny faces at another passenger. I was safe now, but not without some inner scars. I have decided that either I need to find out where this woman goes to happy hour and slap the bartender silly for not cutting her off, or just never ride the bus again. I do not want to say that this is what happens in the burbs but it makes me happy that at least on the Path platform no one would notice me passed out on the platform snuggled amongst 100 other drunks .

BUTLER/HOUSEHOLD MANAGER NEEDED ASAP $85K-$12OK DOE

I am dropping out of law school.......


"Wonderful family is looking for hands-on, experienced Butler to help manage the family’s home and act as a household manager. The family lives in the heart of Boston in a tasteful and elegant townhouse. They are looking for a polished, organized, trained butler to do daily household management, prepping and cooking, gourmet grocery shopping and household inventorying, errands, assistance with planning and executing luncheons and small affairs, vendor management, small household repairs, internet research, staff training and management and family assistant duties. This is a wonderful opportunity to work for an amazing, aesthetically oriented, philanthropic family. Ideal candidate will have excellent communication skills, be polished, extremely organized and able to wear a variety of hats. Live-out or Live-in (separate accommodations provided). Salary open DOE. Must have a clean background, wonderful references and clear driving record as a full check will be conducted. PLEASE SEND RESUMES IN A WORD DOCUMENT AS WELL AS REFERENCE LETTERS.

YOU MUST HAVE AT LEAST 5 YEARS EXPERIENCE WORKING WITH A FAMILY

PLEASE NOTE THIS JOB IS IN BOSTON MA.

Am I the only one who feels weird wearing suit pants when I am not wearing the entire suit. It is like I broke up Sonny & Cher. I keep thinking that I should not wear these pants unless it is traveling with its counterpart jacket. But this morning, when I looked at what clean slacks I had...I had no choice. Of course no one will know the difference, but the suit jacket might be just a tad jealous next time I wear them together. I might have damaged the relationship forever. Yes this is actually how my brain thinks.

Bong Hits for Jesus

I am sitting in children, family & state law and my professor is talking about free speech for children. The topic is of the most recent Supreme Court case that decided on an Alaskan student who carried a sign at a school function "Bong hits for Jesus". Why is it we have all these strange people coming out of Alaska? It is not bad enough that we have hockey mom Palin who can't figure out where Russia is on a map but insists she can see it from her house. Now we have crazy kids running around with signs about pot smoking and JC. Is there something in the water? Whatever it is, I am moving to Canada.

But only after the debate tonight ;)

Green with Something

I do not ususally discuss work on this blog partly because I always fear that some how I will be found. Nevertheless, I need to understand why I am having cruel "Blair" thoughts of how to sabbatoge a new girl at the firm. She is slowly moving into what is supposed to be my position when I return from the bar. And even though I know no one can take away the 3+ years of experience and good relationship I have with my partner. It stil worries me that while I am studying for 14 hours a pop during the 2 months I am off for the bar exam that somehow little miss sunshine is going to start doing bar shots with my boss on Friday nights. She has called me for minor questions, and I have been helpful but never offering to do more than needed. In the back of my mind, I am thinking of how I can tamper with a brief she wrote and switch it with it an angry email to a boyfriend or maybe slip into a conversation with the boss about how she was known at school as the class drunk. But in the end, I will not do any of these things but it always makes me feel better to think about them. Law school has taught me so well how to handle competition. Kick it in the knee and then run as fast as you can.

Rejected

So with the approach of graduation around the corner and about $150K in Student Loan debt. Not to mention 2 months of unemployment and bar fees that I still have not factored in. With repayment plans kicking in before the hazy days of summer begin, I am starting to think of ways to make quick money. I have considered flying to France to do a sleep study and even getting a nice pedicure in hopes that the foot fetish people might hire me. But I think I hit rock bottom when I decided to sign up to be an egg donor. I figured why not. I am smart, healthy, I do not smoke, and I can make up to $10,000. Easy enough just so they can steal some eggs, no problem. That was until I filled out the application. Have you or anyone in your family been diagnosed with ADHD? No. Are you or anyone in your family on Prozac? No. Do you smoke? No. Do you have a college degree? Yes. Woo hoo. I am on a roll...So I await my results. Here is what they sent me.


We're sorry, but you do not meet the minimum
qualifications to become an egg donor.

Thank you for your interest in our program.

I have been rejected! My eggs do not even qualify, they are not worthy. Sigh, back to salon - how is red for the toes??

It's all about the Benjamins

A lot has happened since my last post, and I began to wonder what could possible spark me to start writing in my blog again. If it wasn't the two weddings I had, or the amazing honeymoon through Colombia or calling the US Embassy to get me out of Colombia. If none of these very exciting yet story worthy events did not spark me to begin writing again (whether it be due to lack of time or just plain laziness) then what would it take?? Well, it took a 3 1/2 lb lobster. I spent this weekend celebrating the new hubby's birthday and I decided to go to Atlantic City. Now AC as the Jersey people call it has gone through a variety of stages. Back in the day when the mobsters and Frank Sinatra were around it was classy and only the high rollers would go party at the casinos. They would arrive in fancy limos and eat at extravagant restaurants and the casinos were filled with glitz and glamour. Then the city soon began to get filled with old ladies with plastic cups filled with quarters and all you can eat buffets. The only thing arriving at the casinos were DeCamp buses from the Port Authority bus terminal. So when I heard that AC was going through a rebirth, I decided to give it a shot. The last time I was in AC, I picked up a guy at the casino who became my long distance, pill popping, alcoholic, hot and sexy boyfriend. Don't judge. We all have had a least one bad boy in our life. So this time, it was another man who brought me to AC, a cute Southern chef who has an eye for good ole fashion American food. My hero - Bobby Flay. After many nights of Iron Chef and a night out at Mesa Grill, the Husband became a huge fan. So I figured what better birthday dinner than to drive out to Atlantic City. I booked us a night at the new retro luxury hotel, The Chelsea. Bashaw, the owner, hired the operators of the oh so popular Beatrice Inn to run their lounge so I figured I can not go wrong. The hotel was a hit, the rooms are ultra retro with leopard print chairs (I love animal print) and a bar with 2 fireplaces and a open air patio with a hot DJ blaring great music in the back. The hotel used to be a grimy, dingy Howard Johnson so I worried the area would still smell of old sex, but the hotel is brand spanking new. You would never suspect there used to a sleezy dump where the new Stephen Starr restuarant now stands. Anyway, I have gotten off track...Back to Bobby Flay. So after I had a cucumber/prosecco vodka martini to start the night (I had to get my daily serving of vegetables somehow), we were off to the birthday dinner. The dinner started off with a great bottle of Bordeaux and a wonderful lobster crab cake and oysters. Then came time to order entrees. I made a few mistakes that evening. Mistake #1 Asking the waiter to suggest an entree; Mistake #2 Trusting the waiter. I was recommended the lobster, and the waiter told me it was a specialty at the restaurant and the lobster was very fresh. Considering I walked past a tank of lobsters, I figured he could not be lying. I also thought when can you ever go wrong with a lobster. So he insisted he would crack it open and take out all the meat for me so I would not "dirty my pretty self". Oh how i am a sucker for compliments. So I went for the lobster. When the plate arrived he showed me the before and then came the after. A huge plate of lobster meat with butter and lemon on the side. I was so excited, and dove right into my plate. This is where Mistake #3 came into play. I never specified how many pounds I wanted. So after eating a wonderful mushroom mashed potatoes made in truffle oil and a delicious cauliflower with goat cheese side dish that we both split. I was in heaven. That was until I saw the bill!! It was then that it occurred to me that my waiter friend had picked shamu the whale to serve me for my entree, because my bill said 3 1/2 lb lobster! Who in their right mind would think that a 5'2" inch woman can or needs to eat 3 1/2 lbs of lobster meat? Not to mention, who in their right mind would think I can afford to eat a 31/2 lb lobster? Did he not get the memo I am a law student that is about to be unemployed for 2 months. Considering, I did not want to make a scene. I politely asked the Husband for the Amex because I knew my credit card would laugh in my face. I tipped 18% because the small child I just ate was eating the other 2% of his tip. Damn waiter! I am going back to AC next weekend so I can begin my part time job at Lace. Thanks Bobby Flay!