Stolen Lines #3

"There's something that I've been thinking about and wondering about and I'm very curious: am I the only one who knows?"

Well sort of me, I mean yes. No one really knows the extent of it. "It" you know that thing we don't like to discuss. Yeah, that "shhh" whisper it my debt. I mean I have close friends that have a guess or a clue or can probably add a law school tuition and some lavish shopping sprees but no one "really" knows. The true extent, the true number, the fact that the credit card bills alone are in the double digits. Only you know my little secret, or our little secret. You only know because we are married. I mean you have a right to know you married a shopaholic, or that I have a problem. The weird thing is I am great with money, and great with financing and great with budgeting. We paid for our wedding - in cash. I paid for my $40,000 car in full (and not late once). I bought two properties before I turned 30 yrs old and have over $600K in real estate. So then why can't I figure out how to stop swiping? I have to learn to not buy those Italian suits, or Stuart Weitzman shoes or the $300 dress for that one event. Why do I pay a small mortgage every month along with my other 2 mortgages. I guess I will never learn. How do I know? Because I am actually looking at villas in Spain as we speak. For now? NO, for later, for retirement, for 30+ years from now....and I might also get a new pair of shoes to go with it. So don't tell okay...It's our secret.

*I stole the first line of this post from Then We Came To The End, by Joshua Ferris

Why I don't have Kids

Every day I have to hear my co-worker tell me about all the cute things her kids does, and then I spent another 20 minutes looking at children books. Am I going to hell because I am not excited about pop up turtles? Now I am sitting here and the kid is sick something about a stomach ache. Ugh! A stomach ache is not the end of the world! I have stomachaches, headaches, legaches, backaches all the time. But I draw the line when we start talking about her bowel movements. The fact that I am even writing bowel grosses me out. Again this is why I do not have kids. Now she the mother has to take off half a day from work..For what? To what hug her and give her tea. Throw the kid a pepto bottle and a straw! I am tying my tubes.

I am a Girl!

Okay so I am back at work and well I am sort of in this interim stage. I am scared to pull out all the suits because well I ate way too many gold fish during bar study and I am worried the suits will show this. I also refuse to think I have hundreds of dollars in suits that I can't wear because my J-LO a!s can't fit into them, so instead I wait..... I have worn more "corporate" attire since I have returned to work, I mean why not?? They say "Act like you own it!" So I will, I may not know if I passed but sometimes if you believe it hard enough well maybe it will happen. So to begin my role as a new attorney, I pulled out my stilettos, bought a new lipstick called "Attitude", got my nails done (in nude again going with the corporate theme), and eyebrows threaded. So there are only 2 more things to add to the new attorney "look" a new phone and a new pair of eyeglasses. Since I am still not sure if I want a blackberry or the new Palm, I wait. As for the new glasses, I figured I would splurge a little (trying to avoid the "I got $200K worth of student loans look") Thus bringing me to my purchase yesterday pink Gucci eyeglasses! Yes pink, why? Because I am a girl. A girl/lawyer (to be). I asked Kim if clients would take me seriously she assured me they would respect me for my fashion sense. God I hope so because I just dropped $400 on these damn glasses. And even though cheaper than a seeing eye dog, I still think an investment. So now I wait, for the day I get the really cool attorney job where they send me on business trips so that I can buy the pink laptop clutch (Exhibit A picture above) from Hewlett Packard....Ooooh how cute would it be that it matches my glasses. Law firms beware....Legally brunette has arrived.

The Bar, The Bar and more bar

So I have not written a post since the bar exam. I will not go into gory details about the sweats, nightmares and the panic attack during the MBE. But you all would be proud to know that I did not get up during the attack. I figured if I was going to pass out and die doing 200 multiple choice questions then I might as well go down with a fight. At first I tried to down play the exam to people who asked "How was it?" What a stupid question! Um, again I rather stick a sharp object in my eye and move it up and down. (Okay I watch too many horror flicks). Now I just have my standard response "Yes, it was terrible but I am told that is normal and I did my best, so now I am just crossing my fingers" I already said this to myself but I know now that the bar exam is no indication of how smart you are or how good of a lawyer you will be. Instead it is a test of endurance (21 hours are you kidding me?), diligence (9 weeks of studying I might as well be pregnant), patience (why does it take 3 months to grade?), strength (I will try not to kill myself or anyone else around me). Yes, you have to know the law. You also have to know how to write that you know the law. You basically memorize 22-26 subjects, and even then you are fighting for 65%. Who really will ever need to know the Doctrine of Worthier Title???? And Heartbalm statutes - seriously? Anyway, I still find myself reciting law in Essay format (Under NY CPLR...) And so here I wait, I have 2 months of praying, hoping, etc. But all I can say is I could never have done this without my wonderful support system. Often, I feel my friends and family had more faith in me sometimes then I had in myself - Thank you. The bar exam was one of the hardest things I have had to deal with so far, and it caused numerous emotional and mental challenges. But you know the saying if it does not kill you.....well then something else will :)

Path Train Attorney

Today was the highlight of the 8 weeks of studying. I had just finished sitting through 9 hours of a bar/bri lecture covering everything from Wills to Domestic Relations. My head was about to explode, but I still managed to do 20 NY Multiple Choice Questions at the library. On my way home, as I was reciting the grounds for a divorce to myself, I took out my barbri book on the train. All of a sudden I see this weird looking guy staring at my book. I ignore it because a) people are weird, and b) it's NY so nothing ever shocks me, and c) well looking over a person's shoulder is pretty harmless...right? The guy was dressed with a cap and his clothes are kind of shabby, and I hear him say "Are you an attorney?" I answer "hopefully soon", and turn away and go about my business. (What is wrong with you, why did you answer him now you know he will talk to you the rest of the ride) He then proceeds to ask me if I need help answering the questions, and he could answer them for me. "What law do you want to know I can tell you" he says. ("Who the F**k are you the bar/bri fairy?) Instead I give a polite/sarcastic answer about how that won't help since "I" need to take the exam and "I" need to learn the law. He then begins to actually read one of my questions and tells me the answer is (A). (Okay SOB, wanna play?) I turn to the back of the book and low and behold it is (D)!! OH yeah, I proceed to point out how he is wrong!(I am so mature) But instead he becomes combative and tells me they are teaching wrong law and not real world and he should know.. Really? and how may I ask sir would you know that the NY board of examiners is wrong? "Because I am a paralegal!" Of course, By George I think he got it! (Someone obviously dropped this boy on his head when he was a kid.) "Sir I am sorry you feel the answer is wrong, but it is the black letter law, and if they say it is right then it is right (Why again am I still talking to this man?) "I am talking Federal law, not that law you just said" he exclaims. (huh? the other law? You mean black letter Assh&le!) He starts raising his voice "If you are going to believe that book and not check for the real answer then you will fail the bar!" and then he made some other meth induced comment about "Thank God for the Appeal process" (What did you say? I'm sorry I was distracted by all the brain cells jumping out of head... Okay that's it! I am going to jam my pencil in his eye!!) Instead I say "Well when you are an attorney then you can do whatever you want!" In a voice much louder than needed to be he asks "Is that book approved?" "Show me the cover!" (OMG! Is he kidding me? We are not in your imaginary world of paralegals are lawyers... Again why am I still talking to him? The guy is on crack) Somewhere between him telling me how he does maritime, family, criminal law, he knows the courts, he knows the law, and "you are reading legalese do you know what that means?"......A lady interrupted and asked the man to leave me alone and stop bothering me. "I have freedom of speech! and I was talking to himself." As soon as I grabbed my bar/bri book the side of the page brushed his arm, and he YELLS "Don't touch me that is Assault!" (I'll show you assault) Instead my stop finally arrived and I ran out of there as fast as I could. I was not sure if I wanted to know what firm he worked for so I can tell them they hired a psycho path that doesn't know the law from his ass (and he sniffs white out during lunch). Instead I ran to cvs to hide in case he was following me. I hate my life.

Not such a bad crowd

Here are just a few people who failed the bar the 1st time - not sure if I should be relieved or worried.....

MBE Simulated - You suck

It seems like only yesterday I was sitting in an Eyes Wide Shut party having an anxiety attack crying about the bar exam. Now here I am 14 days away and what do I have to show for it? I have dreams of circling words, I have nightmares of circling words, I recite rules to my friends, parents, and the Midwestern to every topic that comes up in conversation. I pray to Jehovah, Jesus, Allah, Dalai Lama whoever will listen and perhaps help a girl out the day of the bar. I have a bruise on my leg as big as Rhode Island from running to the simulated MBE, 5 extra lbs of soda, coffee and goldfish, and a pending lawsuit to the law school for negligence of mopping the floor right before an exam. Ahh, I hate my life. The Midwestern asked me today if I had a choice to do an extra year of law school or do what I am doing now and take the bar which would I chose. HMMM, all of a sudden an extra year of law school sounds like a Barney's sale to me. Well, I did learn some things this weekend. 1) People who chew peanuts during an exam deserve to be shot 2) People who crack their knuckles during an exam should get osteoporosis 3) People who tap their pencil on the table during an exam should have one jabbed in their eye for each time they tapped their fre**Kin pencil! Okay, now that I let that out...I will make a mental note for the actual test day. 1) Bring earplugs, 2) Don't forget my wallet at home, 3) Leave at least 3 hours in advance even if I live 20 min away, and 4) oh yeah bring diapers because like hell if I need to get up during the exam because I drank too much water. We are doing this the NASA way!

Wills, Trusts and Estate

Am I the only person who loves typing the afterborn? Ohh Bar/bri, after 2 days of Wills I am not sure why I sort of have this morbid interest toward it. You taught me "You cant screw your spouse when you die". Well, I really don't think anyone will be doing much screwing at all under 6 ft of dirt but I suppose that stupid saying works because I can't get it out of my head. We spent hours learning about dead people, not sure what I like more except maybe watching "Intervention" because then I can always tell myself at least I am not a crack whore.

Why its all going to be okay

Because we will always have nights at the Four Seasons. Yes, one of the many things that keep bitsandgiggles and I best of friends is that 1) we both love gossip (oh and gossip girl but that is recent) 2) we both are total type A personality (who else color tabs their flashcards and books 3 hotels for the bar 6 months in advance?? We do) 3) We both LOVE to eat out at really nice places. We are foodies! I said it. Don't judge just bathe in the envy. NY is a plethora of Michelin star restaurants and top chefs, why not? It doesn't matter that we will both always be a little broke because of it. Without Daniel, Bouley, Batali, Morimoto, Jean George, Keller, Ducasse, and more wonderful beautiful people who cook so well that my mouth waters just thinking about it. Not to mention, the people watching and the nights when we can pretend we are rich. It doesn't matter if neither of us had mink coats on Saturday, because we also do not have botox (not yet that is). I may not own a 2 bedroom on CPW or UES, but my dog wears burberry too and I have furry earmuffs and gloves to match the best of them. So whenever I think I am having a bad day or when I wish things would get better...I just remember there are still plenty of places left for kim and I to be glamorous even if only for one night.

Wait for me Kentucky!

I had a half ass meltdown the other day. We are 5 weeks....5 WEEKS away! And to me that is not enough time. A typical day for me is 4 hours of lecture, 30 min for lunch, 4 hours of reviewing and outlining my notes at the lovely NYPL, and then go home. I leave myself about 1 hour for dinner and by now it is probably 7 or 8 pm, so I then do either 1-2 essays and often 33 MBE too. Assuming it is not Monday and then I give myself 45 min for gossip girl (since I fast forward through the commercials). Now they started to assign MPT's so that is somehow going to have to be incorporated before 11:00 pm which is when I put an end to all of this madness and I watch one episode of Rome. Ahhh....then to sleep to begin the routine all over again. But weekends are harder for me, I sleep in and after a big breakfast (sometimes brunch) I start working on bar stuff. I am occasionally distracted with the dog, or the Midwestern or bad lifetime movies. So it may be a 12 hour day but choppy. Well this Saturday, I was given the proposition to have a study break and go do NY Restaurant Week (which I never miss) at Country. The same place where the Midwestern proposed for the 2nd time. So I hesitated and then said screw it. Threw on my burgundy velvet blazer, my rabbit fur earmuffs, and black BCBG stilettos and I was off! Except somehow my goal was to leave by midnight. So how did it become 2:00 am. I was so mad at myself and at the Midwestern because even though no one put a gun to my head I felt I had to hold someone responsible. Why didn't he say no to the last bourbon? Why didn't I say I had to go home after dinner? I thought about how in 5 hours I could have done 5 essays and I started counting down how many weeks, then days, then hours left until the bar. I think a cold sweat came over me at 2:45 am on the path train going home. I have decided something has to give. No, it won't be the Four Seasons this Saturday for bitsandgiggles birthday because I can never turn down an offer to wear my coat with the fur collar and a little black dress. But I do need to start saying no to the 3 am nights that include lots of bourbon. Don't people understand I need to do MBE's until my eyes bleed and write essays until my fingers fall off!! So in protest I spent 4 days straight in sweats, studying and I don't think more than one shower existed. Sorry to share that news with you, but Bar/bri gave us off for Martin Luther King and then for Obama and well I got lazy. I also did 4 essays and listened to 4 hours of property lecture and a MPT. I did still see 1 movie, 1 episode of Rome, Obama, and played with the dog. But there was no dinner at Country or drinking fancy martinis, so I somehow feel I have cleansed myself. God help me on Saturday.

To fellow Bar/bri students

This message goes out to the girl who sits in the live lecture room on the left side about 3 rows from the front with the tattoo on her back. Yes you! Why in the world do you insist on taking off your Uggs in class? But more importantly why do you insist on not wearing socks? Did someone once tell you that you have cute toes - well they lied! No one really wants to see your un pedicured feet while we are trying to concentrate on the Statute of Frauds. Also I am not sure if perhaps you are going through menopause at an early age too but keep your clothes on all over. I saw you take off your sweatshirt today and sit in class with your very large saggy boobs popping out of your tank top. You do realize it is winter? It is January!

Now this next message goes to the guy who was sitting behind me today. Do not think I did not see you take your shoes off too. I will thank you for keeping your socks on unlike stripper girl to the left of us, but nevertheless please try to keep your shoes on. I do not want to smell your feet and I do not want to see your feet (whether they have socks on or not). Contracts is hard enough without the two of you distracting me even more.

Thank you

Your not my Rock of Lust

Okay there is only one thing better than Rock of Love. No not a re-run of Flava of Love. It is Rock of Love Bus 3. Listen, after doing 60 MBE questions on a Friday night I have every right to watch trashy reality tv with a hairband rockstar who wears eyeliner.

P.S. Casting for Season 2 of Life of a bar student in 2 weeks

Question of the Day?

Why does the NY Public Library smell like baked bread?

Stolen Lines #1

"I tried to think of the right answer. Unable to think of that, I spoke anyway."
It was midnight or so on my wedding night, and she asked me if anything had changed. I said yes, I couldn't resist. The amount of champagne had taken over my rational conscious stream of thought and I blurted out what I really thought. People grow apart, it's okay that we are not as close as before. Our lives are different now, ad we just need to accept that. This was one of the most important days of my life and I needed you and you failed me. You dissapointed me and I did not feel that you were there when I needed you most. I will always love you, but this is for the best. The words may not have been exact since the alcohol still makes it all sort of fuzzy. Either way, it's been 6 months and we still have not spoken and I am okay with that. I occasionally have a thought of how she is doing but nothing that warrants a phone call. Sometimes if you cant think of the answer you need to speak anyway.

I stole the first two sentences from "Night of the Avenging Blowfish", by John Welter.

BAR/BRI

Well I have not had a chance to write in the blog yet about what I have had to endured since December 17th. Here is the update: I have listened to 67 hours of lectures, I have walked about 550 NYC blocks, I have completed 369 multiple choice questions, I have outlined 5 essays, I have carried about 80 lbs of books, I have spent 28 hours at the NYPL, and I have typed about 17,417 words of notes. The funny news is that I still have about 48 days left until the bar which makes me sick to my stomach. In the interim, here is a brief description of just some of the other crazy nutcase people taking the bar with me: A pregnant lady, a bride to be, a crazy russian lady who takes her seat very seriously, a girl who doesn't believe in shoes or SOCKS! A lot of ESL people, and best of all me - A cynic with a type A personality who has a slight case of ADD and likes reality shows, stilletos, and eating out. So explain to me why I just went to Office Depot to buy a posterboard so that I can draw a chart of the Bar/bri paced program, with a column for Qty of MBE questions, essays, with % scores. What's next a pie graph?

Last Law School Class

Soon this blog will be filled with endless posts of horror stories as I study for the bar, and excerpts of days which will be filled with crying, night sweats, and shots of vodka at 2 in the afternoon. But today it will be filled with the sad yet happy tale of completing my last law school class EVER. It is 11:30 p.m. which is a normal hour for me to be traveling home on a school night. I have spent the last 3 1/2 years for 4 days a week between 6:00 pm - 10:15 pm sitting in class listening to lectures, sometimes a break here or there to get bad coffee. I have searched many Internet sites, and put up with terrible (the nun) and wonderful professors (the nun). I have hated and loved my class mates, and also spent endless hours typing notes, outlines, and studying for finals for 2 weeks straight. I have lost sleep, gained weight, lost weight, eaten tons of junk food, starved, drank lots of coffee, showered, not showered, wore sweatpants for 10 days. The point is for those that have attended law school (especially the evening students) you all know what it is like to work a 40 hour work and sit in class for 16 hours, making an average week 70 to 80 hours if you include homework and finals. And even if you didn't work...Any law student can relate to hating their life, thinking of dropping out at least 10 times a day, hating finals, hating school, did I mention hating life. So what does this all get me? Well besides that I found my very first grey hair this year, and the fact that the idea of law school gives me a migraine. I now sit here after my last law school class and I am drinking a $10.00 bottle of champagne alone in my pajamas eating baked Cheetos while sitting in front of the TV watching Will and Grace. This is what law school has done to me. Somehow, as sad as that scene may sound it is the best feeling in the world. And I look forward to where I will be in 11 days when I have completed my last law school final. I expect I will be drinking a $20.00 bottle of champagne and probably still eating Cheetos in my pajamas watching Will and Grace, but at least I know in my heart that I accomplished 1 step of what is to come. There is still the bar exam, and then passing the bar, and then walking down the aisle for graduation, then getting sworn into the bar, and then the day when I sign Esq. for the very first time. There is still a lot more to overcome and a lot more to look forward to. I know one of my best friends has been down this path, and I still brag about how proud I am of her (yes you!), and I just hope someone will feel the same for me in 6 months. Because sh*t it is anticlimactic!

Thanskgiving Recap

So I spent 4 days eating tofurkey, drinking wine, and watching bad movies. For me this is the best way to celebrate thanksgiving at the in-laws. There was a visit to Vermont and some antique window shopping. Not to mention plenty of intense democratic rhetoric and republican bashing (thank god my dad is not here). Either way I managed to buy bitsandgiggles a gift from "out of town", and I ate lots of pie. Speaking of pie, I managed to pull off my very first cheesecake. And not just any cheesecake, but maple syrup WW approved cheesecake. It was a hit, or so everyone said it was in order to make me feel better. The pie also managed to get me into an argument with the Midwestern, because for some reason I felt that he rather drink beer with his friends then keep up with tradition and bake pie. I must have had way too much estrogen pumping through me that night, because normally I would jump at the opportunity to run around the house naked with a bottle of prosecco baking pie. Either way, that was the sum of the long weekend, and some how I squeezed in 2 hours of criminal procedure and played bongo drums (don't ask).

Thanksgiving

Considering I have had some pre-bar blues, I figured what better time for Thanksgiving. The one holiday when you reflect on all the things good in life and 4 days of eating and drinking. So here it goes: (in no particular order)
1) I am thankful for my mom and dad, they are always there for me and they have been my rock through everything good and bad. I love you guys!
2) I am thankful for my bro, even though I see you only when you do not have band practice, I have to beg you to go to college, and you rather spend your money on guitars than school tuition...I still love you. Your a good kid brother and please don't ever change.
3) I am thankful for the rest of my family (especially you grandmama!) you all love me very much and I am grateful for that.
4) I am thankful for my friends, there have been some which are no longer around and I am happy I have weeded out you guys. The friends that have stuck it out are true friends and I thank you for being wonderful.
5) I am thankful for bitsandgiggles, yes you get your own shout out! Thank you for being there for law school, a wedding, and now the bar exam. You are wonderful and I am lucky to have you around. Who else loves fine dining and being cynical more than we?
6) I am thankful for the midwestern, you have survived the 100 hour work weeks with me while seeing me at my worst: when I am hungry, tired, and with no make up. You have stuck it out through the terrible 3 years of law school, many travels around the world, my dog, living with me, dealing with my obsessive personality, my stilleto tastes compared to your granola lifestyle. You haven't smothered me with a pillow while I am sleeping yet, and you actually married this high maintenance woman. Kudos to you! And if you survive being my husband while I am studying for the bar, you have a free pass to heaven. Good luck!
7) I am thankful for my dog, you are always happy to see me when I come home, you never answer me back, you give me lots of kisses, and you keep me warm at night. You kept me company when it was just the two of us, and you are a loyal friend. Never leave me, and please stop barking in my ear. Love you!
8) I am thankful for my job, even with the new girl. Without you job, I would not be able to afford the nights out at Bouley or any other michelin star restaurant. So what if I can't pay the cable or the electricity with the salary you give me- those things are over rated.
9) I am thankful for the coffee cart guy, even when the weather is crummy you always make me smile because. You are always happy even though you have to sit in that cold cart all morning dealing with slimy stock brokers. You know exactly how I like my coffee and you always ask me how I am. Thank you.
10) I am thankful for you martini glass, you are the one who holds the one thing that makes a crappy day into a nice day. I don't know what I would do without you. (I will see you at 5pm)

It could be worse

Thanksgiving is around the corner, and so are finals and so is the bar exam and so is the last day of work as a paralegal (hopefully). My patience has run thin these past few days. Yesterday, I spent the day thinking about how to booby trap the door to my office to prevent the new girl from coming in. Then I snapped again today when she emailed me for the 200,000th time. I am sick and tired! I am tired of everything. I am tired of making copies, dealing with stupidity, studying for exams, the Socratic method, making small talk, the man in dunkin donuts who talks too loud on his cell phone, the stupid law student who let his friend cut the entire line at the cafeteria, the fact that there is nothing to eat at home but week old cheese, running out of veggie bacon, burning veggie bacon, the fact that cable sucks all the time, the fact that I pay $140 a month for cable to suck all the time, telemarketers, closet doors, the fact that I have no closet doors. I am just tired. I am counting the minutes until tomorrow when I get to leave work and enjoy a 4 day weekend and eat tofurkey with a bottle of red wine. I will not think of bar applications, or law school exams (okay I lied yes I will). But I will not dwell on how to prevent the snack shack guy from leaving, or how to make the new girl leave. I keep telling myself I am just in a slump, and it will all get better. Then I remind myself that "No instead it will get worse". Instead, I will break out into tears while doing practice questions, or run into the bathroom during Bar/bri class because I am confused about the law of perpetuities, or speed dial bitsandgiggles for some sanity after the simulated MBE. Oh, I have so much to look forward to.

New Girl

Dear New Girl at my job:
1) Stop wasting my time and asking me for my work. If you have nothing to do, not my problem. Stop trying to steal my billables.
2) Stop kissing a*s, it is not becoming of you.
3) Do not talk to me when I am eating lunch. If I have noodles hanging out of my mouth it is usually a tell tale sign I am busy.
4) I know you think we are friends, but you are mistaken.
5) Stop asking me how I am or how is school, because let's be honest you don't give a shit and neither do I.
6) Do not call me or email me or stop by my office 3 times in one day or I will have to suffocate you with your own turtleneck.
7) Do not poke around my office when I am not there, or I will have to chop off your fingers.
8) Stop acting like you have enough work to keep you there until 7 pm, we all know you are really surfing the net.
9) Stop coming in before 9 am. Our work day starts at 9:30 a.m., you are making everyone else look bad.
10) I would prefer if you don't acknowledge me at all it would just make the world a better place.