Thursday, November 01, 2007

We got it going on!


Instead of going to tax and bankruptcy on Tuesday night, I was jumping around dancing singing "Shot through the heart and your to blame..." You get the point. Jon, came to visit our humble city of Newark this week. Actually he is here for 10 days, to celebrate the grand opening of the new Prudential center. I will say the show was amazing as usual and it was even better that it was free. But what got me most was that I actually enjoyed the opening act. Big & Rich, this country band that apparently half the women over 40 in the audience knew the lyrics of. Scary that I can say I enjoyed it with them. Especially when they sang this song "I play chicken with the train" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0jvyyz4Bhc with a beautiful black cowboy named Troy. Well, I never knew they had them in Texas. So now that I cant stop singing "Go on kinfolk tell you mom and them,Chugg a lugga, Chugg a lugga, Chugg a lugga" OMG what is next, I will start voting Republican and I will think Bush is a genius. Help me God.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Orgy Happy Hour

Okay so I got your attention, well it was not quite an orgy, but somehow I missed out on a whole lot of action the other Friday night at happy hour. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the drunken idiots. The story goes as follows: Tom, Dick and Harry go out for drinks with their co-workers Paris, Lindsey, Britney and Kevin. After numerous beers later, Paris says to Lindsey "I have always wanted to know what it would feel like to kiss someone with a tongue ring." "Okay" says Lindsey. Next thing you know they are sharing spit. But the night progresses. Tom, Dick and Harry were shocked but definitely not disappointed. Soon after another beer, Britney and Kevin decide that there is just too much going on and they do not seem to be included. They begin to feel left out, after some cuddling and smooching themselves...Paris does not give up without tasting a little bit off each menu. She asks Britney for a "kiss", without further notice there is tongue wrestling. After a 10 minute make out session with Britney and Paris, Lindsey feels cheated but she just raises her eyebrow and makes no comment. Kevin did not know whether to slap his B""tch straight or just enjoy the view. Instead Tom, Dick and Harry make a solemn swear to not tell anyone at work..OOPS except me. Man, it is going to be weird on Monday morning when Paris has to go make copies.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Going postal on postal

It is 4:59 and I am staring at what looks like the worst rain storm ever is about to hit. At the same time, my mind is going a million miles a minute because we can not locate the deposit for my engagement ring. There is probably some man with a blue postal suit who has decided to run off to Vegas. On the other hand, I sit here with my ring finger looking so bare. You see we are having my ring custom made by a jewelry designer in Mass. and it takes 8 weeks to make. So we were waiting for the bank check so we could put down the deposit and then pay the full amount when completed. But now there will be some guy named Earl probably calling his live in girlfriend right now at the trailer and telling her to pack her bags because they are going to the Elvis chapel of love and he will probably buy her a white frou frou dress and some expensive buffet dinner - and all on my ring $. And the bank will not reissue the check for 30 days - Don't they understand my finger is lonely and needs the big fat diamond to keep it company. Damn US postal!!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Why doesn't this window open?

So the last month since labor day has been non stop at work, and I am ready to start trying to find a way of opening the damn window in my office. I am on the 50th floor but I figure by the time I reach 48 I will be dead. I love my job don't get me wrong, but there is so much to do and so little time. Not to mention that my cable is out at home so I have nothing to take my mind off work and school when I get home. Yeah, I forgot to pay my bill. But between the deposit on the photographer and the mimosas on Sunday - I figured the WE channel took a back burner. The wedding planning has taken a halt, as I finished all the major things. Is it weird I know the woman at the Ritz by first name? The remaining items might have to wait until after the semester. So long as that day I am not naked, there is someone to take pics of me not naked, there is booze, food and I am able to dance not naked - then I am all set. Oh and of course, my friends, because what else would I do without those late night texts that say "This train has really ugly people on it". So I am doing a focus group this week (yes I am that desperate for $), but I figure someone has to pay for those shoes. In this group, I have to film myself and my life. I never realized how funny it is to see from the outside. Once it is up on You tube I will let you guys know. God when is the cable going to get turned back on???

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Wedding Planner

So my new job has become wedding planner. Should anyone be in the need for some research or help in planning any future weddings. I know every venue in NYC and plate per person charge, I know every DJ from Manhattan to Long Island. I can tell you about every photographer in the book. Not to mention, I can also tell you about things not to waste money on like fancy save the date cards, or invitations, or church flowers (who cares what the pews look like), runners, cake toppers, flower petals, confetti, personalized napkins. All these things that were invented to make people like me spend more money. Since the engagement, I have found the dress, shoes, DJ, reception place, church, priest, hotel. There are still a million and eleven things to do and traditions I have opted to remove. Who in the world said all bridesmaid have to look like bobbsey twins? If you don't know who they are just wikipedia it. So I am not doing the macarena, or the electric slide (my DJ actually does not own it). There will be no girls at the altar, and no poofy pink bridesmaid dress. Not to mention, probably no bouquet throwing since I don't want a bouquet. Why so it can die in 1 day? I have learned that in order to not drop 25K on a wedding (which according to statistics is the medium), you need to be smart. But I am going to take all the extra money and put it where it belongs. For example: Liquor! Top shelf 5 hour, and food (people need to eat), and Music. You gotta dance, and good music does not come cheap. And of course location, location, location. So with all that said, I need to go back to my excel spreadsheet called W.day, and update it with the recent charitable contribution for the priest. Damn, even the Catholic church wants money. When did getting married become a business?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Back from S.A.


So I lets start with whats important.....I'M ENGAGED! Oh and I lost 5 lbs. I am not sure if I attribute it to Alli or to the 5 hours of hiking I did for 3 days or the white water rafting or the drinking tea and crackers for dinner for 10 days. Hmm, who would have thought exercise and eating less would work better than a pill. So yes, the engagement is official. It happened in the Ecuadorian Rain forest, wow! Could that get any more romantic. Not to mention it was in a lodge nestled in the trees overlooking the cloud forest, after drinking an entire bottle of cheap red wine and playing scrabble. I was exhausted from the 5 hour hike to the waterfalls and it was a perfect night to snuggle up and sit on my balcony in the rain forest drinking wine and playing German boardgames (oh I couldn't find the English scrabble). It was then that I heard the words "N, You are the one for me." "Will you marry me?" And a whole bunch of other very sweet romantic, tear jerking stuff that only people who are in love, engaged or newlyweds could appreciate. Or just any girl in general. So I will spare you all the story details, because you will probably hear it at my wedding when I say the speech of my two proposals. Yep, that is right. I get the honor of two proposals. I am not sure when the second one will be, but I am expecting down on one knee and all. Not sure if it can beat the rain forest, but I am sure it will be just as cool. The Midwestern had to ask my dad for my hand in Ecuador, so there were quite a few traditional steps he had to take before this became official. But if anyone knows me even a little, in my book I already have the date selected, colors picked, bridesmaid list, guest list, and instead of Google my homepage is http://www.theknot.com/. So it's official - Two proposals = two weddings. Clear your calendars!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

ALLI


I have officially decided to start the Alli diet plan. No I am not obese or overweight. But I have a trip to South America in 3 weeks. This trip will include loads of family members whom I have not seen in a year, I can't let them think shacking up with the Midwestern caused me to put on the pounds. It is bad enough a good Catholic girl is living in sin, they will probably tell each other that was God's punishment, little do they know it was the bag of cool ranch doritos every night. Also there might be a side trip to my native land Colombia, and I could not do my people justice if I showed up with a muffin top over my low rise jeans. Besides women from Cartegena are gorgeous and voluptuous, and so I need to make sure the Midwestern does not decided to run off with some hot mama. So Alli it is! I know you have probably all heard of the terrible side effects as did I, but since I am troubled with discussing anything dealing with the digestive system that will not be in my blog. I read the 500 page book that comes with the $60.00 bottle of pills. And it is simple, don't eat fat!! You are only allowed 15 grams of fat per meal and you are 3 meals a day plus snacks between 1200-1400 calories a day (which is normal I am told). Not bad, 15 grams is more than enough. That is unless you are scarfing down a Big Mac and in that case you do not want to take Alli. And other tips are avoid fried food, fast food, cheese, greasy food, eat a balanced diet consisting of fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean meats, etc.. So no Fettuccine Alfredo for me, but I do get to still eat all my favorite items like Tofu, Soy cheese, tofutti ice cream, veggie dogs, and fake chicken. I think this was made with me in mind. Before I know it I will be getting into my Nicole Richie outfit by next week.

My best friend's wedding

One of my best friends asked me to be her brides maid just the other day and I am elated! I have never been chosen to be a bridesmaid, except for the 5 days notice from my Ukrainian friend as she surprised me with a "I'm getting married in a week." She got engaged while in St. Petersburg on a vacation with her boyfriend. Damn these Russians act fast, well when you know what you want - why wait? That is unless your the Midwestern and in that case, just keep keep procrastinating for as long as possible. But as I played the bridesmaid role of helping her get ready, calming her down, telling her she looked beautiful and holding her dress so it would not scrape the streets of Brooklyn...Little did I know that I was training for the day when I would be asked to be a formal bridesmaid where I get to wear the same dress as four other girls, and get to attend a bridal party, bachelorette party and walk down the aisle with a groomsmen looking fab! (me that is) The following day, I called the one person I knew would be the expert in this field - bitsandgigles has attended enough weddings and been in enough wedding parties to be able to train me. Her reaction "SAY NO." I explained that I was a virgin at being a bridesmaid and I could not say no, besides I was flattered and excited. And so the journey begins. I have faith, in my dream world of bridesmaid heaven. I will get chosen to wear a sexy little black dress and not be made to put my hair up in one of those frou frou wedding do's. And then we will all go to Vegas and pole dance in a huge suite while we do shots and drink Ben and Jerry's Peanut butter ice cream. Oh wait that is my wedding!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Stop the Presses!



They are building a Tiffany's across the street from my job! Since, I will probably be 50 by the time the Midwestern proposes, I might have to start putting a down payment on the ring that I want. Which one girls??

Catch Up!

I have been out of touch because of the insane amount of reading, studying and writing that is part of law school exams. Every time exam period comes around, I pray and say "If I get through this I will never do this again." And so hence here we are another semester, another year. I survived 1st year barely, and asked God to keep me off probation and I will give him my first born. Now I am in second year, and the prayers have changed to let me get to 3rd year and he can have my second born. Since I don't foresee having too many kids, I might sacrifice the first again for graduation and maybe the second to pass the bar. We can double dip prayers right? So 2nd yr done, and summer school around the corner. Copyright ooh so exciting. My choices of class schedule has narrowed down to, who gives easy exams (take home..maybe), who doesn't take attendance and where can I get a B with little or no effort. If they pass one of the criteria, the class is sold. The problem is usually you end up with a 25 page take home. No that is not bitterness in my voice. Enough of school!
Another recent event that has given me suicidal thoughts..."I just closed on my apartment!!"
All 700 sq feet of it. If you are from the Midwest and reading this don't even bother making "GASP" noises, because I rather live in a cool hip city then drive to Walmart and the only food available are chain restaurants. Even though I do like Outback. So now I am broke, tired, and trying to pack all at the same time. I learned how to paint quickly since I don't have money to pay anyone to do it for me. I also am learning how to change bathroom fixtures, I would even mess with the lights but electricity and me don't mix. Is plastic a conductor? So back to reality. I will be eating mac n cheese and pbj's for awhile, and I will have to learn how to share closet space and try not to kill the Midwestern in such small quarters. But the upside no Jersey Jim knocking on my door on Halloween. Oh I can not wait to blast my radio the last night before I move at 1am. I hope I wake up both kids now!!!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

You might be in law School if??

You know all sorts of sneaky and creative ways to steal from clients thanks to your Professionalism and Ethics class.
You consider dropping out of law school approximately every hour, but after that first semester you realized you were already in too much debt to be anything other than a lawyer.
You aspire to one day own Blackacre.
Substance abuse becomes you.
The drama in your life now rivals that of high school.
You make adverse possession jokes.
You can name without hesitation at least three people who make you want to throw things when you see them raise their hands in class.
You think IRAC and CREAC are just code for saying the same thing over and over.
You are truly and deeply unnerved by the thought of some of your classmates becoming attorneys.
You think tequila shots are essential to ordered liberty.
You wonder if that one professor who always seems angry and irritable and treats students' minds as his personal playground is actually a sociopath or just didn't get enough hugs as a child.
Sometimes during disagreements you are tempted to 12(b)(6) the offending friend or family member.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between a conspirator and an accomplice.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between coffee and red bull.
You can't remember if you decided to come to law school because you wanted to help people and make a difference in the world or because you hate yourself.
You think whoever came up with the Socratic method should have his face lit on fire and then beaten out with a rake.
You can't think of any legitimate reason why a law student would need access to certain public records, but you can think of a whole lot of illegitimate ones.
After the first semester you realized that "briefing a case" need only consist of looking it up on Lexis or Westlaw.
You've given yourself carpal tunnel from all the spider solitaire you play in class.
When someone is expressing their frustration or anger about something that is in any way related to the law, you can't be sympathetic because you're too busy figuring out in your head if they have a cause of action.
You hear about the death of an elderly friend or relative and wonder if they died intestate.
You have considered changing career paths to hot dog vendor, stilt walker, or career alcoholic.
You're pretty sure the reasonable prudent man is a friendless tool who still lives with his mother.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Size XXXL here I come










My entire life I have spent trying to keep myself in shape, popping diet pills, watching endless episodes of thin and trying all sorts of gimmicks. And all that work was for nothing, because that's all over. Bikini season is around the corner and ladies we no longer have to count calories, and live off liquid diets. We can eat what we want, drink what we want, even indulge in deserts and fried foods without any concern. The new bathing suit of the season doesn't have strings and is not made of that flimsy material that doesn't cover or hide any part of that pizza you ate last night. Instead it hides all your assets and conceals cellulite and the new bathing suit will not care how much Chinese food you have eaten over the weekend. Check out http://www.wholesomewear.com/page-4.html, and get rid of your hydroxycut and stacker III, I know you all hide them in your handbag where no one can see them. Instead eat, drink and be fat!!

Friday, March 16, 2007

Hair today gone tomorrow

So tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day and no callbacks on the shot girl application. Wow, what a shot to a girl's self esteem. So to make myself feel better and boost my self image, I decide to splurge and go see Flor. She is my Brazilian waxist. We have not seen each other for awhile and I missed her and her me. As I walked into the salon, I realized she had a new haircut. I complemented her and she scolded me for not visiting for so long. Well, you will pay for it she says. Oh Jeez, I know I will. So after making small talk about the shade of brown she colored her hair and the new blow/cut she got, I spread my legs and here we go. I cringed every time she "taught" me a lesson for waiting longer than 4 weeks to see her, but I forced a smile and told her I thought her eyes looked nice with the new sweater she had on. After she told me to basically touch my nose to my knees, I ran out of things to tell her so we discussed Brazil and how beautiful the women are there and how this is a must for all that live there. After all is said and done, I walk out feeling like a new woman. I realize the pain is so worth it when I look down to view the lovely work she has done. Hitler's moustache is this week's choice and I am proud as I put on my clothes. So screw you bars that refused to hire me as a shot girl. Who needs you! I am beautiful and proud and whenever I need reassurance I will just rip out my hair follicles from the root of my sensitive skin to prove it - Yes, us women are weird.

Shot Girl


So, for the past few weeks I have been desperately trying to tighten my budget in order to save up for an apartment. Yep, you heard right in this world of real estate my goal is to own a second piece of property before I am 30. It is quite the feat but if it gets done, I might end up eating peanut butter sandwiches for the next 30 years. Because of this, I am watching my budget, cutting back on mani/pedis, wax, haircuts, etc. I still do the night out on the weekends, and the occasional shopping spree at whole foods but that is just because I think eating and drinking are necessities. In the hopes of making extra money, I have been surfing Craig's list for part time jobs. I am actually looking on how to make money fast because law student, a full time job, and kickboxing is enough to occupy every minute of the week. So after I passed on numerous postings with titles such as: "open minded ladies looking to make $1000 a week" and "Do you have pretty feet?". I finally came across an ad for a St. Paddy's shot girl. Brilliant, one night of wearing some skimpy green outfit where I have to deal with drunken men all night long while they drink body shots off me. Sounds like an easy $300-500 bucks. So I send in my response and it goes something like this: 28 yr old, law student, looking to make extra cash, no experience but am quick to learn, positive, persistent and energetic. I am 5'3", 120 lbs, brown hair, brown eyes and measurements, 36x27x34. So I lied about my age by a year because the idea of being almost 30 I thought would prevent me from getting the job, I am not sure about my measurements because I never put a ruler to my ass, but I am guessing it is 2 inches smaller than my breasts. I figured the waist by a pair of pants I am wearing and I scrapped 4 lbs off my weight - Ay what do they know, they won't put me on a scale will they?? I might have to take diuretics and run around the bar in a trash bag to loose the extra 4 lbs if they do. Or I hear there is this salon that wraps you up in foil and cooks you and you are guaranteed to loose 6 inches. Not sure how pleasant that would be, but hey whatever it takes.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Nip and tuck




I am not sure why the idea of plastic surgery has suddenly become my new obsession. It might be because I have tapped out of all furniture searches for small spaces. If I watch any more HGTV shows, I think the Midwestern is going to leave me. I am not sure what did it, but I guess it had something to do with Pimp my Bath playing in the background during a romantic interlude. So instead I have decided to look up ways that I can suck huge amounts of fat deposits from my body. I am very scared of pain, and I am sure that I would chicken out kind of like when you are waiting on line for the front row of the roller coaster and you end up slipping underneath the bar and run out before it is my turn. I can't imagine how I would sneak out of an operating room, maybe I can stuff some pillows underneath the white sheet and then sneak out through the back. The problem is how can I not get noticed with the hospital gown on and my bubble butt showing through the back. Maybe I can get a free ride back to Hoboken?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

40 yr old virgin


I am walking down Wall street being passed by my morning breakfast of good looking men in 3 piece navy blue suits. And while I am passing the stock exchange, getting ready to enter my gold skyscraper that I call home from 9-5, I am bumped by a black and white furry bear. No, there was not a bear walking around the financial district. But instead there is a 40 yr old woman dressed in a hooded parka who just walked past me, with a blue backpack that has a stuffed panda bear attached to her zipper. I start to think that maybe I should not have skipped breakfast until I realized that this is the same woman that I heard in the copy room say “I am not allowed to sleep over a boys house.” No we do not support child labor. This is in fact a 40 yr old woman. I could hear my mother’s voice in my head say “I do not want you playing with that girl, she is very strange.” I was in the copy room one morning when I heard Goldilocks telling another co-worker that she told her parents she was sleeping over a co-workers house for the weekend so she could actually stay over her boyfriend’s house. Which sounds vaguely like an excuse I used 15 years ago. Apparently, she has been dating the same guy for years and lives at home with mom and dad AND they still think she is a virgin. Oh did I mention the Easter bunny was in the copy room too. I felt as if I am watching a scene from Pleasantville and any minute now I will see a shade of red. Or so I hope. I think my parents sort of gave up on me somewhere in my teens, when they realized that girls in my neighborhood were buying maternity clothes. I am not sure if it was the panda bear attached to her Jansport that gave this woman’s parents the idea that she is still a budding flower, but I could not fathom that people like that exist. I should have known when she showed up at work in pink UGGS.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Hi my name is Conchita!



Why is it that I open up my hotmail account to read a message that goes something like this...My name is Guadalupe. I found your email on that dating site.I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :(If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at___. No I am not revealing the email address just in case it is a legitimate e-mail and we establish a lesbian relationship. Where in the world does my e-mail pop up that these crazy websites find me? Was it that one time that I was curious what tea bagging was?! Could googling the velvet rope get my e-mail snatched by these dirty hackers? Damn, if I would have known it was that easy to get an offer of sex from a sexy Latin girl, I would have googled dirty porn long time ago, or just stayed at home with myself and Bugs.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

My Hero


There was a time when action movies were entertaining and even though they were sometimes outrageous we could have fun living vicariously through Bond. Now, we are forced to deal with action heroes like Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, and the Rock. Each of these actors has had one good movie that gave them this title, but they have all slowly moved to more ridiculous characters. Which has caused me to loose all hope in the action hero of this generation. When Vin Diesel is changing diapers and fighting crime with a baby bottle in his hand, I begin to forget what attracted me to his lovely bald head. When the Rock is wearing a baby blue powder suit while fighting crime, I start to think what happened to the guy who could beat up five guys with a 2x4 and somehow still make a sweaty black BVD look good. Then we have the guy who used to be my favorite super star Jason Statham, a.k.a. Frank Martin, http://www.transportermovie.com/home.html. I seem to notice a baldness connection, which works out well in case the Midwestern ever looses his hair. So long as it is a good head, not egg shaped like Brad Pitt. Who thought he could look so bad http://www.tmz.com/2006/12/01/brad-gets-bald-in-big-easy. Okay back to "Frank", I was so excited when it was time to watch the sequel, I put on my favorite pajamas and grabbed the light microwave popcorn and pressed play with the same excitement that comes on Monday nights at 9p.m. to watch my man Jack. After the 1st hour into the movie, I was ready to turn it off. Jason had disappointed me with ridiculous stunts that made Spider man seem believable (another bald one). And what was going on with the blonde with anorexia and non waterproof mascara?? I think I threw my popcorn in the air after I saw him race the Audi 8 into the air and over the dock, flip it over while the hook of a crane catches a bomb. The bomb explodes, but his car somehow lands safely and the "Frank" is without a scratch. [Besides the fact that I know want an Audi]. I have given up! I am moving on to turtlenecks and Ron Burgundy. At least then I can look forward to the receding hair line.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Hard Knock Life for Us


It is ten below zero, the crowd is yelling at decibels way too high for my ears (perhaps my dog can hear it). I can't hear myself think and my fingers have frostbite. No, I was not watching the superbowl in Chicago, I was at Jay-Z's club 40/40 http://www.the4040club.com/

The ultimate hot spot for Superbowl everyone says. Yeah, maybe if your a polar bear with the salary of a Chicago Bear. This place not only broke my bank account, but I could not even speak to anyone at the table (Did I mention the hypothermia?). The plasmas were so loud, I thought my eardrums were going to come out of my head. I do not care who owns this place, but no one in the city of Manhattan should be able to charge $90 for mozzarella sticks. It is fried cheese! I was dining at Vong on Friday and spent less. Since when did Jean George get cheaper than Beyonce and Jay-z? And if I am dropping $180 to drink bud light and eat mozzarella sticks and wings, then why can't Jay-z afford to put some heat in this place? Maybe because he dropped $4 million to build this damn bar, he must have run out of cash before he was able to put the boiler in. The web site says "We tried to create a place that would be favorable to both men and women, and we think we have found it with the combination of sports and an upscale hip lounge." I don't know about you girls, but last time I checked fried twinkies and sliders were not my idea of an upscale lounge. I may need to have a talk with Beyonce. On a positive note, you can purchase a membership for $1,500 to gain unlimited access to the VIP room. Maybe they have heat there?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Size does matter



So just when I thought my insecurities about being short were unwarranted, I read an article on msn.com that states the taller you are the more money you will make. Now, if I didn't already have a million reasons why I should buy 5 inch stilettos, besides making my calves look phenomenal in skirts, and adding a little spice in the bedroom. Now I have to add the fact that it might allow me to make a 6 figure salary. God, will this ever end? I already think I have a problem, and have secretly admitted myself into shopaholics anonymous, and now I am forced to go out and buy all new shoes to ensure that my 5 foot 2 stature does not prevent me from succeeding in life. The amount of pressure that this puts on me and my Nordstrom card is quite stressful. I am not sure exactly how I will be able to overcome this. Perhaps through some serious psychological counseling and a couple shots of tequila. But I am weary about my possibilities of survival in this world when I am constantly trying to compete with: 5'10" women who make more money, therefore allowing them to afford better clothes, who then get taller men, who also make more money, thus allowing them to wear better clothes. Then they buy a fancy apartment and both of them make children who are tall, beautiful and rich (with nice clothes). Next thing you know, the happier, taller, richer people start taking over. Soon, you will see them everywhere, because they will be posted on billboards, advertising the new condos that I can't afford. K, when they beep you on the apocalypse don't forget to get me in the Saks shoe department.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Gingko anyone?

So I have diagnosed myself with ADD or I think the adult version is ADHD. I took a quiz on-line and yep I have it. I decided that this might be an issue when all within 1 hour I was on-line searching for apartments in Hobo, flights to Chicago, housewarming gifts on Macys.com. I get so obsessed and overwhelmed with the amount of things I want and need to do, and next thing you know I have 10 windows open and I wonder why my computer crashed. The apartment hunting is because I have this vision of being the next Trump and owning all of Hudson street, the flight is for another wedding (damn it! If one more person gets married I am becoming a lesbian), and the housewarming gift is for my newly divorced, father of a beautiful baby girl, friend of 10 years (wait that sounded weird). Oh, so I guess I should also have a toysrus.com window too! New father's housewarming party is the same night of K's birthday and it took so much trouble to get reservations at the TBA (Ha you thought I would spill it) that I am going to have to either miss it entirely, or show up fashionably late (as always). But not without a story on how wonderful the evening was - OOh I feel like I am competing with K's birthday surprise of Batali and Jean George all in one night. How can I compete?? But I will try. I don't know how being diagnosed with ADHD has anything to do with Batali, but alas here we are. Off to some more window shopping.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Look dead bird flying!


I am not sure what we have done to piss off the powers to be, but the headlines on the news has caused me to wonder. On Saturday, people are walking around Hobo in tank tops and shorts; there are dead birds in Austin; barn owls are dying in droves in southern Idaho; and today there is a weird odor in NY. Could it have something to do with Wielgus collaborating with the Polish communist?

Monday, January 08, 2007

Bling Bling

I don’t know when I decided to stop being shallow…But I am sure it was somewhere between realizing my rich suga' daddy was really someone else’s daddy and having my 2 carat diamond ring stolen by some guy named Pinchingo. I guess I woke up one morning and realized: 1) I had no diamonds 2) who knows when I will ever see that many carats again (chicken soup perhaps), 3) I no longer had a fat ugly bf with deep pockets. In this epiphany came the notion: Why should women get diamond engagement rings? There are kids killing each other and people dying for these stones, just so I could wear it on my hand and show it off at Del Posto. So instead I thought I would be different, I would get a non-diamond engagement ring. Brilliant! Everyone would ask me and I would tell my good heart felt story (which everyone knows I love so much) and it would be different, and people would think me so kind. That was until Leonardo Di Caprio ruined it for me. The movie “Blood diamond” has started this exact trend. And as much as I am glad that a blockbuster movie may have put an awareness to the blood baths in Africa, it also stole my idea! Now what? So I am in search of new ideas. K has suggested an engagement necklace, I am opting more for an engagement piercing, but it has to be in a place where I can show it to the parents. Or tattoo rings – Miami ink here I come! Or maybe I can find some rare stone that can only be mined in Uzbekistan or Nepal and then I can have a Sherpa help bring down my engagement stone from the mountain. Could make for quite the story? Or I could just go back to the traditional idea of a big fat diamond rock which costs about three months salary…Hmm, who needs to save the world anyway. Too bad because I really would have liked to have Ami with a needle to my calf while I rubbed his head for good luck. .

Friday, January 05, 2007

Happy New Year

It has officially been about one year since I have posted in my blog, and my new years resolution is to make a diligent effort to keep this blog up to date. Where did 2006 leave me? I am still struggling in law school, but I have officially hit the hump! I am half way to paying $1000/month in student loans. Oh, the things to look forward to. I figure it will resemble my life now, eating at Bouley while putting off my cable bill for 2 months. Who needs Lifetime anyway? This past year was a difficult semester, as I had a nervous breakdown after having a 4 hour exam on hearsay. All of a sudden easements and covenants sounded exciting to me. Without fail, spring semester starts in a week, and I am excited (I always was a masochist) to jump right back in to giving up my social life again, eating anything in microwavable form, walking around in slippers and sweats for weeks at a time, and listening to Podcasts of lectures instead of the latest song on Jack FM. Aside from school, my social life has improved in 2006. No psycho bf, or crazy Russians. Still going strong with the Midwestern (except now employed and sharing the same time zone). So, even though the rent on the new crib in Hobo is the GDP of a 3rd world country, we are pretty happy with the new living situation. In conclusion, the new year has brought me more disposable income, more debt, escrow issues (don't ask), and cutting down on Spike's daycare to twice a week. How else am I going to save money for the trip to Barcelona on spring break? Ahh, the more things change the more they stay the same.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Let them eat cake

One of the exercises that we were asked to do in Criminal Law class is to come up with "a story" for the defendant we represent. Now this exercise can be quite fun, yet disturbing at the same time. Especially when you are blaming drunkeness on beating a grandmother to death, or a seizure being the reason the defendant ran over his cheating wife. or my favorite was the lawyer that constructed the "story" of the husband who threw his wife overboard on their honeymoon because she ate too much cake. Remind me to stay away from the lemon meringue.

Battle of the Bulge

Any who has known me even for a fraction of my life, knows that I have always been thin. I am not saying this to brag, I have a fast metabolism and I was always small as a child and teenager too. But the days of eating bags of cheez doodles and powdered donuts are over. Since May of last year I have somehow managed to put on 16 lbs. Now I am a whopping 5 feet 2 inches, and regardless of the 5 inch heels I am a short girl. You see, 16 lbs on me makes me look a little bit like Daniel Baldwin. Yep that bad guys! Luckily, the LIL has not noticed and even if he has, he still tells me I look beautiful. AHH, love is blind. But when I tried to put on those tight little courderoy hip huggers the other day, and I could not get them past my J-lo on steroids ass I realized I was done. It was time to make a change. But what did I do wrong? Was it the changing of jobs? Changing of BF's? Was it the late night meals, or the new chef in the house? Finally, I narrowed it down to the Cappucino muffins, and the Freshman 15. So after many weekends hiding in sweats and having sex in the dark, until that black Friday when my dad told me I was putting on the pounds. Okay goodbye muffins! I decided about a month ago to do what I never thought I would be doing - Dieting. And don't get me wrong nothing wrong with it, except that there are so maby fad diets out there that it has become a craze. One day it is the eat all fat, grease, fries, steak and eggs, and loose weight diet, the following week it is eat only raw foods, then no white foods, etc... When it came for me to join the fat wagon, I decided on good ole fashion diet...WW. I don't have to spell it out, those that are on it know exactly who I am talking about. The LIL doesn't know I am a member, but I am sure my internet history doesn't lie. Especially, when everything that pops up is points, smartones, and I just dropped $50 on Lean cuisine. So here I am - 8 lbs lighter and counting. My goal was to drop 3 more lbs by the time I go to Puerto Rico, which is tomorrow. Which means unless I purge or take tons of horsetail, it aint going to happen. But I am okay with that, I am still throwing the bikini on and will be walking down San Juan with my head up high. Because the one advantage to sun bathing in Latin countries is that latin men love a good size booty and thighs. Thank god for my people! If not for the love of the curves, every Hispanic would be forced to look like Kate Moss. But since the men all want your ass to look like a mix between Beyonce and Scarlett Johansen - I am all set for the weekend. And the good news is that the Lean Cusine's have not burned me out yet, but I have become overly obsessive (like I do with most things). It is a sad day when I am counting 21 cheetos on my plate.

Baby Come Back

Well it has been way too many months since I have posted anything of any relevance, not including the angry letter to the editor that I was so very proud of. Well let’s cut to the chase and do a briefing on what’s been going on since the last entry. In October, the Midwestern came back (a.k.a. BF). After two weeks of heavenly bliss, and endless days of not getting out of bed, all that patience finally resulted in permanent residence. The BF abroad has graduated to Live in Lover. Quite a feat considering that he was first the friend, (after a messy break up with Hitler and a rebound with the Russian) then the friend with benefits, then the commitment phobic BF, then the somewhat serious but leaving for sabbatical BF, and finally the BF abroad. (Long distance sucks in case anyone has not figured that out by now). Go back through the Archives if you missed any episodes. The one advantage to having the BF abroad were the lavish exotic places I visited for our romantic rendezvous. (And of course the shower in the jungle). After a transitional and very exciting 10 months, I think we have developed into quite the couple. Even though we were pretty head over heels over each other for most of it, it was just a matter of getting him to stay still (read Taxi entry). I would even be bold enough to say we have become the envy of most, so perhaps that is why I have avoided writing in the blog. Because no one who has any brain cells wants to hear all the lovey dovey details of someone else’s relationship. It is almost as bad as putting a picture of the two of you on your cell phone (okay yes I have one of those too - I can’t help it). What’s next? His face as my MSN messenger icon? Damn it, too late! (Just kidding Kim) Lets be honest, the exciting blog entries are those that contain ugly fights, hidden wives, suga daddy’s, and restraining orders. Ahh memories…So since for once in my life I don’t have any cheating boyfriends, jealous lovers, or saggy ass booty calls, I figured I would take a break from the blog writing. Until I was out the other night, and I realized there is still plenty to discuss besides googly eyes. So I am back and hopefully with a vengeance. Stay tuned “battle of the bulge”.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Memoirs of a Geisha

In response to the article "Real Estate In Ecuador Beachfront And Mountains" ~ By Jorge Loor Zambrano. This article gives a brief description of purchasing property in Ecuador that was for the most part accurate; however, what disturbed me most was the last paragraph. Mr. Zambrano wrote "And why not mention about those Men that are looking for good wife (Ecuadorian women are similar to geishas...they take very good care of their husbands)... This is a great place to find dedicated women."
Not only does this comment by Mr. Zambrano paint him, and your magazine by association, as endorsers of sweeping gender and racial stereotypes, it is inaccurate. It may be true that members of powerful, wealthy nations like the United States have historically gone to economically challenged areas--within the United States or beyond its borders--with the hope that they may use their money to lure women to become servile wives. That this is a practice that obviously attempts to objectify, if not dehumanize women is not my concern in this letter. My concern is that your magazine fully endorses, recommends, and thereby celebrates viewing women in this light, more specifically Ecuadorian women, making the claim that "Ecuadorian women are similar to geishas."
A geisha is defined as "a Japanese woman trained to entertain men with conversation and singing and dancing." Even though strictly speaking Geisha does not mean prostitute, the word “geisha” contains connotations of prostitution. There has been much confusion regarding this inaccurate depiction in Western popular culture, specifically in the United States. Hence, the comments by Mr. Zambrano are insulting to the women of Ecuador, more so to women in general. A woman’s character should not be judged solely by her ability on being a “good wife”, especially when the standard that is being used is based on the act of obedience, submissiveness, or sexual favors.
In order to remove the ignorance associated with this comment, I would like to give you an example of what is truly an Ecuadorian woman:
In 1944 a woman named Dolores Cacuango founded the Ecuadorian Federation of Indians (FEI) and led Indigenous forces in an attack on the local army barracks in Cayambe. In Quito, white feminists including Nela MartĂ­nez and Luisa GĂ³mez de la Torre who had founded the Ecuadorian Feminist Alliance (AFE) helped organize a human enclosure around the Government Palace in Quito and gained the surrender of the men stationed there. Without the support of the military, Arroyo resigned the presidency. Contemporary reports indicated that the women's committees played an important role in the large street demonstrations which accompanied this major change in government.
According to a recent report by the International Institute for Democracy and Electoral Assistance, 7% of the local governments are women, and in 1999 15% of the Ecuadorian Congress were women. In 2000, a total of 24.8 % of women were represented in politics. In order to increase woman participation in politics in Ecuador, a quota was established. Ecuador has a 20% quota law that requires women's participation as candidates in legislative elections. In Latin America, Ecuador was the first to recognize women's political rights, in 1929.
Yes, Ecuador is a great place to find a dedicated woman. An example of what kind of woman can be found in Ecuador would be someone like Angiolina "Angie" Wiskocil. Angiolina Wiskocil, is an Ecuadorian woman who is the Senior Vice President of Network Services of SBC Communications Inc. She is an Ecuadorian woman who is responsible for network operations strategy and staff support, capital program management, and network regulatory support, and has headed the SBC/Yahoo strategic alliance, been vice president for Network Engineering West, and served on California's United Task Force to bridge the "Digital Divide." She also has represented SBC Communications in the national women's group Leadership America in the United States.
But let us not forget to mention, that Ecuador for a brief period of time, had a woman president. For a couple of days, Vice President Rosali'a Arteaga, initially backed by the military, and Fabia'n Alarco'n, head of Congress, jockeyed for the post of president. While taking time out of her role as a “geisha”, she has also been a central figure in the affairs of Ecuador for many years. RosalĂ­a Arteaga Serrano was vice president in 1996-97 and served briefly as the country’s president during a constitutional crisis in February 1997. Before that she held a number of important government positions, such as minister of education, culture, and sports; president of the National Council of Development; and several other prominent posts in the Ministry of Education and Culture and other areas. She was also a councilwoman in her native city of Cuenca in 1986-88. Today, as secretary-general of the Brazil-based Amazon Cooperation Treaty Organization, she plays a major role in helping to restore the Amazon region and rescue it from the threat of environmental disaster. She works at high levels with the governments of all the countries in the region. A journalist and a lawyer, Ms. Arteaga has written several books and publishes articles and columns regularly in newspapers, magazines, and journals.
Other woman whom have played a major role in Ecuador include, but are not limited to: Cynthia Vitery, deputy of the Christian Social Party, possible candidate for presidency, Nina Pacari the first Indigineous woman to be elected to vice president of the Ecuador’s National Assembly, and deputy of the Pachakutic party, possible candidate for the presidency, Ximena Bohorquez, Congresswoman and the first lady of Ecuador.
As written by Doris Solis Carrion, the first female vice mayor of the city of Cuenca; “Ecuador [Cuenca] is giving its full support to women's empowerment and to the realization of their rights and aspirations. By doing so, it is building a more democratic society which can serve as an example for other regions…"
Not only was the comment by Mr. Zambrano a racial and gender stereotype, it is also untrue. Ecuador has historically led the way in Latin America in the area of women's rights and civil liberties.

Natalie E. Flores


References
Mujeres y poder politico en Latino America, International IDEA, 2002, Mala N. Htun

Women in power: from tokenism to critical mass., Foreign Policy, Jaquette, Jane S.,; Fall 1997, n108, p23(15)
The Politics of Exclusion, Ecuador's Glorious May Revolution of 1944 , Assistant Professor of History, Truman State University, Marc Becker
The 50 Most Important Hispanics in Technology & Business: Pushing to the Top in American Industry, Hispanic Engineer
http://www.guide2womenleaders.com/Candidates_Vice2000.htm
The political participation of Indigenous woman in the Ecuadorian Congress, Nina Pacari
Creating Laws to Combat Violence Against Women, Doris Solis Carrion

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego

So it has been way too long since I updated the blog and with good reason, the BF has landed and I have not been able to come up for air. School has been kicking my a*S and I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. All I can hope is that the final grade will show for all the hard work I have been through. The return of the BF was anything but easy. I spent three days on the phone with a ghetto South American airline threating to call the US embassy for losing a plane of 150 passengers. It looks like in order to avoid some showers in Costa Rica, some honor student at this airline decided to land the plane in a disaster zone where 250 just died from a hurricane. I spent hours on the phone trying to figure out when the plane was being removed from hurricane alley and onto safe ground in NYC. No one was able to tell me anything, every hour, they told me they landed in another country - from Honduras to Nicaragua, but never did they mention where the passengers really were which was El Salvador. So after four days of traveling from Buenos Aires to NYC, I am sure my BF was glad to be home. He told me stories of earthquakes and queens from Japan, but for the most part his adventure to El Salvador was unproductive. And I was glad that I did not have drive to JFK again just to be turned back to Jersey at 2 am in the morning. Damn the things we do for sex. A lot has changed since the return of my don quixote. The living arrangement is now a permanent one. I know there was a period of time when we both thought that it was temporary, but as my previous blogs have explained about the economics of the tri state area...People move in with each other faster here than out west because of the exuberant amount of money you pay in rent. Not to mention the six rounds of sex on a Sunday afternoon. The past month has been seamless, and I can not lie and say that the new roomate is putting a cramp in my style. Because the truth of the matter is, there is nothing but good things to say about the way things are going. You hear all the horror stories of snoring, toilet seats that stay up, fights, and toothpaste on the sink. I was scared too, because the last time someone tried to live with me, I ended up almost pulling my hair out. This time I have someone else to pull my hair. Ahh the joys of moving in together.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Daylight come and me want go home.....

I was going to write a blog entry about the crazy person who was screaming on the subway platform of the 2 train about the different body parts that she wanted to chop up and throw in the river and how not one person on the train flinched an inch, but instead I decided to update everyone on last night's event (trust me it is worth the update). Yesterday was spent visiting the parents and checking out their new apt. They are in the process of moving into a bigger place, backyard, fireplace, etc. But I do not envy them moving. I forgot how much I hated it, until I went to visit and saw 10 million paige boxes all over what is supposed to be the living room, I then spent a couple of hours buying the BF a gift, and then realized that I can not mail it to Buenos Aires because a) it might not make it in time and b) it might be stolen. So I guess I will hold onto it for the next couple of weeks or if times get tough sell it on eBay. My aunt had called and canceled on me around 7, and so I was going to my friend bday party around 10pm. Instead the evening went as follows: In the middle of reading a case about a 77 year old man who fell down the stairs when there was a blackout failure from Con Edison...Does Con Edison owe him a duty? And if answered affirmatively then Con Edison is negligent. Anyway, I get a phone call from my aunt telling me "Is it too late to get you to meet me and your uncle? It was 8:15 at this point. "No, not too late give me about 30 minutes." I knew that was impossible, but I got dressed to impress (best jewelry and shoes) and went on my way. I got to 61st between Madison and park around 9:20pm (gotta love any area near Barneys) to a place called Geisha (right next to Serafina) and am escorted into a private elevator to a second floor (closed off) area. How come I am not surprised? I get there and my uncle gets up and greats me, and there are about 20 people in the room. I greet my aunt, my uncle's fiancee and my baby cousin. So, now my mind is wondering. Okay was this a surprise dinner that my uncle did not know about? And that is why I am just walking in when everyone is eating. Apparently my lovely uncle and his fiancee share a birthday a day apart and they planned this dinner party for themselves. So they knew where, when and how for quite sometime. They booked this place for a private four course dinner, open bar for the evening. Somehow I manage to slip off the radar on the invitation list and my aunt told me my uncle felt so bad because he overbooked, but once he saw that there was room he called me asap. First off my uncle did not call..My aunt did (she is the one who tries to keep the peace) and second off how can you overbook without your niece on the invitation list. But your two other nieces are on the list?...HMM., well it looks like my other niece (college girl) couldn't come which makes me believe I got her seat. So I decide, I am going to be the better person. Do it for your aunt and your baby cousin. Smile and just deal with it. You already know your uncle is a selfish materialistic jerk. So I order lobster, shrimp for appetizer, and as many wines, and martinis I can. Hey, big shot hosts can afford it! So, the night continued with my uncle introducing me to all his friends as his oldest niece who he is soo proud of because I am in law school and studying international relations/law, blah blah. You'd would think he was my agent. Then he brings me over to meet one of his best friends, who is none other than Kathleen Turner. Yep, you heard me. He's been best friends with her for 7 years. She takes a liking to me and tells me if I ever need international connections, just say the word. Then off to meet his other friend, Harry Belafonte's son and his girlfriend. I do the rounds, and smile and be the good networker that I am. By the end, I had bonded with a real estate mogul connection, a Hollywood actress, and the son of a legendary performer/actor/activist..."Day-O!". We then left Geisha around midnight (which I will say I loved and will def go back) One thing about my uncle that I do give him credit for is we always like the same type of places. Then we went back to his fiancee's restaurant which is the famous DB&D. Oh and she thought to show me her 4 karat engagement ring numerous times - I will say it is gorgeous and the green in me did come out a little. Then my uncle turned to me and said "oh you've never been here right?", because the place is hard to get into. I turned to him and said "yes I have I just didn't need to call you to get a reservation." HA! How was that? The truth is I had been there. You know me and restaurants, I like to check out what is the best and the one that is usually the talk of the town I will go to at least once. Well I had been there with a friend of mine over a year ago, and I didn't need to call my uncle to get "in" like he thought. So the night then ended with a grey goose martini and a walk back to my car parked on central park. He thanked me for coming, and I thanked him for "inviting" me. I know the next time I see my uncle will be at his famous shin dig wedding in CT, when I will make sure to go and make my honorable presence. I will def be the belle of the ball that night. Ahh yes the niece no one ever sees :)) Isn't she darling? Is that couture she is wearing? Afterwards, I called punk rock and met her at Manitoba's on avenue B. What a change of atmosphere. Tell me why is it, I actually know where 7th and A is now? We ended up seeing this rock band perform (yeah you could just imagine how I was dressed with jewelry that cost more than the entire wadrobe of the band) and I just wished I could have went in the bathroom and changed into jeans, tank top and flip flops. The rock band was not bad, they reminded me a little bit of poison,. Big hair, 80's rock band. Here is their website: http://www.thetowersoflondon.com/
When you go to the website - go to the music link and listen to a clip of their music so you get an idea of what I was listening to for an hour. My favorite song is "on a noose" and "f*ck it up" (ha!) I got nervous when he threw liquor in the crowd and then jumped off stage and rushed through the crowd to climb on the bar and grab the soda sprayer. I turned to punk rock and said "oh Jesus", she said "You are wearing silk I suggest you duck." So I did, and avoided getting drenched or spit on. After stepping over broken beer bottles and cigarette butts, we left. I love this girl and her boyfriend is awesome, but times like last night I wonder why I don't just carry around some wifebeaters in my car. I also wish nights like last night the BF was around so at least I would have someone to shake my head with. I got the big hair to do it, I am just missing the tight white jeans. Oh god! Okay well I was home by 4am, and now I am studying and reading about a guy who left his friend for dead in the backseat of his car. Is he negligent? I was thinking more like an idiot, but that's just my guess. Back to the books.! Until next celebrity sightings.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

So I Married an Axe Murderer

Someone once told me "You think a lot about marriage don't you? The matter at hand is not that I think a lot about marriage, but instead I am skeptical about whether there can be fidelity in the union of marriage. I am constantly presented with situations that make me wonder if everyone in this world has slowly forgotten what the words "I take you to be my faithful partner from this day forward" mean. Guys, there is no expiration date or clause that allows you to change your mind because it happens to be Wednesday. I will explain. I was waiting on line to pay for my sushi the other day when this man came up to me and told me that I was beautiful. He asked me to join him for dinner or a movie. I politely replied "I am sorry, I am seeing someone." He turned to me and answered "That's okay, I am married, the question is "are you happy?" If you all know me, even though I wanted to say other words that probably would have gotten my mouth washed out with soap. Instead, I opted for a simple response "Yes, I am". Why is it that men feel that there are always excuses or reasons why it is okay to engage in adulterous affairs? As we all have, I have also been through my share of my heartbreak. However, I have had more than just the average "It's not you, it's me" break ups. In my case, I am usually confronted with the not so traditional "Oops, didn't I mention the wife?" Yes, of course you did. Because those are facts that I can so easily forget. Hmm, brown hair, blue eyes, wife, ahh yes how could I be so silly? Men love to come up with the reasons why it excuses their behavior (a) My wife and I do not sleep together (b) We have an understanding (c) I don't love her anymore. No sex, lets you sleep with other women, and no emotional attachment..Sounds like a gay room mate to me. So based on my series of bad experiences and choices in men. I have made a list of top ten warning signs that the man of your dreams is really not the man he claims to be. Don't always trust the tan line on the ring finger ladies, take notes: (1) The only telephone numbers you have are his work and his cell phone (trust me his secretary knows who you are - you might even be cafeteria conversation) (2) He is always going away on weekend trips which you are not invited to (This is called going home) 3) He is working on all major holidays (It is 10 pm on valentines day, do you know where your boyfriend is?) 4) He has been with you for four years and he is just not ready to move in yet (not commitment phobic, already committed) 5) His cell phone always manages to be turned off at night (wouldn't want to wake her) 6) He constantly buys things for his nieces, nephews or his sister (guess whose kids those are?) 7) He confuses stories (i.e., He calls your cousin Rob, and you don't have a cousin Rob) 8) You always manage to end up back at your place (Yes, he does have a room mate her name is Mrs....) 9) He tells you his parents live in another country or are dead (unless there are no airports in this country, or you do not see a tombstone - dump him) And last but not least 10) If he seems to good to be true - HE IS! So no, I am not always thinking of marriage, but instead I am always thinking of when my time comes to walk down that aisle to make sure I have a strong prenup and a chainsaw in the garage. You can never be too careful.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

East Meets West

"Which way is west?" Those were the words that came out of my mouth on Friday night at 2:45 am while standing on Avenue B and 3rd street. The man with the long bangs and tattoos pointed straight ahead, and I began my journey. I walked past a bunch of grungy bars, and past a desolate park and began wondering how far until I see something familiar. I wanted to take a cab but there were none to be found. Instead a couple of hippies sleeping on the stoop of the stairs of an apartment building, and a bunch of bikers across the street was the only thing visible. After many blocks of painful walking, damn these 5 inch heels! I see the light...Like a mirage , the sign appears: "Soho Billiards". I am home! I managed to walk to Soho and I felt all of a sudden a sense of relief. I got my bearings and I was no longer walking while checking over my shoulder every five minutes. So many may be asking..How did I arrive in this land? What made me pass over into the east? The story is as such. The night began with a rendition of a sixty minute "Romeo and Juliet" by my very talented Asian BF. After 13 weeks of training, the show exemplified the hard work. The night then progressed into tapas and Sangria over to the east, where I drank and talked till late with great friends. The dinner party consisted of prn from school, my gun fighting Virginian, and of course my good looking writer friend from L.I. I suppose the night could have ended in disaster since no one knew each other but they all had a connection either through me or the actor. However, we all found ourselves getting along great discussing bad slap stick comedies, 80's classics, and the waiter who stole a 30% tip. The night almost ended after a tearful walk through Tompkins square park where my LI writer tried ever so valiantly to shower me with eye drops only so that we can be stared out by a couple walking down the street. We were not sure if they were going to run to my rescue because they thought that the writer was an abusive boyfriend who just stuck a bottle in my eye and was yelling at me to stay still while he made me cry even more. I managed to clean out the make up from my eye and regained my composure to walk across the alphabet again. I met up with Punk's friends and we ended up at this dive bar with graffiti on the bathroom walls and drunk bartenders. Nevertheless, as always I had a great time in a place that was not one I would call my own. I know the offer to stay in the west village was there by the writer, and maybe if it was two years ago I might have thought it as an easy way of getting a quickie and then getting out of it by blaming it on the alcohol. However, those days are over and the only thing I could think of that night was how I need to finish law school so I can get my own place in NYC or move in with a guy so that I can split the rent, whichever comes first. Either way, I was stuck again walking past crack heads at 3:30 am in the morning, and sitting next to a drunk worrying that I will fall asleep and miss my stop (or drool on the drunk next to me). Good thing that at this time next Friday, the only worries I will have will be whether the BF and I will be arrested and thrown into an Ecuadorian jail for disturbing the peace, and how to explain that to Dad when he bails us out. The saga continues.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Rain Man

"You have a lot of hair." I slowly lift my head to see a strange looking man sitting next to me on the 2 train. "It is nice and soft." I make a fake smile and pretend to read the advertisements in the car. Am I shedding? How does he know I have soft hair? Perhaps he touched it while I dozed off in between stops. Note to self: wash hair when I get home. "How did you get so much hair?" I look up to see if he is touching my head and when I realize he is not. I notice that he is staring at me kind of like a dog at the kitchen table. "You look happy?" I give him a blank stare and nod like a doll. Maybe he will think I don't speak English. "How did you get to be so happy? Are you always this happy?" I am thinking "Happy??!! Buddy, I am freaked out and praying that you and I do not get off on the same stop. Are we there yet?" And then I hear it like a sign from God "42nd street". The train conductor to the rescue. I get up and what do you know, so does Paul Mitchell. I slowly begin to see if I can get lost in the crowd, and I manage to escape. I have lived in NY long enough to know there are strange people out there, but I have a feeling that my radar is picking up more than usual this past week. Trust me I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Almost Famous

Here is my first official celebrity photo. Don't worry I will not forget about the little people.
http://www.paulfrank.com/photomat/gallery.cfm?event_id=2
(now the trick is to find me :)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Every Breath You Take, Every Move You Make..

I remember sitting in my legal research & writing class last semester trying to write a persuasive memo on stalking and harassment. It is one year later, and I am sitting here still looking up the same cases. However this time not for class..for me. You see somehow throughout my life, I have managed to attract many psychopaths without realizing it. The last BF (Hitler) was always a little odd, but I never would have put the label "crazy" on him. Until now. If you ask me the same question today, the first words that would come to mind would be: order of protection. Recently, as you all know I have had some run-ins with the communist party, which have been anything but pretty. Nevertheless, nothing has happened yet that would move me to start shopping for a stun gun. Not so true anymore. After three phone calls, and five emails asking for money ($200), I am now filing a police report (and the stun gun is on back order). I should have done this when I got the second 5 page email. I may not have graduated law school, but I've watched enough Judge Judy to know it is harassment, stalking, and extortion all in one (okay maybe extortion is a little exaggerated). I am not sure how I got myself into this mess, but it must have been that damn magnet again (here psycho, psycho, psycho..) So off I go to file my first police report, in hopes that I can begin to celebrate the collapse of the Soviet Union. I think Pat Robertson may have a solution for this one.

Faster than the speed of light.

School has started and I realize that whenever that occurs everything in my life slowly starts to resemble a final exam question. As I was speeding down McCarter Highway this morning trying to make the early bird special at the parking lot near the train I take to work..I thought. What happens if I run over someone or get in an accident? The hypothetical would go as such: Plaintiff would sue for damages for personal injury and negligence. Myself, the defendant, would argue that my employer should be held liable because I was within the scope of my employment. In order to make it on time to work, I was forced to speed which caused the accident. And the parking lot would be held contributory liable for the accident, because but for the early bird special, I would not have been speeding to make it there by 8 am, and would not have caused the accident. In the end, I made it to work and I got my $5 discount on parking, all at the same time while studying for torts. Amazing. The morning only got more exciting as I was trying to get through the turnstiles that were made for people who have eating disorders. Then to my surprise I was sexually assaulted by none other than the turnstile himself. As my skirt lifted up to reveal much more than I wanted to show the man behind me. I pulled it down, and ran off into the train, knowing that the man was thinking "good thing it is not granny panty day".

Monday, August 22, 2005

Link to Hamptons and other crazy events

Here is the link of photos of my crazy new friends and our adventures in the Hamptons amongst other places.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46297459@N00/

Saturday, August 20, 2005

I just called to say I hate you

The little yellow envelope on the cell phone is showing one unread message. Strange? I didn't hear the phone ring. And good thing, because low and behold the Czar is back in town. The message went something like this "I have been thinking over the past couple of weeks." Funny, because the only thing I was doing these past couple of weeks was planning an escape route and changing my locks. Where is that sledgehammer? The message continues "I realize I have a little more to tell you in addition to the last email" A little more to tell me!? Is a twenty page email insulting me and calling me a whore (in sophisticated terms) as well as a cheat and a liar not enough. Did I mention selfish and cruel? Yeah, because I thought the same thing when he asked for money back from one of our outings. That's like asking for a refund on a flight you already took because you didn't like where it landed. Personally, I like to think of it as an investment in a company that just went public, and all of a sudden the market takes a nose dive, you just got to write it off. Besides, they always say never to play the foreign market, too risky. So, perhaps there is something he forgot. What was I thinking? I must call and get the remainder of my insults because I would not be complete without them. WTF! This man has balls the size of his ego. Lesson learned, never be friends with a man who is mean to wait staff. Never be friends with someone who thinks money is an adjective used to describe their personality, and most importantly never be friends with someone who offers to be your knight in shining armor and steals your license (just a theory) Because in the end they are all just cursed frogs!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Coming to America

What is the true definition of a one night stand? You see many, many years ago before a quarter of my life was over, I decided to splurge in the realm of such (in a strange and foreign land). The rendezvous became a wonderful memory in my scrapbook and my belt, and also became a string of emails and short visits for years to come. The one night was never repeated but the communication was always there. My Brit and I shared stories of our long term relationships for a good part of the last five years. Last year when Hitler and I broke up, he also broke up with his busty beauty of three, and we both offered each other a consoling shoulder to sweat on, but it never happened. So why am I surprised that he has decided to put NYC as part of his frequent flyer destinations. I notified him of the new beau (not so new anymore), and even though disappointed, he still insisted on a trip down memory lane. I believe the trip to S.A. will be a great way to remind myself why I should not play with fire. As if I have not learned from the Czar that when men do not get to ride the tan horse they become extremely angry. Considering that I do not have time to take out another restraining order, I have opted to turn down the BBC. I am going to stick with my good ole American hippy, and just hope that this is the last time that an ocean separates me and my fix. The next time I see the Midwestern it better be in the US of A, or I am blocking this border baby.

Leaving Las Vegas

It has been two weeks since I have been back from Costa Rica and I am already planning my next trip. It looks like Labor Day will be spent flying out to see the BF in South America. It better be more than just sex that provokes me to take a 6 hour flight to another continent for the weekend, otherwise I lost a brain cell somewhere in the Hamptons. In general, that weekend in LI is still vague to me, however I remember there was some nakedness in a pool and I managed to test out the abilities of my tonsils. The exercise involved tequila and a hot tub, which has now been posted on another blog (which belongs to one of the hipsters that joined us) http://gregtheboyfriend.blogspot.com. I always thought that if a picture of me ended up on the net, somehow I would be receiving royalties for it, but instead it is free for all to see. Good thing I managed to keep the top on for this one. Actually, the partying has tired me out somewhat. Maybe I am getting old? When is being hung over for three days straight not fun anymore?? I think the recurring nightmares of my liver holding me in a headlock threatening to kill me might be what did it for me. So this weekend I practiced being a home body. I cleaned things other than empty liquor bottles, I ate meals that were not cold and in a box, and I actually changed clothes and showered..alone. Friday is almost here and I can not say that it will not consist of another stage dance at "punks" favorite bar on Avenue A. If I have anything to do with it, I will be home before my carriage turns into a pumpkin, or at least before my face turns the color of pumpkin whichever comes first.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Out with the old and in with the new

I have spent the morning thinking of all these little topics I wanted to tackle in my blog. For example, do you know that turtles have sex for four hours a day for five months straight during mating season? I think I want to be reincarnated as a turtle. Also, are tattoos at 27 a bad thing? Will my skin get all saggy and wrinkled? And will the butterfly look more like Elmer Fudd? I also think I am becoming a hypocrite, which is not a good trait to have. The new room mate was never fully explained in my last blog entry so here it goes... I no longer have the option of running around naked in my apartment due to a kind gesture of letting a friend stay at my place for two weeks. Then two weeks became four, because she did not find an apartment and I needed a dog sitter. It managed to work out I suppose, until I come back and now she is staying another two weeks. My math was never good but I know that two and four make way too many weeks in my house for free. And if you all know me, I can not live with anyone. I am a loner, and I like my space. I did not spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to share my toothpaste. The living situation has been amicable because she is my friend, and I am never home. I managed to get some cash from her, but don't fall off your chair I am actually not interested in the money. (Trust me guys that might be the only time you hear that line come out of my mouth). So instead of becoming a hypocrite, and acting like I am enjoying not being able to do cardio strip tease with the music blaring. I am putting my foot down. So that is the room mate story. This weekend I will be taking off to the Hamptons again for a house party with my punk rock friend (office mate from work) and all her punk rock crew. I am so excited, considering that I am so out of my element. Hanging out with her has given me a truer appreciation for my liver, and the east village. Not to mention that I have spent the past few days researching a woman's level of tolerance for pain (so that I may join in the rankings of tattooed law students). If I was in high school now, I can just hear the voice of my parents "she is a bad influence". But being 12 years older and wiser, being a "bad influence" is my new requirements for friends. As we get older we slowly start to retract to our younger years in a good way. It has come to the point where drinking until my face green, enjoying topless moments on a bar stool or blacking out and waking up with pizza on my chest laying in an overflowed bath tub is almost appealing. Punk rock has told me these are just a few of the little moments to look forward to. I am thinking the rest probably can not be published.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Cold War

I'm baaaaack!!!!! It has been a long month, and I have lots to say. I apologize to my friends that rely on this blog as an update to my zanny and crazy life. After the last entry, lots has occurred. Let's start with the basics...Previous entries in this blog have touched on the topic of men and women being friends. And the consensus was that the possibility of that is almost as good as the possibility of peace in the middle east. However, the last few weeks have brought on another challenge in my life. My BF was still traveling through the unbearable heat of Mexico, when the Czar made clear his not so innocent intentions. He tried to offer the noble attempt of "waiting for me" in case things between me and the BF don't work out. (please refer back to previous blog entries for further detail) What a terrible offer! Oh, I hope your relationship fails so that I can pick up the pieces of your broken heart. Nevertheless, I remained faithful and never promised any hope of a relationship. After many weekdays and weekends together (i.e., Hamptons, Cape Cod), he still pursued like a hunter during deer season. As difficult as temptation was, especially when the courting and the compliments were so over the top. At one point, I thought I would drown in the stuff. I kept repeating the fact that there is a BF in the picture, so no way he is getting anything but a friendly smile and a handshake. I am an avid believer of the golden rule and the last thing I need is bad karma. Not to mention I would not like the BF hooking up with anyone from the Eastern bloc either (or any block), so no dice buddy. On one last final offer, he says "Go to Costa Rica, my child and come back with a decision." So like a prophet from the bible , I was sent on my journey to become wiser, and hopefully come back changed (or at least in my mind). Since when did my life turn into Days of our lives? So off we go to Costa Rica, and into the arms of my wonderful BF. Just a small note on the country of monkeys, volcanoes, and green pastures. Costa Rica is amazing (and I am not just saying that because I was there romancing the stone). I highly recommended it as a vacation hot spot for everyone. After 500 pictures, 17 days of off road driving, beautiful green lush landscapes, wonderful food (seafood, yum), friendly people, monkeys, dolphins, turtles having sex, dark tans, surfers, close calls with the police, and long sessions of uninterrupted intimacy (and sex)..Well, I am back. Wiser? Yes. The last few days back have been spent dealing with housekeeping issues such as: new room mate, school registration, loans, and a pissed off Volvo. After much mental exhaustion, I had to tackle one last task. Getting rid of the non-adulterous relationship with my friend the Czar. After a long, difficult and angry conversation behind the iron curtain, I have lost one more friend. (bitterness showed his ugly face). So there you have it. The past few weeks resulted in being reunited with the long lost BF (just tanner), a romantic vacation, a wiser me, days of hiking in the jungle, close encounters with jaguars and cops, a new room mate, a lost license (there is a conspiracy theory behind that one), a semi broken volvo, and last but not least - one less friend in my life.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Bam Bam

Well the last few days has been everything but unproductive. I spent Tuesday night at Benihana with a friend from high school and somehow after "shrimp in hat tricks" ended up at the peninsula Hotel rooftop bar. This place is not only beautiful and overlooking fifth avenue, but it is also filled with people who don't leave home without their gold amex and it doesn't matter that the drinks start at $20 a pop. I think this is the only place in NY where the well vodka is Grey Goose. So after a couple of hours of schmoozing with attorneys, I decide to invite my Czar friend to meet me for a drink. Never did I think it would turn into a night of screaming on 5th at 2am. The Czar became a sloppy drunk and yelled at the bartender for bringing him Johnny Walker Black instead of Blue. I thought people usually get into arguments about paying less for a drink not more ? ? ? Regardless, I was so embarrassed and the attorneys and my Investment Banker almost had a brawl in their Italian made suits. What a night! The week only got better. Thursday night I got invited to a private party at BED. The concept of 10-12 drunk people on a bed partying it up is brilliant. The man who conjured it up is a genius. After way to many free vodka martinis (open bar is sooo dangerous) I somehow ended up on a bed with Don Vito and some of the other crew from Viva la Bam. http://www.mtv.com/onair/dyn/viva_la_bam/series.jhtml) By the way for any one who has seen the show, yes Don Vito is as disgusting as he is on tv (and fat). So after many tit grabbing attempts (some successful) to evey woman on the bed, we went to the bathroom. When we return to bed, a large man with platinum blonde hair, a goatee, bandana, and a tank top is standing next to me. Who is this man in blue? Except the one and only Hulk Hogan. Talk about lame celebrity sighting another sudo famous celebrity has joined the group..Hulk Hogan, Brooke Hogan, and I think Linda too (after the second trashy platinum blonde, you loose track) http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/Hogan_knows_best/91209/episode_characters.jhtml
The night ended with me in the East Village. WTF! Luckily, a bunch of drunk dials to the Czar resulted in a car service rescue before I ended going home with some movie producer from Cannes. When I wake up from this really bad reality show, someone let me know.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

In a nutshell...

I am so behind on updating everyone on the events of my life, so I am going to try to sum it up in one blog entry. Pull up some popcorn and a chair please. The Greek has left the island of Manhattan on July 5th. I spend the night before at the Cafeteria in Chelsea eating Mac and cheese and saying my good-byes. This is the second time I have said farewell over Mac and cheese at this place, the first was with the BF. My favorite dish has become a staple of bitterness and sad moments. The airport drop off was more stressful then it was sad. Of course my best friend has a habit of always being late. Mark my words there is going to be a gorgeous Greek running down the aisle in Hong Kong screaming "Wait don't hold the wedding without me!" Anyway, so as you probably already guessed she took her time getting to the airport for her flight that morning. Most airlines ask for a two-three hour in advance for check in to international flights..NO! Try one hour before flying. How does she do it? So after speeding down NJ Turnpike (which if anyone knows me, was more like 60MPH). We made it and she jumped out and was off. I miss her so much, but I am already planning my New Years in Hong Kong. In the past three weeks, I have been keeping busy at the gym, Bruce Lee here I come. The remainder of my time has been spent doing dinner, movies, drinks with friends old and new. The new friend is the Star Wars bartendar from my favorite locale in the Greenwich Village on my last blog entry. As per some previous blogs, I have questioned in the past whether men and women can be friends. The problem is I think they can but the guys always seem to screw it up by wanting to screw me. However, I have proven with my new established friendship that it is indeed possible. I have made it very clear that I have a BF yet we have exchanged many late nights together, movies and even a crashing at my place...And all VERY platonic (seperate bedrooms of course) So I am proud of myself. Then just when I thought the experiment was over. I come across a friend of the Greek last week, and we spent the night sharing French cuisine and enjoying our platonic conversation. Just when I am ready to add this man to the rest of my safe male friends. (But no worries, because no one is better then my Asian BF or my Virginian gun fighter-you know who you are :) All of a sudden, my bubble was busted. I was on my best behavior (no comments from the peanut gallery please), when the Russian banker decided to profess his undying love to me (okay I am exaggerating). But he did make it quite clear that if the BF decides to run off with some hot Mexican or just decides to screw up - He would be there waiting. ARGH! Why is it when you don't want them they all show up from the woodwork? Yet, when you need them it is drier then the Sahara? Nevertheless, I will continue the goody two shoes path and hope that I will not have to make that decision. Aside from the very uncomfortable conversation with the Czar, Friday night was also filled with a great couple of hours of drinking French wine at Paradou in the meat packing with my friend from law school. The dinner consisted of good looking metrosexual French waiters, but very slow service. It was nice to finally see each other outside of the large auditorium room, full of laptops with our contracts teacher showing chest hair. That's for you Prn! Last but not least, I have tried two things in the last couple of weeks that is not normal for me. Reading a piece of fiction, and seeing a science fiction film. If you have not already guessed which movie - Star Wars. And guess what guys?? I hated them both, especially the book. (I will not mention the title to avoid persecution). I guess some things will never change. Until next time.