The heat is on

So I had a panic attack on Friday. How do I know it was a real panic attack? I started sobbing uncontrollably and could not breathe...hence panic attack. I found out that the NY Bar results will be emailed on Tuesday May 5th. Yes, Cinco de Mayo. Not only will they be emailed but no US Postal announcement will be sent out. So if your email account decides to spam your NY bar results you will have to wait until the public announcements - sucks to be you in other words. I do not know why all these emotions that I thought disappeared came back with such a vengeance but they did. Thoughts of what if?? What would I tell my parents, my friends, work? How would I prepare again? I can't take any more time off, nor can I afford more classes. All these thoughts of how failing = living in a cardboard box. Don't ask, but I somehow found a non direct correlation between the two. So here I am less than 24 hours from the announcement, and I have had nightmares and yet I am also trying to fill my head with positive thoughts because I believe they breed positive results. I drank an excessive amount of wine alone this weekend and watched excessive amount of mindless TV alone. Why? Because I wanted to enjoy doing nothing just in case. But I know that I will get through this and no matter what I have to keep telling myself I worked my ass off and I did the best I could and that is all that matters. So not sure what will happen tomorrow but either way I am going to become a raging alcoholic.