Orgy Happy Hour

Okay so I got your attention, well it was not quite an orgy, but somehow I missed out on a whole lot of action the other Friday night at happy hour. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the drunken idiots. The story goes as follows: Tom, Dick and Harry go out for drinks with their co-workers Paris, Lindsey, Britney and Kevin. After numerous beers later, Paris says to Lindsey "I have always wanted to know what it would feel like to kiss someone with a tongue ring." "Okay" says Lindsey. Next thing you know they are sharing spit. But the night progresses. Tom, Dick and Harry were shocked but definitely not disappointed. Soon after another beer, Britney and Kevin decide that there is just too much going on and they do not seem to be included. They begin to feel left out, after some cuddling and smooching themselves...Paris does not give up without tasting a little bit off each menu. She asks Britney for a "kiss", without further notice there is tongue wrestling. After a 10 minute make out session with Britney and Paris, Lindsey feels cheated but she just raises her eyebrow and makes no comment. Kevin did not know whether to slap his B""tch straight or just enjoy the view. Instead Tom, Dick and Harry make a solemn swear to not tell anyone at work..OOPS except me. Man, it is going to be weird on Monday morning when Paris has to go make copies.

Going postal on postal

It is 4:59 and I am staring at what looks like the worst rain storm ever is about to hit. At the same time, my mind is going a million miles a minute because we can not locate the deposit for my engagement ring. There is probably some man with a blue postal suit who has decided to run off to Vegas. On the other hand, I sit here with my ring finger looking so bare. You see we are having my ring custom made by a jewelry designer in Mass. and it takes 8 weeks to make. So we were waiting for the bank check so we could put down the deposit and then pay the full amount when completed. But now there will be some guy named Earl probably calling his live in girlfriend right now at the trailer and telling her to pack her bags because they are going to the Elvis chapel of love and he will probably buy her a white frou frou dress and some expensive buffet dinner - and all on my ring $. And the bank will not reissue the check for 30 days - Don't they understand my finger is lonely and needs the big fat diamond to keep it company. Damn US postal!!

Why doesn't this window open?

So the last month since labor day has been non stop at work, and I am ready to start trying to find a way of opening the damn window in my office. I am on the 50th floor but I figure by the time I reach 48 I will be dead. I love my job don't get me wrong, but there is so much to do and so little time. Not to mention that my cable is out at home so I have nothing to take my mind off work and school when I get home. Yeah, I forgot to pay my bill. But between the deposit on the photographer and the mimosas on Sunday - I figured the WE channel took a back burner. The wedding planning has taken a halt, as I finished all the major things. Is it weird I know the woman at the Ritz by first name? The remaining items might have to wait until after the semester. So long as that day I am not naked, there is someone to take pics of me not naked, there is booze, food and I am able to dance not naked - then I am all set. Oh and of course, my friends, because what else would I do without those late night texts that say "This train has really ugly people on it". So I am doing a focus group this week (yes I am that desperate for $), but I figure someone has to pay for those shoes. In this group, I have to film myself and my life. I never realized how funny it is to see from the outside. Once it is up on You tube I will let you guys know. God when is the cable going to get turned back on???

Wedding Planner

So my new job has become wedding planner. Should anyone be in the need for some research or help in planning any future weddings. I know every venue in NYC and plate per person charge, I know every DJ from Manhattan to Long Island. I can tell you about every photographer in the book. Not to mention, I can also tell you about things not to waste money on like fancy save the date cards, or invitations, or church flowers (who cares what the pews look like), runners, cake toppers, flower petals, confetti, personalized napkins. All these things that were invented to make people like me spend more money. Since the engagement, I have found the dress, shoes, DJ, reception place, church, priest, hotel. There are still a million and eleven things to do and traditions I have opted to remove. Who in the world said all bridesmaid have to look like bobbsey twins? If you don't know who they are just wikipedia it. So I am not doing the macarena, or the electric slide (my DJ actually does not own it). There will be no girls at the altar, and no poofy pink bridesmaid dress. Not to mention, probably no bouquet throwing since I don't want a bouquet. Why so it can die in 1 day? I have learned that in order to not drop 25K on a wedding (which according to statistics is the medium), you need to be smart. But I am going to take all the extra money and put it where it belongs. For example: Liquor! Top shelf 5 hour, and food (people need to eat), and Music. You gotta dance, and good music does not come cheap. And of course location, location, location. So with all that said, I need to go back to my excel spreadsheet called W.day, and update it with the recent charitable contribution for the priest. Damn, even the Catholic church wants money. When did getting married become a business?

Back from S.A.

So I lets start with whats important.....I'M ENGAGED! Oh and I lost 5 lbs. I am not sure if I attribute it to Alli or to the 5 hours of hiking I did for 3 days or the white water rafting or the drinking tea and crackers for dinner for 10 days. Hmm, who would have thought exercise and eating less would work better than a pill. So yes, the engagement is official. It happened in the Ecuadorian Rain forest, wow! Could that get any more romantic. Not to mention it was in a lodge nestled in the trees overlooking the cloud forest, after drinking an entire bottle of cheap red wine and playing scrabble. I was exhausted from the 5 hour hike to the waterfalls and it was a perfect night to snuggle up and sit on my balcony in the rain forest drinking wine and playing German boardgames (oh I couldn't find the English scrabble). It was then that I heard the words "N, You are the one for me." "Will you marry me?" And a whole bunch of other very sweet romantic, tear jerking stuff that only people who are in love, engaged or newlyweds could appreciate. Or just any girl in general. So I will spare you all the story details, because you will probably hear it at my wedding when I say the speech of my two proposals. Yep, that is right. I get the honor of two proposals. I am not sure when the second one will be, but I am expecting down on one knee and all. Not sure if it can beat the rain forest, but I am sure it will be just as cool. The Midwestern had to ask my dad for my hand in Ecuador, so there were quite a few traditional steps he had to take before this became official. But if anyone knows me even a little, in my book I already have the date selected, colors picked, bridesmaid list, guest list, and instead of Google my homepage is http://www.theknot.com/. So it's official - Two proposals = two weddings. Clear your calendars!

ALLI

I have officially decided to start the Alli diet plan. No I am not obese or overweight. But I have a trip to South America in 3 weeks. This trip will include loads of family members whom I have not seen in a year, I can't let them think shacking up with the Midwestern caused me to put on the pounds. It is bad enough a good Catholic girl is living in sin, they will probably tell each other that was God's punishment, little do they know it was the bag of cool ranch doritos every night. Also there might be a side trip to my native land Colombia, and I could not do my people justice if I showed up with a muffin top over my low rise jeans. Besides women from Cartegena are gorgeous and voluptuous, and so I need to make sure the Midwestern does not decided to run off with some hot mama. So Alli it is! I know you have probably all heard of the terrible side effects as did I, but since I am troubled with discussing anything dealing with the digestive system that will not be in my blog. I read the 500 page book that comes with the $60.00 bottle of pills. And it is simple, don't eat fat!! You are only allowed 15 grams of fat per meal and you are 3 meals a day plus snacks between 1200-1400 calories a day (which is normal I am told). Not bad, 15 grams is more than enough. That is unless you are scarfing down a Big Mac and in that case you do not want to take Alli. And other tips are avoid fried food, fast food, cheese, greasy food, eat a balanced diet consisting of fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean meats, etc.. So no Fettuccine Alfredo for me, but I do get to still eat all my favorite items like Tofu, Soy cheese, tofutti ice cream, veggie dogs, and fake chicken. I think this was made with me in mind. Before I know it I will be getting into my Nicole Richie outfit by next week.

My best friend's wedding

One of my best friends asked me to be her brides maid just the other day and I am elated! I have never been chosen to be a bridesmaid, except for the 5 days notice from my Ukrainian friend as she surprised me with a "I'm getting married in a week." She got engaged while in St. Petersburg on a vacation with her boyfriend. Damn these Russians act fast, well when you know what you want - why wait? That is unless your the Midwestern and in that case, just keep keep procrastinating for as long as possible. But as I played the bridesmaid role of helping her get ready, calming her down, telling her she looked beautiful and holding her dress so it would not scrape the streets of Brooklyn...Little did I know that I was training for the day when I would be asked to be a formal bridesmaid where I get to wear the same dress as four other girls, and get to attend a bridal party, bachelorette party and walk down the aisle with a groomsmen looking fab! (me that is) The following day, I called the one person I knew would be the expert in this field - bitsandgigles has attended enough weddings and been in enough wedding parties to be able to train me. Her reaction "SAY NO." I explained that I was a virgin at being a bridesmaid and I could not say no, besides I was flattered and excited. And so the journey begins. I have faith, in my dream world of bridesmaid heaven. I will get chosen to wear a sexy little black dress and not be made to put my hair up in one of those frou frou wedding do's. And then we will all go to Vegas and pole dance in a huge suite while we do shots and drink Ben and Jerry's Peanut butter ice cream. Oh wait that is my wedding!

Stop the Presses!

They are building a Tiffany's across the street from my job! Since, I will probably be 50 by the time the Midwestern proposes, I might have to start putting a down payment on the ring that I want. Which one girls??

Catch Up!

I have been out of touch because of the insane amount of reading, studying and writing that is part of law school exams. Every time exam period comes around, I pray and say "If I get through this I will never do this again." And so hence here we are another semester, another year. I survived 1st year barely, and asked God to keep me off probation and I will give him my first born. Now I am in second year, and the prayers have changed to let me get to 3rd year and he can have my second born. Since I don't foresee having too many kids, I might sacrifice the first again for graduation and maybe the second to pass the bar. We can double dip prayers right? So 2nd yr done, and summer school around the corner. Copyright ooh so exciting. My choices of class schedule has narrowed down to, who gives easy exams (take home..maybe), who doesn't take attendance and where can I get a B with little or no effort. If they pass one of the criteria, the class is sold. The problem is usually you end up with a 25 page take home. No that is not bitterness in my voice. Enough of school!
Another recent event that has given me suicidal thoughts..."I just closed on my apartment!!"
All 700 sq feet of it. If you are from the Midwest and reading this don't even bother making "GASP" noises, because I rather live in a cool hip city then drive to Walmart and the only food available are chain restaurants. Even though I do like Outback. So now I am broke, tired, and trying to pack all at the same time. I learned how to paint quickly since I don't have money to pay anyone to do it for me. I also am learning how to change bathroom fixtures, I would even mess with the lights but electricity and me don't mix. Is plastic a conductor? So back to reality. I will be eating mac n cheese and pbj's for awhile, and I will have to learn how to share closet space and try not to kill the Midwestern in such small quarters. But the upside no Jersey Jim knocking on my door on Halloween. Oh I can not wait to blast my radio the last night before I move at 1am. I hope I wake up both kids now!!!

You might be in law School if??

You know all sorts of sneaky and creative ways to steal from clients thanks to your Professionalism and Ethics class.
You consider dropping out of law school approximately every hour, but after that first semester you realized you were already in too much debt to be anything other than a lawyer.
You aspire to one day own Blackacre.
Substance abuse becomes you.
The drama in your life now rivals that of high school.
You make adverse possession jokes.
You can name without hesitation at least three people who make you want to throw things when you see them raise their hands in class.
You think IRAC and CREAC are just code for saying the same thing over and over.
You are truly and deeply unnerved by the thought of some of your classmates becoming attorneys.
You think tequila shots are essential to ordered liberty.
You wonder if that one professor who always seems angry and irritable and treats students' minds as his personal playground is actually a sociopath or just didn't get enough hugs as a child.
Sometimes during disagreements you are tempted to 12(b)(6) the offending friend or family member.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between a conspirator and an accomplice.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between coffee and red bull.
You can't remember if you decided to come to law school because you wanted to help people and make a difference in the world or because you hate yourself.
You think whoever came up with the Socratic method should have his face lit on fire and then beaten out with a rake.
You can't think of any legitimate reason why a law student would need access to certain public records, but you can think of a whole lot of illegitimate ones.
After the first semester you realized that "briefing a case" need only consist of looking it up on Lexis or Westlaw.
You've given yourself carpal tunnel from all the spider solitaire you play in class.
When someone is expressing their frustration or anger about something that is in any way related to the law, you can't be sympathetic because you're too busy figuring out in your head if they have a cause of action.
You hear about the death of an elderly friend or relative and wonder if they died intestate.
You have considered changing career paths to hot dog vendor, stilt walker, or career alcoholic.
You're pretty sure the reasonable prudent man is a friendless tool who still lives with his mother.

Size XXXL here I come

My entire life I have spent trying to keep myself in shape, popping diet pills, watching endless episodes of thin and trying all sorts of gimmicks. And all that work was for nothing, because that's all over. Bikini season is around the corner and ladies we no longer have to count calories, and live off liquid diets. We can eat what we want, drink what we want, even indulge in deserts and fried foods without any concern. The new bathing suit of the season doesn't have strings and is not made of that flimsy material that doesn't cover or hide any part of that pizza you ate last night. Instead it hides all your assets and conceals cellulite and the new bathing suit will not care how much Chinese food you have eaten over the weekend. Check out http://www.wholesomewear.com/page-4.html, and get rid of your hydroxycut and stacker III, I know you all hide them in your handbag where no one can see them. Instead eat, drink and be fat!!

Hair today gone tomorrow

So tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day and no callbacks on the shot girl application. Wow, what a shot to a girl's self esteem. So to make myself feel better and boost my self image, I decide to splurge and go see Flor. She is my Brazilian waxist. We have not seen each other for awhile and I missed her and her me. As I walked into the salon, I realized she had a new haircut. I complemented her and she scolded me for not visiting for so long. Well, you will pay for it she says. Oh Jeez, I know I will. So after making small talk about the shade of brown she colored her hair and the new blow/cut she got, I spread my legs and here we go. I cringed every time she "taught" me a lesson for waiting longer than 4 weeks to see her, but I forced a smile and told her I thought her eyes looked nice with the new sweater she had on. After she told me to basically touch my nose to my knees, I ran out of things to tell her so we discussed Brazil and how beautiful the women are there and how this is a must for all that live there. After all is said and done, I walk out feeling like a new woman. I realize the pain is so worth it when I look down to view the lovely work she has done. Hitler's moustache is this week's choice and I am proud as I put on my clothes. So screw you bars that refused to hire me as a shot girl. Who needs you! I am beautiful and proud and whenever I need reassurance I will just rip out my hair follicles from the root of my sensitive skin to prove it - Yes, us women are weird.

Shot Girl

So, for the past few weeks I have been desperately trying to tighten my budget in order to save up for an apartment. Yep, you heard right in this world of real estate my goal is to own a second piece of property before I am 30. It is quite the feat but if it gets done, I might end up eating peanut butter sandwiches for the next 30 years. Because of this, I am watching my budget, cutting back on mani/pedis, wax, haircuts, etc. I still do the night out on the weekends, and the occasional shopping spree at whole foods but that is just because I think eating and drinking are necessities. In the hopes of making extra money, I have been surfing Craig's list for part time jobs. I am actually looking on how to make money fast because law student, a full time job, and kickboxing is enough to occupy every minute of the week. So after I passed on numerous postings with titles such as: "open minded ladies looking to make $1000 a week" and "Do you have pretty feet?". I finally came across an ad for a St. Paddy's shot girl. Brilliant, one night of wearing some skimpy green outfit where I have to deal with drunken men all night long while they drink body shots off me. Sounds like an easy $300-500 bucks. So I send in my response and it goes something like this: 28 yr old, law student, looking to make extra cash, no experience but am quick to learn, positive, persistent and energetic. I am 5'3", 120 lbs, brown hair, brown eyes and measurements, 36x27x34. So I lied about my age by a year because the idea of being almost 30 I thought would prevent me from getting the job, I am not sure about my measurements because I never put a ruler to my ass, but I am guessing it is 2 inches smaller than my breasts. I figured the waist by a pair of pants I am wearing and I scrapped 4 lbs off my weight - Ay what do they know, they won't put me on a scale will they?? I might have to take diuretics and run around the bar in a trash bag to loose the extra 4 lbs if they do. Or I hear there is this salon that wraps you up in foil and cooks you and you are guaranteed to loose 6 inches. Not sure how pleasant that would be, but hey whatever it takes.

Nip and tuck

I am not sure why the idea of plastic surgery has suddenly become my new obsession. It might be because I have tapped out of all furniture searches for small spaces. If I watch any more HGTV shows, I think the Midwestern is going to leave me. I am not sure what did it, but I guess it had something to do with Pimp my Bath playing in the background during a romantic interlude. So instead I have decided to look up ways that I can suck huge amounts of fat deposits from my body. I am very scared of pain, and I am sure that I would chicken out kind of like when you are waiting on line for the front row of the roller coaster and you end up slipping underneath the bar and run out before it is my turn. I can't imagine how I would sneak out of an operating room, maybe I can stuff some pillows underneath the white sheet and then sneak out through the back. The problem is how can I not get noticed with the hospital gown on and my bubble butt showing through the back. Maybe I can get a free ride back to Hoboken?

40 yr old virgin

I am walking down Wall street being passed by my morning breakfast of good looking men in 3 piece navy blue suits. And while I am passing the stock exchange, getting ready to enter my gold skyscraper that I call home from 9-5, I am bumped by a black and white furry bear. No, there was not a bear walking around the financial district. But instead there is a 40 yr old woman dressed in a hooded parka who just walked past me, with a blue backpack that has a stuffed panda bear attached to her zipper. I start to think that maybe I should not have skipped breakfast until I realized that this is the same woman that I heard in the copy room say “I am not allowed to sleep over a boys house.” No we do not support child labor. This is in fact a 40 yr old woman. I could hear my mother’s voice in my head say “I do not want you playing with that girl, she is very strange.” I was in the copy room one morning when I heard Goldilocks telling another co-worker that she told her parents she was sleeping over a co-workers house for the weekend so she could actually stay over her boyfriend’s house. Which sounds vaguely like an excuse I used 15 years ago. Apparently, she has been dating the same guy for years and lives at home with mom and dad AND they still think she is a virgin. Oh did I mention the Easter bunny was in the copy room too. I felt as if I am watching a scene from Pleasantville and any minute now I will see a shade of red. Or so I hope. I think my parents sort of gave up on me somewhere in my teens, when they realized that girls in my neighborhood were buying maternity clothes. I am not sure if it was the panda bear attached to her Jansport that gave this woman’s parents the idea that she is still a budding flower, but I could not fathom that people like that exist. I should have known when she showed up at work in pink UGGS.

Hi my name is Conchita!

Why is it that I open up my hotmail account to read a message that goes something like this...My name is Guadalupe. I found your email on that dating site.I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :(If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at___. No I am not revealing the email address just in case it is a legitimate e-mail and we establish a lesbian relationship. Where in the world does my e-mail pop up that these crazy websites find me? Was it that one time that I was curious what tea bagging was?! Could googling the velvet rope get my e-mail snatched by these dirty hackers? Damn, if I would have known it was that easy to get an offer of sex from a sexy Latin girl, I would have googled dirty porn long time ago, or just stayed at home with myself and Bugs.

My Hero

There was a time when action movies were entertaining and even though they were sometimes outrageous we could have fun living vicariously through Bond. Now, we are forced to deal with action heroes like Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, and the Rock. Each of these actors has had one good movie that gave them this title, but they have all slowly moved to more ridiculous characters. Which has caused me to loose all hope in the action hero of this generation. When Vin Diesel is changing diapers and fighting crime with a baby bottle in his hand, I begin to forget what attracted me to his lovely bald head. When the Rock is wearing a baby blue powder suit while fighting crime, I start to think what happened to the guy who could beat up five guys with a 2x4 and somehow still make a sweaty black BVD look good. Then we have the guy who used to be my favorite super star Jason Statham, a.k.a. Frank Martin, http://www.transportermovie.com/home.html. I seem to notice a baldness connection, which works out well in case the Midwestern ever looses his hair. So long as it is a good head, not egg shaped like Brad Pitt. Who thought he could look so bad http://www.tmz.com/2006/12/01/brad-gets-bald-in-big-easy. Okay back to "Frank", I was so excited when it was time to watch the sequel, I put on my favorite pajamas and grabbed the light microwave popcorn and pressed play with the same excitement that comes on Monday nights at 9p.m. to watch my man Jack. After the 1st hour into the movie, I was ready to turn it off. Jason had disappointed me with ridiculous stunts that made Spider man seem believable (another bald one). And what was going on with the blonde with anorexia and non waterproof mascara?? I think I threw my popcorn in the air after I saw him race the Audi 8 into the air and over the dock, flip it over while the hook of a crane catches a bomb. The bomb explodes, but his car somehow lands safely and the "Frank" is without a scratch. [Besides the fact that I know want an Audi]. I have given up! I am moving on to turtlenecks and Ron Burgundy. At least then I can look forward to the receding hair line.

Hard Knock Life for Us

It is ten below zero, the crowd is yelling at decibels way too high for my ears (perhaps my dog can hear it). I can't hear myself think and my fingers have frostbite. No, I was not watching the superbowl in Chicago, I was at Jay-Z's club 40/40 http://www.the4040club.com/

The ultimate hot spot for Superbowl everyone says. Yeah, maybe if your a polar bear with the salary of a Chicago Bear. This place not only broke my bank account, but I could not even speak to anyone at the table (Did I mention the hypothermia?). The plasmas were so loud, I thought my eardrums were going to come out of my head. I do not care who owns this place, but no one in the city of Manhattan should be able to charge $90 for mozzarella sticks. It is fried cheese! I was dining at Vong on Friday and spent less. Since when did Jean George get cheaper than Beyonce and Jay-z? And if I am dropping $180 to drink bud light and eat mozzarella sticks and wings, then why can't Jay-z afford to put some heat in this place? Maybe because he dropped $4 million to build this damn bar, he must have run out of cash before he was able to put the boiler in. The web site says "We tried to create a place that would be favorable to both men and women, and we think we have found it with the combination of sports and an upscale hip lounge." I don't know about you girls, but last time I checked fried twinkies and sliders were not my idea of an upscale lounge. I may need to have a talk with Beyonce. On a positive note, you can purchase a membership for $1,500 to gain unlimited access to the VIP room. Maybe they have heat there?

Size does matter

So just when I thought my insecurities about being short were unwarranted, I read an article on msn.com that states the taller you are the more money you will make. Now, if I didn't already have a million reasons why I should buy 5 inch stilettos, besides making my calves look phenomenal in skirts, and adding a little spice in the bedroom. Now I have to add the fact that it might allow me to make a 6 figure salary. God, will this ever end? I already think I have a problem, and have secretly admitted myself into shopaholics anonymous, and now I am forced to go out and buy all new shoes to ensure that my 5 foot 2 stature does not prevent me from succeeding in life. The amount of pressure that this puts on me and my Nordstrom card is quite stressful. I am not sure exactly how I will be able to overcome this. Perhaps through some serious psychological counseling and a couple shots of tequila. But I am weary about my possibilities of survival in this world when I am constantly trying to compete with: 5'10" women who make more money, therefore allowing them to afford better clothes, who then get taller men, who also make more money, thus allowing them to wear better clothes. Then they buy a fancy apartment and both of them make children who are tall, beautiful and rich (with nice clothes). Next thing you know, the happier, taller, richer people start taking over. Soon, you will see them everywhere, because they will be posted on billboards, advertising the new condos that I can't afford. K, when they beep you on the apocalypse don't forget to get me in the Saks shoe department.

Gingko anyone?

So I have diagnosed myself with ADD or I think the adult version is ADHD. I took a quiz on-line and yep I have it. I decided that this might be an issue when all within 1 hour I was on-line searching for apartments in Hobo, flights to Chicago, housewarming gifts on Macys.com. I get so obsessed and overwhelmed with the amount of things I want and need to do, and next thing you know I have 10 windows open and I wonder why my computer crashed. The apartment hunting is because I have this vision of being the next Trump and owning all of Hudson street, the flight is for another wedding (damn it! If one more person gets married I am becoming a lesbian), and the housewarming gift is for my newly divorced, father of a beautiful baby girl, friend of 10 years (wait that sounded weird). Oh, so I guess I should also have a toysrus.com window too! New father's housewarming party is the same night of K's birthday and it took so much trouble to get reservations at the TBA (Ha you thought I would spill it) that I am going to have to either miss it entirely, or show up fashionably late (as always). But not without a story on how wonderful the evening was - OOh I feel like I am competing with K's birthday surprise of Batali and Jean George all in one night. How can I compete?? But I will try. I don't know how being diagnosed with ADHD has anything to do with Batali, but alas here we are. Off to some more window shopping.